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First Post Here... Hey Y'all

Well, I don't even know where to begin. It has become apparent in the last 18 months that my husband of nearly 24 years is a narcissist. He's always been super judgmental (and acknowledges this fact, but has never tried to change it).

Well, we are definitely in a rocky place. Yes, I have a hand in it -- but, so does he. It takes 2 to tango, ya know.

Anyways, over the last year+ the home environment has gotten fairly hostile. When he gets home from work, I've been informed I'm "not supposed to speak to him until he's ready"... but he never indicated when that was. So I did set a boundary there... I told him he can't come sit down next to me on the sofa until "he's ready" because I'll inevitably talk to him. He expects me to just "know" when it's ok and not ok to talk to him (based on his mood - which is ever changing).

Even asking a simple question is met with extreme defensiveness. I was attempting to explain something medical from my doc to him, and he misunderstood. When I said his understanding was incorrect, he yelled "that's what you JUST said"... even though it wasn't. So I simply started over and said everything again. He doesn't listen to me. In fact, we had a HUGE discussion/argument about MY food preferences regarding pickled red onions (I like them, he insisted I didn't). Not 3 days later, he didn't remember the conversation. (He "never remembers" what he's said.)

He was going to therapy, but hasn't gone in at least 5 weeks. He was the one who said he wanted marriage counseling, but is now refusing. What do I do??

#narcissisthusband #narcissistspousalabuse #Gaslighting #Depression #Anxiety #BPD #AvPD #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #DDD #chronicpainpatient #Gastroparesis #Achalasia #Stressedout

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My story and current struggles

#Trauma #CPTSD #AvPD #abandonment #Suicide

Hi. This is my first time posting. I mostly just read others' posts and try to connect without actually saying anything. But I have been struggling with accepting all of the traumas I've been through in my almost 41 years. Especially everything my parents have been doing my whole life.

I have always been an anxious and sensitive person. I'm also (along with my twin) the black sheep of the family. I'm gay, trans, progressive, an atheist, an empath, and open-minded. The complete opposite of my parents and most of my family. They don't know how to interact with me. We don't have similar beliefs and values. They are not in touch with their emotions or recognize any of their traumas. They also don't recognize the trauma they caused me. My mom is a narcissist and my dad enables. She gaslights and manipulates. They both are invalidating and emotionally abusive.

Yet, I have spent my entire life trying to please them and make them proud of me. That was until I stopped about 7 months ago. I haven't really talked to them except for a Bitmoji text on Mother's and Father's Day. It feels good to finally be separating myself from them, but I also feel abandoned at the same time. I know I have abandonment issues from trauma with them, old boyfriends, and old therapists... but it was my choice. Why do I still feel abandoned by them? I still can't really accept that this is the future of our relationship. Unless they start to acknowledge some of the ways they hurt me and other people, I can not have a healthy relationship with them. That hurts and I feel a lot of shame and guilt for my decision.

I've also had many losses in the last 7 months as well. My close friend passed away from an accidental overdose the day after Christmas. Another close friend (and I don't have any more), got angry at me for setting boundaries and got her father to kick us out of the house we were renting from him. Then a friend of mine (my twin's very close friend) died of suicide in April.

My relationship is so up and down because I'm dealing with all of this stuff. Plus I'm trying to ask for what I need and express myself more often. So the dynamic of our relationship is changing. Plus my pain, his pain and job, the stress of moving and buying a house and then moving again next month.

In February I started seeing my therapist twice a week. I did a partial hospitalization program a couple months ago for 5 weeks. And I just started a DBT group program that lasts 24 weeks. I feel so stuck. I'm depressed, panicky, restless, not sleeping well, self harming, and having a lot of suicidal ideation.

So that's where I'm at right now. I'm trying to make changes, but it's hard and I'm worn out. Thanks for listening.


Holiday burnout

At the moment I'm dealing with really hard time to accept myself.
My husband has a four week summer holiday and now we are on the end of week three. I'm on a loooooooong sick leave so normally I have alone time every week day when my husband goes to work or even now when he was working from home (we are lucky to have workspace for him in separate room).
But now when "we" are on holiday, it seems I forget everything about how to try to balance rest - therapy - activity etc. For example usually when I have therapy once on week I try to rest after it and maybe just write down thoughts that it brings to my mind etc. And maybe being active like 3 or 4 days and just too tired to do only "must things" on rest of the week. But now I have some kind of program for every day. We don't have restrictions anymore so we have been going to see family, friends etc etc... Or hiking with dog or gardening etc... Everything is nice&fun things to do, but now I suddenly realize I'm drowning myself. I'm so so tired. I'm supposed to start DBT in August and now I suddenly realised I haven't been actually resting almost at all on this holiday. And yes, it's me who is making all these plans, not my husband. So I'm doing this again to myself, over achieving this holiday. It's so hard to balance with everything you want to do, and the energy you actually have. It makes me angry and sad when I realize I can't do it all. It's also funny thing, this "I need to be in control of everything and be capable of doing everything"-mindset only gave me a burnout at the age of 25. And still, part of me still wants to be that person. To be capable. Not to be restricted by all of my physical and mental illnesses.
Next week plan: rest and some self validation.
#Holiday #Burnout #deardiary #Selfcare
#Depression #bpd #OCPD #AvPD #EatingDisorders #BodyDysmorphicDisorder #ACOA #Asthma #IBS #Migraine


First Post/Can’t Stand these 🎇 💥

This is my first post. I have really high social anxiety, and apparently avoidant personality. But I’ve come on here despite that because the barrage of fireworks this year seem horrible, more so than usual. Maybe it’s because everyone bought more knowing there wouldn’t be any town shows, idk. One thing’s for sure, this past week has been non stop. And I can’t say why, but I absolutely hate fireworks. In years past, I’ve gone to a movie and shelled out the cash for a late night showing of whatever. This year, I don’t want to risk going to any theater that may be open plus I had surgery yesterday. My depression has been a little rough lately, too. And so even though I rarely get angry, all this compounding has turned my anxiety into anger. So I shut down and try to crank up my earbuds (headphones cause too much pain) and lay in bed. #Anxiety #AvPD #Bipolar2Disorder #SocialAnxiety #ChronicPain #Migraines #ChronicDepression


Avoidant Personality Disorder?

I was scrolling through an article and came across a therapy site that talked about AVPD. It sounds like my biography! I am wondering if anyone has had this diagnosis and can tell me more about it. I’m also a huge bookworm so I would love book recommendations about it too. Thanks 💕 # #AvPD #AvoidantPersonalityDisorder #avoidantpersonality


Another medication

I have resistant MDD and GAD . I’m currently on 2 medications and now my Dr has added another, a 2 week sample. I’ve been on it for the 2 weeks and it has really calmed my anxiety down. I went back to him to report the positive news and he wrote me Rx for it. I went to the pharmacy to have it filled and it is $500/month!! And because it’s so new it’s not supported by my work drug plan. Ugh, how is someone suppose to afford that? I just want to feel better and function at an acceptable level. I’m so frustrated and down about it. 😔
#AvPD #Agoraphobia


Struggling and frustrated #Anxiety #Depression #AvPD

I have MDD, GAD and panic disorder. And now I’m struggling with Agoraphobia. I can’t even go to the grocery store without breaking out in a cold sweat, my face and legs going numb and having dull humming in my ears. I usually have to try to go a few times, then usually give up. At this point I can successfully go to work, the gas station, and my pharmacy. Ugh, why has this started happening? My world is slowly getting smaller and smaller because my social anxiety tank is always on empty. Does anyone else suffer with this and feel this way?