Disapointing

I'm tired and ready to sleep.
Until I lay down and then the thoughts start. I watch a show with alcoholism and I want to turn to that. I see drugs and want to do them.
But not because I actually want to.
I want to destroy myself and make myself unlovable. I want a reason to feel the way I am. I want to battle addiction, which I know is horrible. But I want to have a physical reason why I'm a mess.
I need to keep myself going. #Depression #Anxiety #Disapointing #help

On the night before my surgery my Aunt passed away I found out about when I woke up to do some last minute preparations for pre-operation. I wasn’t able to really process my feelings until I got home yesterday. Tomorrow is the grave side funeral service and I won’t be able to go. My dad isn’t going to be there do to not being able to give the eulogy of his sister. ( he has late on set depression and his medication isn’t working yet, it’s been a really long struggle for him to get a medication that will work without serious side effects.)I’m thinking that it would be a good idea for me and my just my dad go to the grave when I am able to go out? What do you think? #CheckInWithMe #Disapointing #Grief

I’m 22 years old. My father raised my brother and I , he is Hispanic and in that culture there seems to be a certain standard of achieving things or else you are a black sheep of the family. Well that so happens to be me, I’m the oldest of 3 siblings and have always taken the role of the caretaker with the most responsibilities. I always have tried to please everyone but myself growing up and it never seems like it’s ever good enough. I graduated valedictorian, got a full scholarship to college (threw that away for a boy, bad decision). I ended up going to a community college and moving out of my dads to finally get some freedom, but my mental health was terrible because of a bad breakup with an abusive ex. I dropped out of college because I couldn’t focus anymore and just wanted to work full time. Well two years later I still haven’t gone back to college because I still am unsure of what I want my career to be. I try to distance myself from my dads side of the family including my dad because I know I’m a huge disappointment and for some reason every time I talk to him , I get suicidal thoughts. I’m unsure of what to do...
#Disapointing