At the moment I'm dealing with really hard time to accept myself.
My husband has a four week summer holiday and now we are on the end of week three. I'm on a loooooooong sick leave so normally I have alone time every week day when my husband goes to work or even now when he was working from home (we are lucky to have workspace for him in separate room).
But now when "we" are on holiday, it seems I forget everything about how to try to balance rest - therapy - activity etc. For example usually when I have therapy once on week I try to rest after it and maybe just write down thoughts that it brings to my mind etc. And maybe being active like 3 or 4 days and just too tired to do only "must things" on rest of the week. But now I have some kind of program for every day. We don't have restrictions anymore so we have been going to see family, friends etc etc... Or hiking with dog or gardening etc... Everything is nice&fun things to do, but now I suddenly realize I'm drowning myself. I'm so so tired. I'm supposed to start DBT in August and now I suddenly realised I haven't been actually resting almost at all on this holiday. And yes, it's me who is making all these plans, not my husband. So I'm doing this again to myself, over achieving this holiday. It's so hard to balance with everything you want to do, and the energy you actually have. It makes me angry and sad when I realize I can't do it all. It's also funny thing, this "I need to be in control of everything and be capable of doing everything"-mindset only gave me a burnout at the age of 25. And still, part of me still wants to be that person. To be capable. Not to be restricted by all of my physical and mental illnesses.
Next week plan: rest and some self validation.
#Holiday #Burnout #deardiary #Selfcare
#Depression #bpd #OCPD #AvPD #EatingDisorders #BodyDysmorphicDisorder #ACOA #Asthma #IBS #Migraine