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The nights are the worst 09-05-24

By societies standards, I should feel great. I should be grateful than my life was saved. I should be thankful that nurses and doctors put hours and hours of labor into my corpse and I am grateful but I do also feel guilty. I don’t want them to feel like their work was all in vain, but at the same time I struggle but I don’t struggle like people would think that I’d struggle I don’t have issues with money. My wife left me two weeks in the hospital stay so I no longer have relationship issues although it was a toxic relationship and kind of glad I don’t have those issues.

Of course, the loneliness of things sets in. The nights bring memories of things I did in my past that were fun times spent with friends now time spent with my ex-wife where we weren’t fighting and things were good.

My uncle left me his house of which I now live in, which would be a blessing if he hadn’t passed away here if I hadn’t found him in this house if the walls didn’t reek of my uncle. Every night here is torture. Knowing what happened what suffering took place here.

Im in pain, not physically but mentally emotionally I don’t know what to do. I want to run but I don’t know where to? crawl out of my skin.

Ive felt many pains over the last few years, but never the pain of what I feel now, I feel I’m one step closer to going catatonic. Life’s finally broken me, people tell me to get out, where do I go? And no offense I don’t want to be around other people like this.

find a hobby they say, what? At the moment in life I enjoy nothing.

You’re just being difficult they say, you don’t value how lucky you are. No I know how lucky I am however my luck came with a curse. Money can’t cure my heart, money can’t bring me happiness. Money can’t find me companionship or connection that lasts longer than a day.

take a trip, where? I don’t want to leave my house

therapy, I’ve tried several, they don’t tell me anything I haven’t already thought about myself in my mind.

And believe me I feel like I’ve tried all of the above, why I may have had fleeting instances of joy and happiness soon I had to come back to reality.

I’ve tried the medication I take 15 different ones for my heart my physical pains I was left with, my kidneys liver just about everything, I have a partially artificial heart and a machine that keeps my heart beating. I’m covered in scars from the vampire scars on my throat where the ventilator was and the medicine tube was, down ny chest and the xxs on my stomach and back I had lines coming out of for months.

Whats wrong with me? Have I just come to the end of my road?

I apologize for these jumbled thoughts they’re from a mind of a sleep deprived individual who’s barely hanging on by a thread.

im not even sure if im looking for some inspiration that might help or save me as I’m not sure there’s much left to say or do that could help that already hasn’t been said I think I’m just leaving these notes so if by some stroke of magic change happens and everything turns around I can look back and remember where I came from. Or if i simply can’t carry the weight anymore at least I’ll have said something and my friend and family will have closure, they’ll at least know how much i suffered inside and that im free and onto greener pastures.

#Suicide #Depression #self #alone #Pain #Life #Journal #PTSD #Broken #empty

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New #BPD Diagnosis

My therapist retired. I want to beg her to come back. #coping skills leave me feeling intense mood swings. #Feeling my emotions leaves me thinking I could die from a #Broken heart. I want to escape from big feelings through #Selfharm and #Suicide . I think this is going to be a long and painful healing journey.

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Two Broken souls cant heal each other always💔

Sometime back I believed this:
Sometimes, when two broken people meet, they end up healing each other. They fill up all the cracks that lie bleeding on their souls. They soothe the broken hearts into a peaceful rhythm. They have felt how much it hurts. So they care,they understand, they protect, they nourish and they last…. anonymous ( ‘coz I dont remember where i read this)

But experience showed something else, may be two broken souls can understand how it feels to be broken inside outside, they may care but two broken souls, two broken ppl cant help each other to heal. They simply cant fill up the cracks that lie bleeding. Infact noone else can heal the broken people, broken souls. It needs a lot of courage to soothe each other’s broken hearts into a peaceful rhythm. In reality, even if you are surrounded by so many ppl, but noone is coming to heal u, to save u. It all depends on u, how to heal n most importantly to know exactly wat u want to heal !! N in all this healing drama, time plays an important part ,’coz few stopped feeling these broken parts even though they knw broken pieces but feelings vanished!!

These quotes, words unnecessarily romanticized the things, give unnecessary hopes that oh someone will come who will soothe, apply soothing balm to the broken pieces…. but this all is bullshit n more stupid, bullshit n crazy are those ( like me😜) who wasted time by believing this.
In short, no two beggars can help each other, n also no richie riches can help them either……pratyaya singh #Emotions #Perspective #Broken #brokenhearts #brokensouls



there is an old hymn morning has broken like the first Dawn but my mind keeps saying morning has broken someone fix it

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Triggerwarning! The power of the blade

I am at the lowest point I have ever been. I've tried to fix things with the love of my life, my favourite person. But my lies and arguments have ruined it all again. And he actually wanted to come and get me. He wanted to take me 'home'.

He lives in the UK, I live in the Netherlands. We've had a long distance relationship and have been planning our future for a while. But I lied and argued on a daily basis.

On top of that I've been cutting myself a lot lately. My mental health has never been this bad and now he wants nothing to do with me again. I started smoking again. Even though I promised I wouldn't. I have wasted my money and now I have nothing left.

I'm currently staying at a shelter, which costs me €6,00 a day. And I can't pay for that. So I have asked for help to get in a better financial position. I don't see a way out anymore. I wanted to be with him and I ruined it all.

I've basically destroyed my own future. Because I have no idea how to get financially and mentally stable whilst I have nothing and no one anymore. I would love to get back to work, but I just can't. Besides, who would hire someone who's arm is covered in fresh cuts!? For the past days I've been cutting myself daily. It feels like it's an addiction. The pain gives me a relief. It almost feels good.

Someone told me today to keep breathing and that everything will be alright. But all I can think about is that I don't want to be breathing anymore. I'd rather be 6 feet under the ground.

As a figure of speech, I've already dug the whole. So it just needs to be covered with dirt. I'm so far down that I can barely see the light from above anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I wany my partner back. I want to be with him, but he hates me. My family hates me. The friends I had hate me.

Maybe they're all right. Maybe I'm just a psycho. Maybe I am a toxic, narcissistic, abusive bully. All the while I've been bullied for almost my entire life. I hate myself... And I wish I could cut myself deeper to just end it all. I can't even count the cuts on my arm anymore...

#depressed #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Love #Family #Friends #Broken #Selfharm #Suicide #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts

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(PTSD)The Aftermath of War - Soldier Story

“When the damage is done,

the war is over,

YET Nothing is ever over,

It’s all around you.

Are you lucky to be alive?

Or too broken to continue.”

These brave soldiers,

Who fought on the front lines?

Come with stories of anguish,

Facing death with their lives.

We call them our heroes,

As they fight for what's right.

They try to be triumphant,

They do their best to survive.

I spoke to a man,

Who fought on the front line.

He told me many stories,

He told me of his change in time.

Standing trapped in endless visions,

of the sounds when they attack.

While drowning in a bloodbath,

carrying comrades on his back.

With each breath,

a smell of sulfur lingers,

visions of blood and pain.

Collecting tags among the fallen,

they did not die in vain.

Burning towns and villages,

blood-stained grounds, oh! the slaughter.

Of innocent women and children,

fathers and mothers.

Struggling with all his might,

just to keep himself alive.

As he crawls through the bloodshed,

helps to keep him in disguise.

He thinks of only good thoughts

His friends, his wife, and family.

How does one keep sane?

when a thousand deaths cover thee?

Alone, not a sound, or spoken word,

Silence is all too clear.

He Searches for his comrades,

avoiding the hidden land mines in fear.

Robbed of sleep, he grows weaker,

he's in a fragile state

His survivals seeking vengeance,

his eyes now filled with hate.

These casualties of war,

are of his fallen brothers.

Collecting tags, pictures, and letters,

to give peace to family members.

He's in a lucid dream-like state,

racing thoughts keep him awake.

For all he knows has fallen dead,

so he tries hard to be brave.

Full of courage?

To be a hero?

Yet the war has brought him only baggage.

Home is with the fallen,

as he tries his best to make it.

As most of his comrades,

came back in a casket.

He is lucky to be alive.

But there's a different head

A disturbing mindset

That builds the rage inside,

Feeling he'd be better off dead,

his fears are of reality

To be rejected by his own.

For all he knows,

is lost to the fallen war.

Many thoughts pierce his mind

Like can he walk among the living?

And not be condemned for what he has done.

The greatest acts of all his sins?

He feels far too much,

so much stress and tension.

Could it be, this paranoia,

Thinking society will reject him?

Will he be remembered for the good?

Or will it be his sins of sorrow?

or a battle fought and won

making a better tomorrow?

Will these memories ever leave him?

The war still lives on inside his mind

With all this damage,

Can he leave it behind?

Can his life start over,

as his children, they grew.

So many missed moments,

precious memories are few.

He wants to be there,

yet he doesn't understand it.

His life has changed around him,

yet his wife is so committed.

He may appear to be alive,

But it's only on the outside.

As memories come on through,

He's haunted from the inside.

Nothing has changed,

He struggles his way through.

A life that's so different,

Then what he once knew.

He finds it hard to start his day,

so he lies awake in bed.

He thinks about his brothers,

they were his family; now they're dead.

He tries to put it behind him,

but the rage builds up inside.

Hiding tears and pain,

And all his pent-up anxiety.

Alone in his thoughts,

He's not qualified for anything else.

No one can understand,

except the ones...

six feet underground.

This struggle he can't forget,

It lives inside his head.

He keeps silent,

reliving memories of bloodshed.

Nothing's ever over,

it's all around you.

is he lucky to be alive,

Or too broken to continue.

Society welcomes him

With loving open arms,

but can they help him,

take away these scars?

Nothing is ever over,

it's all far from over.

His memories turn him,

Into a monster.

Still, the worst is yet to come,

It's against the ones who love you.

Then he understands,

Why his family left too.

It all starts with a sound,

sparking off into a trigger.

Of emotional, painful memories,

that can hurt the ones that matter.

Is it worth the loss of many?

He feels lost and left behind.

Swallowed by his personal torment,

can he ever get peace of mind?

Will his war ever be over,

as he relives those moments of death?

Picking up the pieces every day,

battles strike inside his head.

yet all their selfless acts

kept us all safe and free.

for causes so big

for you and for me.

So, stick up for one another,

too many suffered and lost their lives.

Fighting for our country's freedom

their ultimate sacrifice.

Joanna Crazontheinside

#soldierptsd #mentalhealthmatters #PTSD #happymemorialday #Broken

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Undiagnosed (C)PTSD

How is this possible??!! I watched Peter Cottontail and when the farmer chases the bunny my chest tightens, I can't breath, the panic grasps me and I begin to cry hysterically. Yet I can't get a Mental Health professional to diagnose me with PTSD let alone C-PTSD. It is the very organization of Mental Health that is driving me to a mental breakdown and insanity. When is it ok for the 'professionals' to become our abusers, tormentors and creators of immense trauma? Am I the only one that feels this is wrong on every level!!?? How is it that it is the very Mental Health system is 'allowed' to do this to innocent victims just looking for help to ease their pains? #CPTSD #MentalHealth #Undiagnosed #insanity #despondant #Trauma #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #DomesticAbuse #ChildAbuse #ChildhoodAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAbuseSurvivors #I may look alive #Broken

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