Disaster

Please bless them!!! #god #blessing

I’ve been thinking about posting this for at least a week. I kept making excuses. Or thinking that my problems are so minor compared to the experiences of others. Sometimes I think that I’m not worthy of help. But I don’t like how I’m feeling and I don’t know how to pull myself out of this abyss.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder and pretty crippling depression. I am medicated - I take Mirtazipine and I used to take an antipsychotic medication too but I was taken off of it because I needed to take an anti sickness medication that had toxic interactions with it. That was five weeks ago. And now I’m stuck.

I spend most days in bed watching whatever I feel like on Netflix. I used to read a lot - I’ve always been an avid reader. But I can’t feel interested in anything for longer than 10minutes. I saved up and bought a bicycle to help me lose weight and gain control of my diabetes eight weeks ago. For the first three weeks I went out on little bike rides every day! I love cycling. But then my Interstitial Cystitis started to flare up and my bladder became painful whenever I cycled. So I curled up in bed with painkillers instead. I haven’t been out on the bike since.

My mind is constantly drifting off to sad thoughts. The fact that I’ve been single for four years. My ex told me on the day that we broke up; “You’re broken and useless. And you’ll never be anything else.” They were right. I can’t work. I can’t exercise properly. I can’t do anything with my life. I just barely exist. Existing is hard. I’ve stopped caring about my appearance. I’ve stopped taking care of myself. I walk across the street without looking for cars.

I’m not actively trying to die. But it wouldn’t bother me if it happened.

I have two friends. Two. One lives in Denmark and the other is married and lives about 35miles away. The one that lives closer to me uses me sexually. He asks for pictures and I oblige because that tiny feeling of being wanted is very precious to me. I’m not even attracted to men. I’m a lesbian.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m sick to my stomach all the time. I can’t seem to bring myself to care about anything. I’m so tired of being alone...

Can anybody help me?

#Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #HelpMePlease #lonely #Broken #Disaster

I live in Nashville about 1 mile from where the 03-03-20 tornado hit. My home is fine and I have power, but my workplace was completely destroyed. The entire city is pretty much a disaster area. My future suddenly seems more shaky than ever, yet I see people around me in much worse circumstances. I feel like whatever challenge the future brings I won’t be able to rise to it. I will fail everyone. My anxiety is kicking into overdrive. If you spend a great many years trying to combat unreasonable fears, how can you possibly hope to live with actual fears that would be hard for anyone to cope with? It’s been 24 hours. I just wish I could sleep.

As I look back over the years there has been at least 7 times my life has been irreparably damaged, at least that is what I thought at the time. In hindsight, it hasn’t happened, certainly not as I thought it would.