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Feeling numb

Over the last month or so I have been feeling so numb no matter what I do. I can usually watch old shows I loved as a kid that helps my mind to focus on something. Otherwise I’m just numb.

Meds aren’t working like they used to. Focusing on anything is a struggle. Even spent New Year’s Eve at my sisters and I could tell my reaction to conversations was slow.

So exhausting
#Depression #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Anxiety #Agoraphobia #OCPD

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Does anyone have #OCPD and know anything about getting through studies without having a meltdown and getting violent with themselves?


Day at a time#ADD #ADHD #OCPD

I have three beautiful children ages 11,13,&15.
My son, who is 11, has ADHD.
My oldest daughter, who is 15, has ADD.
I have ADD and OCPD. I also have chronic diseases and disability, and mental health challenges.

Most days, I see the beauty in life. Some days I feel like maybe the parts that arent so good is my fault.
I do my best.

I'm taking care of my health and theirs. We do have fun and we love each other. It's just sometimes I wish I could hand them an easier more enjoyable life.

You would think I would understand their minds more because we share so much in common, but I don't. I'm still learning every day! My hope is that because they have been diagnosed young, they will be able to reach their goals and have an easier time of it.

There are times when I wish people knew I have to work much harder to do basic things, than most others do. My children do too. That, I can understand and empathize with.

Parenting kids with ADD/ADHD while having it yourself is extremely difficult. I often don't communicate very well and they need me to be specific. It is overwhelming and I don't know anyone who gets it. There are no parenting support groups where I am.

The posts on The Mighty have helped so much! I'm thankful to be here now.

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This is me..:

“I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are”

It took forever to see the movie associated with this amazing song but I heard the beautiful and talented Keala Settle sing it repeatedly beforehand thanks to my love for Pandora radio.

Whenever I hear this song it resonates. My life, myself.

“This is me.”

My life. I’m scarred both physically, mentally and emotionally. But I’ve survived, and I’ve thrived. I have 2 amazing kids, a loving boyfriend, friends I love and a job I adore.

“This is me.”

With my 2 amazing kids come a myriad of issues.

My 18 year old daughter. Beautiful, talented, caring and compassionate. She has Attention Deficit Disorder, anxiety, and Ocular Myasthenia Gravis. Myasthenia Gravis is a neuromuscular disease we never heard of prior to her diagnosis, but have learned so much about. With this disease comes the concerns with medications she can or cannot take, vaccines she can or cannot take based on her meds, and accommodations at school due to difficulties she occasionally has with her eyesight due muscle weakness. But since her eyes are the only thing affected currently, there is a 50% chance her whole body can eventually be affected.

My 13 year old son. Adorable, playful, imaginative and loving. He has autism level 1, anxiety and asthma. We hear everything regarding this little guy from, “oh he doesn’t look autistic” (which elicits a comment from his protective older sister, “what does autism look like?”) to “he doesn’t seem autistic.” You never know how uninformed people can be when they feel a disability has a particular “look” or behavior. Autism Spectrum Disorder is just that, a SPECTRUM. It’s a wide range of issues and behaviors.

“This is me.”

I have 2 divorces under my belt, not that I am proud of, but I do. I also have scars and other issues I am dealing with. I have also took the leap and got diagnosed ADHD, and discovered that I also have obsessive compulsive personality disorder. Things I have always wondered over the years are finally settling into place.

So, this is me…



New to #Anxiety sort of

I never thought I was an #anxious person and just recently I have come to the realization I am not perfect, tho no one is. I’ve always been a very social person and my bf and I just moved to a new city a year ago. Leaving behind and great and supportive group of friends. I find myself more and more feeling #restless when I don’t have something to do. I get upset when my bf doesn’t want to plan things out. I get heavy chest pounding feeling that I NEED to be doing something! I feel it’s maybe because I don’t have those friends here that I could just call up on a whim and come over. I get upset when plans change last minute and I wanna cry. I feel rushed and anxious if I think I’m going to be on time to work and not early. I hate feeling rushed. I like to be overly organized and if something is out of place it must be fixed. I feel like a child that can’t control their #feelings . From what I have read it feels as tho I have #TimeAnxiety or #OCPD .

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How to convince my partner that iam a good person after watching an episode of my Rage! Iam really sad i yell at him, and saying bad words! Any help? #Rage #Misophonia #OCPD #ChronicDepression

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Sometimes I feel this pup is the only thing keeping me alive… #Depression

Of course he’s not the only one. My wife and kids play a big part in my life as well. But with Rocky I can be me. No pretending. No shell. No judgement. And for the last month I have needed it more than ever. And what’s worse is that it makes me feel so alone in myself. 😔

#CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #Depression #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BingeEatingDisorder #EatingDisorders #OCPD #invisible #alone

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I’m a funk I can’t get out of #Depression #CheckInWithMe

Most times when I get depressed I know it won’t last. Usually a day. Sometimes two days. Now I’m going on my fourth week. Nonstop depression. I have tried doing what I normally do, those this that will help pull my out of it. Now it’s just not working and it’s frustrating. Not to mention it is scaring the shit out of me. I’ve been going to therapy and that helps for a bit but not long. I want to climb out of this but my brain isn’t letting me.

Not sure how much longer I can hold out.
#ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #OCPD #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #EatingDisorders #Insomnia #scared #SuicideIdeation


“How are you doing?” I mean who has an answer for that??!!!? #Depression

I work in a gym which means I have to talk to people. Sometimes it’s not that bad but lately it’s been a real struggle for me. They ask how I’m doing but I really don’t have an answer. Not a real one at any rate. What I really want to say is “My anxiety has kept me up most of the night. I’m angry and depressed. My OCD is off the charts this morning which is making it hard for me to focus. I feel totally alone like no one hears me or cares. And the best part is I have NO idea why!!” What comes out is “I’m doing ok” :(

But hey, on the plus side, at least it’s Tuesday :/
#ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #SocialAnxiety #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #OCPD #FunctioningDepression #EatingDisorders #BingeEatingDisorder

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chris' Series Part 12 - The final chapter

So i ended the last episode on how do i cope, which means asking a load of questions to myself. Do a self route cause analysis. i'm a Business Analyst, so let's use these tools on myself. Ask the questions:
How do i - Why, why, why, why, why
Who am i - Why, why, why, why, why
What am i - Why, why, why, why, why
Where do i - Why, why, why, why, why
When do i - Why, why, why, why, why
Why do i i - Why, why, why, why, why

That is a load of questions with loads of answer, and answers needing more questions giving more answers - Things just started making more rational & logical sense. i become less emotional as that would lead to irrational thoughts which are normally dangerous for my life

With a list of diagnoses like this

& a history of

Having done my own deep evaluation which lead me down many dark paths, all i could do is tell myself to look for the light. Like looking for a single star on a clear & dark evening - Just look for the light. So that becime the crown for my left 1/2 sleeve tattoo, keep looking for that light, no matter how you see your life now. Whether it is though deaths eyes or the devastating after effects of that nuke which exploded. Look deeper there is that fighter - the breaker of chains. you have done it before, you can do it again, the reflection in the mirror doesn't always have to be from a broken mirror - look for a different mirror

In my lowest of moments, i know i need to TRY keep myself rational & evaporate my emotions. So i do this exercise - it buys me time to find that light & snap out of my mental relapse:
STOP - Stop what ever i'm doing.
THINK - Think about what you are doing. Ask the Who, What, Where, When, How & Why you are doing or getting ready to do.
BREATHE - Breathe, deeply & slowly. Try to center, ground, calm, even relax while in a panic state. Switch between Thinking & Breathing as much as you need.
REACT - Now you are better equipped to make a decision in a rational manner looking for that light.

i still have what would make most people think i'm nuts. i have a date in my calendar where i will die from one of my mental illnesses - Everything is ready, stocked & good to go as i type this. However all i need to do is fight my @$$ of for 1 day a year and not 365 & a quarter days a year. Keep myself busy, i take the day off from work. i go to places in the beauty of nature. Honestly the day is the easier part, it get hard once that sunsets & its the long Winter nights but i will put in my earphones, play some awesome & uplifting music, lying in a warm sleeping bag on the lawn & look up at the evening skies ... Looking for all the lights, satellites & meteors. i will meditate to ground & center myself after taking my evening sleeping tablets, then wake up in bed the next day & so the cycle continues

Keep looking for the light & keep safe out there ... ✌🏼❤