Broken

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It's ok to have mental health days. It's ok that I am 24 still living at home. It's ok that I can only do so much

I honestly feel jealous and out of place from my friends and other 20 something year olds who are currently working, in relationships, living on their own, and seemingly thriving in ways I am not able to yet

I realize that they don't carry the same severe abuse trauma I am carrying. How, even some who were abused, had freedom in areas to grow that I did not

on the outside I always seemed fine. My family looked like the perfect happy family. But that was far from the case

I had an emotionally and physically abusive mother and an enabling father who together, created a destructive home filled with yelling, enmeshment, and abuse

I was parentieifed and expected to care for everyone, but no one cared for me. I am still picking up the pieces where it feels with every placed piece, it falls apart and breaks into more tinier pieces. It often feels never ending

I sometimes wonder why I was born into such a hellish abusive life. Why I didn't get the healthy or even less abusive childhood others had. Childhoods that might have allowed me to thrive better than I am now

But the reality is that I didn't get that. I was unfortunately born to traumatized emotionally immature people who did not take responsibility for their brokenness and passed it on

#Abuse #abusiveparents #Trauma #CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #Revelation #Broken

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Community Voices

× " Self L.O.V.E Is A Very Hard Thing To Accomplish In Life " × #inner Demon's # Thought's

× " How Can I L.O.V.E Myself When I Feel Broken And Mentally Damaged And Not Here... Every Day That I Look At Myself In The Mirror... All I See Is The #sexual Assult #Broken Person That I'am... How Can I Love The Body That Has Been Through Alot.. The Pain That I Feel Everyday Is Fucking Draining... How Can Someone Ever Want To Be With Me... I'm Trying So Hard To Fully Express My Feeling's... I'm The Broken Doll... That Feel's Worthless At Time's.. I Have My Episode 's I Have Plenty Deep Wound's And Scar's That Will N.E.V.E.R HEAL... I Have Lost Everything... I Have No Family Of My Own.. And Yet People Alway's Expect Me.. To Just Deal And Just Automatically Love Myself.. I Just Can't Do It Anymore... I Have Tried To Express Everything That I'am.. And That's Not Good Enough For Anyone... So Don't Expect Me To Just Turn On " The Love Myself Switch "... It's Much More Difficult To Master... Who Would Want Me With Physical And Mental Health Issue's... I Have Had Only One Realtionship My Entire Life... So It Harder For Me To "TRUST " Anyone With Intimate Thought's Or Private One's.. And When Your Mind Keep's Telling You That Nobody Will Want You... Your Not Beautiful As You Think.. Oh Your Fat... Well That's All That I Really See In Myself.. For Year's... " × #Thought 's

4 people are talking about this
Community Voices

BPD-BIPOLAR-THE JOURNEY-THE FEAR

I travelled 18 hours back and forth. With holdall bags larger than me on overflowing trains, sleeping and awaking from startling nightmares whilst aboard. I travelled a lot whilst in Wales. Yet none of it was beneficial.

Picture it. I was 18, confused, trying my best, doing what I was supposed to do.

This was the second coming of my internal struggles.

I have a vivid memory of when I was 11 years old, making myself sick after eating. Staying up after midnight and watching shows like The Villa?! I watched these young, clueless attractive people live out misogynistic nonsense and instead of questioning it I did 200 sit ups wishing I was attractive.

I remember my neighbour who was a few years younger commenting that my body looked weird because I had lumps on my nipples as my breasts were forming and that I stood oddly like my hips were too far forward.

I can remember a family friend making a comment along the lines of, ‘she’s grown into her looks’ when I was 15 years old. I have always had an intrinsic need to be liked and desired as I was under the impression that was my worth.

It wasn’t until I was almost 19 when I had my first near death crisis.

I can vaguely remember friends in my student halls of residence, using pint glasses to put my black vomit from the tiny sink in my room to the shared toilet. There were also a lot of things and actions I don't remember but my flatmates thought it was funny to spell out something along the lines of “Linny and x are lesbains, humping on the kitchen floor.”

I remember being told no one wanted to socialise with me and x cause we always fought (like a married couple).

It could be argued I wasn’t ready to be away from home but it could also be argued that it is what started the slow and painful process to where I am now.

I know what you’re thinking. Where were your parents? They were being spectacular. Working for the then semi functional NHS, saving lives, making a difference whilst also raising three girls. I could make assumptions about them, I could chastise them for decisions but I won’t because I know in my soul they did their best and luckily they’re still around and continue to support me albeit at an arm's length.

I would talk about my sisters more but I feel I have already burdened them with so much. They didn't’ ask to have a Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality Disorder, queer mess as a sister. What I will say however, is I truly regret the trauma I have probably caused them.

I did therapy. I continue to take medication. I am what is considered “stable”.

The fear though.

It never leaves. It is always there. The only time I’m not aware of it is when I am manic and being vivacious and what some consider ‘silly’.

#Bipolar #BPD #Depression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Old #help #Broken #Recovery #Masking #Relateable

1 person is talking about this
Community Voices

Simply painful

I know this sounds stupid but only two days after the breakup he stopped using our Netflix account. And it made me more sad…how pathetic is that :(
#breakup #saddness #Anxiety #Broken

6 people are talking about this
Community Voices

My life has been - and is - a hot mess... and I'm lost

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder in 2019, and today, after 1.5 months at a treatment facility, not only was I bumped up to bipolar 1, I was given a new diagnosis of having borderline personality disorder.

I wasn't surprised about bipolar 1, but the BPD has put me in a tailspin. The more I've read and learned about BPD the more I am CERTAIN that I suffer from both disorders. From a logical standpoint, I am "on board" with these diagnoses as I can check off nearly every box on the giant lists of symptoms. Add in the ADHD and I am... a hot mess of a person.

I'm now questioning my own thoughts and feelings - are they valid and true or are they some sort of warped reality that I'm living in... some imagined fantasy life. Have all of my life experiences with people been lies, bull$hit and untruth/fantasy? Have I lived a fake but utterly destructive life up to this point? Am I living it currently?

Using logic, I understand who I am. But emotionally I don't know who I am anymore, and fear that my entire life has been filled with beliefs and destructive behaviors that *I created - every awful thing has been solely because of who I am.

I'm having a really tough time with all of this. I feel like I'm a tornado of a person who destroys everything in sight... I don't know how to move forward.

I'm worried I might have to once again leave my daughter at home without her Mom-Mom because I'll need to go back to the treatment facility. I'm becoming crippled with anxiety, paranoia, depression and shame.

ANY advice or insight will be received with wide open arms and a grateful heart. Thank you for taking the time to read - it's been a long time since I've been on The Mighty and I'm so glad to be back ❤️

#BPDDiagnosis #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #ADHD #Broken #help #Anxiety #SleepDeprivation #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Shame #Spiraling #lost #Depression

24 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Pain

I use to think I already have felt the worse possible pain from my abusive childhood. Grew up in a cult. My Father sexually assaulted me for yrs, and my mother knew and never stopped. She Intern blamed me, hated me. So what could cause worse life long issues and pain?....Losing my husband. He was my anchor and my foundation. He is the one person who said he'd never leave me. And now he's left. Yes ik it's not his fault, but this pain that I now carry with me is worse. Ik this pain will always be with me for the rest of my life. Ik I have to figure out my own way to live with this darkness surrounding me. My whole life I've carried this darkness. My husband was the one that helped me to carry part of it. And I helped carry him when needed.
And now as I lay here crying my eyes out, trying not to wake my son, I can't help to not wonder, what's the point? Why are we allowed to make deep connections and feel truly loved, only to have it taken away every time? I'm not very religious. And if there's nothing after we die, then what's the point? How much longer am I going to have to carry the weight of all this pain and darkness that life keeps giving me? I'm so tired of people saying give it time, or it'll get better, easier. Or don't worry about that, just focus on now. My whole life has been trauma after trauma, pretty fucking sure I've tried everything to "let it go, move on, choose to be happy." My soul is so tired and bitter...#Grief #Widow #Broken #ChronicPain #lostsoul #givingup i

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Community Voices

Broken and Lost

Sometimes I feel so broken it feels like it’ll never get better. It feels like the whole world is slowly falling on my chest and it will never stop. The depression and anxiety are so much I wonder if I’ll ever be able to handle it. Sometimes I question if it’s better to stop trying.
#Broken #Depression #Anxiety

7 people are talking about this
Community Voices

How am I supposed to tell my husband part of wanting to kill/harm myself is due to our daughter. She hates me so much see I'm the devil. I must be #Broken #Depression #

4 people are talking about this
Community Voices
Community Voices

× If I Do Any Therapy...I Want An Honest Doctor Who Will Actally Listen To Me. ×#goingthrough DarkThought's

× I Have Felt So Alone Since The Day I Was Born. Listen My Father Was My Only Joy. And My Hero. My Mother Never Paid Any Attention To Me. Since My Twin Needed Her More. But It Should Have Been 50/50. What I Deserved Was Love From Her. Invested I Got Yelled At And Physical Abuse x Verbal Abuse. She Alway's Would Call Me The N-Word In Spanish. Idk What That Meant Until I Looked It Up One Day. I Was Hurt... Idk Why She Hated Me So Much. I Never Got An " I LOVE YOU "... Or A Hug From Her. She Would Never Come To My School Play's. The Only Person Who Was Alway's Thier For Me. And Raised Me. Was Another Older Brother. The One Who Passed Away. My Mother Would Only Show Up For My Parent x Teacher Conference's. That's It And Would By Me Thing's. If She Selected Them. All I Ever Wanted Was To Be Her Daughter. But To Her I Was " NEVER " Good Enough. She Would Call Me A Failure x A Good For Nothing. That I Was Never Going To Get Married x And Have A Baby. That No One Would Love x Care About Me. I Never Had A Childhood. Because An 11 Year Old Me Wanted To Take Care Of Her Mother x Twin Brother. Because They Would Get Sick. My Mother Had 4 Open Heart Surgerie's. × Stroke's. Who Was Thier To Take Care Of Them Both Me. Not Any Of My Brother's x Sister's. I Used To Lifed My Brother Out Of His Wheelchair To Put Him To Bed. Bath Him... Feed Him Change Him. All Of This Stress When Thier Were No Pervert Caregiver's Around. I'm Not A Bad Person.. I Don't Want Pity x Simpathy. I Just Want Everyone To Understand Why. I'm So Messed Up. I Have Given Up So Much Of My Life. I Just Want To Be At Peace. I Don't Deserve To Be Mistreated Just Because I Wanted My Own Life. And Expolor. I'm All Alone Now. I Don't Need Anyone. Humanity Is Very Evil. Sincerely, S.K. #Broken

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