Hi. Am seeing therapist tomorrow.
It's been a while.
I hope I can get there and not worry.
She had covid so I was worried about that.
I think at least my mood has been OK.
So we can talk about difficult things.
Am seeing some friends today. But am very nervous as I am in most social areas.
Scared of saying too much.
Or not saying enough. Can take it as it goes. #social anxiety #CPTSD #Depression .
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Six months ago I was looking for a therapist. I found one. I've been twice. So it's early days but I felt I can open up to her. I felt more relaxed the second time I saw her. We haven't spoken about guilt and shame yet. But I think we will soon.
This past week has been a bit of a ambivalent one. Every year I try and embrace it more and more but it doesn't feel any easier. Right now it's everything.ive just had a real horrible week. My therapist said call a friend.
But I feel like I'm in the middle of an earthquake emotionally. I feel like I'm beating myself up because I didn't push through this anxiety.
#CPTSD #Depression #Psychosis #social anxiety #GAD
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° " So Today I Tried My Best To Promote.. A Pizza That Nobody Seemed Intrested In Eating For 2 Day's Straight... Now I Have People Litterly Telling Me That I Should Smile More And Be Nice... Um I'm Sorry I Will Smile When People Stop Telling Me Too... I Have 4 Bosse's Who Yell At Me Over The Dumbest Thing's... That Are Litterly Out Of My Control... I Can't Force Customer's Into Buying This Pizza Or Other Thing's That They Do Not Want To Waste Money On.. Now That Inflation Has Made All Of The Food Item's At Work More Expensive... I'm Nice And Kind... I Had Someone Call My Boss To Tell Her That I Don't Smile Enough And That I'm A B###. Like Really How Mean Can Human's Be Just Because They Didn't Get What They Wanted. ▪︎ I'm Sorry I Will Fake It Til I Make It Then ▪︎ Since When Have Human's... Turned So Entitled And Whiney All The Time.. But Use This To Get Refund's And Free Food All The Time... Sorry But I'm Being Overwhelmed And Overworked Right Now... People Really Need To Chill Out... Welp! I'm Going To Have To Play A Fake Person Just To Survive At Work... " ☆ ° SKAOI KVITRAVN ° #Depression
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Well, I have had various diagnoses—though it seems even my mental health providers who are treating me do are not forthcoming about any of those. Well, some, when it comes to my bipolar disorder and c-ptsd and prior attachment issues (I am slowly becoming more securely attached—I don’t “need” anyone for comfort, love, or help all the time—I have many activities and positive connections filling my life.). So what is it with a borderline personality disorder diagnosis sent to me by a friend? Let me say first there is nothing wrong with bpd. I am just demonstrating here that not everyone, including medical practitioners, may have the full story on hou. No one ever gave me this borderline diagnosis (though it overlaps with bipolar and c-ptsd—and even attachment issues can make it look like bpd). When I finally asked I was told I have attachment trauma, whatever that is. The fact of the matter is that any attachment style other than secure attachment will look like trauma. Yet I had a friend send me the criterion for borderline personality disorder—even after I told her I was not diagnosed with that. I felt very angry and regretful I ever told her any of my mental health struggles to begin with. “What you look for determines what you see.” A person knowing any of my mental health diagmoses will surelt now be on the lookout for those things, constantly pointing their finger in my direction. Because if we have conflict (which we have in the past) I am always to blame for my hyped up reactions (anxious attachment style I am letting go of). Well reactions do sometimes ramp up when dealing with someone else with an insecure attachment style. Ie avoiding and not wanting to discuss conflict, thinking your feelings are arguments, not wanting any closeness, pushing you away (though they will surely blame you for doing the pushing away and not see their pushing away behavior which instigated things), not opening up, avoiding deeper issues at all costs—feelings—also not taking responsibility for their parts. To add, sometimes there may be gaslighting to try to confuse you (even if they were not doing it intentionally). By the way, I could label this as it is, a “dismissive avoidant” attachment style. But there again, that is a label. And all it does is sink a person’a self-esteem. “There must be something wrong or defective about me.” Labels give some good information so practitioners can easily collaborate to help a client. But all thr nuances of each individual are missing. And not everyone fits so cookie cutter into these labels—yet we know sometimes we could be squeezed in for others’ sakes. So this dismissive style is all a recipe for disaster for my anxious attachment style that wanted closeness. They prefer distance. Back and forth and round and round it went. I have stepped back into my life and my more supportive friends. Yet there has been no resolution for me in this friendship, though I am pretty certain the other party has shoved my concerns into a black hole of their mind. They are just fine, thank you—not discussing things like “I feel hurt we dont spend time together.” (One example). I sit here with the wreckage of their inability to talk with me and address things in the friendship. Yet now, having a more secure attachment style I am able to walk away. And it only happens in one relationship. Not others. Those others dont push “me” aside. And I surely dont fit all “the criterion” they believe I fit into. Things overlap. People are individuals. What I am saying is that saying that “People in therapy are there because of the people that are not in therapy in their lives..” I think when someone wants to evade responsibility and accountability and evade looking inward at their own behavior (that would take work and feelings and maybe even therapy!) they are there blaming the other party for most everything. It can look like one is mentally ill due to the DYNAMIC. And I am—I have bipolar disorder with c-ptsd and a touch of ocd. Nothing is wrong with bpd. That is not the point here. The point here is to be aware that behavior is often a product of one’s environment. It is not a solitary thing all the time, especially in relationships. In fact, relationships should be 50/50 accountability and 100% compromise. Stop over apologizing because you think something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you. You are a human. The other is a human. You are equally human. If the environment is shaky then those in it may often be shaky too (those interacting in that environment). But there is a choice. Leave the environment that stigmatizes you and avoids responsibility and invalidates you. Get away if you can. Or at least create distance. And heal while in a more conducive environment—learn to better take care of you around people who are more warm and validating and do want to spend time with you, as you are. Then build on that for yourself, within yourself. No matter how long it takes. Fight for yourself in a more solid supportive environment. That certainly makes the fight less threatening. I am. And I am becoming more secure in all ways, able to depend on myself, despite the past traumas of the c-ptsd and the high ups and low downs of my bipolar disorder. I am a human. Not a diagnosis. Will I ever be able to explain this all to the other party? Would they ever underdtand this, let alone agree or take accountability—then change? My doubts reign strong here. It has not occurred so far. I refuse to let anyone treat me any other way than human(intentional or not)—without labels (which give preconceived notions for sure and are often out of ignorance). Labels are just that. Labels. They are a set of descriptors for an illness. They do not take into account all the other positive and strong personality and bodily characteristics left out of that label. Or the strengths within that label. The label is used so people can often serve their own needs to make sense of things they might not understand or might not want to see in themselves. Dont let a label (used for brevity of communication among medical practitioners) define you. And make sure those practitioners have the whole story because they are not you living in your world. They see you for 50 minutes a week. They can misdiagnosis too. But no matter, dont let a label define you. And definitely dont let another person define you because they fear the true definitions of themselves.
2 reactions ° " Well I'm Struggling With My #mental Health... And My Neverending Piling Task's Are A Drain... My #Depression #social Anxiety Disorder #Anxiety #PTSD ... Are On Overdrive... And Now My Boss Is Starting To Take Notice That I'm " NOT HAPPY " With Everything That I Do.... My Stress Is Making Me Lose My Hair... I'm So Tried All The Time... I Can't Get Any Proper Sleep... I'm Severely In Need Of Deep Sleep... People Give Me The Worst Panic Attack's.. Out Of Nowhere With There Rude And Entitled Additdude's.. I Alway's Get Yelled At For Other Co-worker's Mistake's Or Get Blamed For Something That I Never Did... I'm Just So F***** Tired .. I'm Trying My Best... Not To Break... And I'm Also Sorry For Not Posting Any Poetry Lately My Mind Is Blocking My Passion At The Moment.... " ☆ Sincerely , °SKADI KVITRAVN° #AnUpdate
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I was just wondering if there are any groups that are mainly catered to social anxiety disorder? I've looked through all the groups and I cannot find one that specifically is about social anxiety disorder. Any help would be greatly appreciated! #social anxiety disorder #mental health warrior
2 reactions Social media can be addicting... I want to be active and take part in it, but I don't want to lose myself to the temptations that feel built specifically for my ADHD. Is there a program that restricts social media? (I.e. only let's a person post twice a day or only lets you spend 30 minutes on it a day before it locks you out based on your settings.)
If not, then there should be. Time management is a huge issue that a lot of people struggle with, especially if you have ADHD or other mental health disorders.
I know there are apps and programs that allow you to block sites entirely, but I get lazy and tempted, especially when I'm depressed. I know I can unblock it at whim and I won't always feel like going through the hassle of turning it on and off. Maybe one of them has a timer built into it that can you can schedule for every day or week or month (interval options are important). I need to do more research, but maybe one of you good people knows and uses something they like and could save me some time?
I love to color, it helps me 'Be in the moment's by focusing on whatever picture I'm working on, (which changes with whatever mood/mode I'm in) #Agoraphobia , #social Phobia, #Bipolar
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This new nurses aide at my pain doctor's office was really intrusive. And not very friendly. She was barely talkative or making eye contact. She seemed like she *really* didn't want to be there AT ALL.
I asked to go to the bathroom, she said to wait, because the doctor might want a urine sample. Ok. No problem.
Then we get in the room. I say if we're going to need a urine sample, can a get a glass of water?
Here's where she gets weird.
"Why do you need water if you just said you need to go to the bathroom?"
"I just want a glass of water."
"Didn't you just say you needed to go to the bathroom? Why do you need a glad of water?"
I was pretty taken aback.
"Never mind why I want one, will you just get me one?"
After a few rounds more of this she agrees to have the other aide get me one. The other aide. Yeesh.
She takes my vitals, some history questions, etc., then she finished. I'd been irritated the whole time about the bathroom/water incident, so as she finished, I felt like I had to say something ...
"You know, you might want to not ask people questions about their bathroom habits, I have to say, I really didn't appreciate that."
Anyway then she tried to explain-argue, repeating the BS about "you just wanted to go to the bathroom then you asked for water"... and finally I just told her, "Look, the issue isn't any of that -- it's that it's none of your business what I do in the bathroom or why, so please just stop!"
Finally she left the room with an attitude of "okay I'm stopping this conversation now, crazy person," even though, well, you know.
So on my way home I started thinking about how you truly never really know what someone is dealing with what they've been through or how much they're struggling to interact with you at the moment.
Remembering that years ago I used to be so incredibly anxious, insanely and brutally self-conscious, profoundly insecure, and often just a few steps away from a full-blown, crawling on the floor panic attack. To the point that a lot of the time I could barely finish a sentence talking to a person, especially if I didn't know them well, without being obsessed about what they were thinking about me, and how I was coming across.
Talking to people constantly put me on the edge of a panic attack, and often over that edge. And often that made me come across as being very awkward, very weird, "off" in some odd way, or even a little bit "creepy" because of it. Which of course sucked for me. I felt like people constantly misjudged me. I felt horrible about myself.
Ok, sure, I'm still weird and awkward, but at a WAY lower volume. And my anxiety, insecurity, self-consciousness, and panic is a tiny fraction of what it used to be.
So when I interact with someone who really rubs me the wrong way, I try really hard to remember how I felt, and keep in mind that I have no idea whatsoever how much they're struggling to interact with me in that moment and what sort of pain, anxiety, compulsive or horrible thoughts they're struggling with right then.
Who knows what was going on in that woman's life in her head in her heart. I certainly don't. And she definitely didn't seem happy from the first moment I saw her.
Of course I fail at this small kindness all the time, but I do try...
All that said, I still told the doctor about it though, lol. Not to be petty, but because this woman needs to know that that's not how you treat patients and that's not how you act professional in a doctor's office, regardless of your issues.
And that's some of what I learned for myself too. Is that it didn't really matter how I felt in a lot of situations, What mattered was how I was perceived, or what got done or what didn't get done, or how I made people feel.
And I learned that it wasn't fair but that's how life is. We may be damaged and hurting but the world doesn't resolve around us.
But also whenever possible, be as kind as possible. Because the world is chaotic and often cruel -- and our kindness can make a difference. Both to others, and to ourselves.
#MentalHealth #Kindness #social #jerks #patience #difficultpeople
OK. This is probably weird but I am giving it a try. So say you are going to a place, any place, doesn't matter, and you can't bring people or pets, so you have one item you are allowed to bring with you. What would your special item be? Have some fun with this, I hope! #Friends #Friendship #friendships #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #FamilyAndFriends #New #lonely #alone #NoOneFightsAlone #StrongerTogether #Together #SocialInteraction #social #wellness #EmotionalHealth #Health #relate #Chat #Share #post #safe #SafeSpace #Connections #Positivity #positive #Fun #Mindful #Mindfulness #Kindness #ActsOfKindness #ActOfKindness Self-esteem Self-worth #self -love #Confidence #Life #Lifestyle
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