Broken

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    Sadness Around The Holidays

    How do you cope with sadness during the holidays? I love the holidays but the sadness of coming from a broken family still makes me sad, especially around this time of year. Don't get me wrong, I love my fiancé's family. They're wonderful and they love me. However, for some reason seeing all these happy families makes me sad. Perhaps it's a trigger but nonetheless it is still upsetting. Even though I am part of an awesome family now there is a sadness that lingers. It makes me realize how broken my family really was. I appreciate your feedback. Thank you.

    #sad #PTSD #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #Family #Broken #Holidays #thankful

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    Feeling lost #Broken

    I lost my husband of 20 yrs last month. It still feels like the day he passed. He was the Love of my Life. I feel comfort in knowing that there was nothing left unsaid between us. We told each other everyday how much we loved each other. He passed taking a nap. Everything now is just so different. He would be the one to take care of me on my inflamed days. I'm trying to get back to "life" but it's been just so hard. I'm very broken. I miss you, Schmoops.....🥺😪😭

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    Damaged and broken

    Being considered “broken “ or “emotionally damaged” does weigh heavy on my mind, especially in the last few days. Being a product of your environment is terrible, but I’m still trying to figure out ways to make progress within myself. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Broken #damaged

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    What about you?

    Be it my family or close friends I am always a burden. They understand it more once they see it from a documentary or a tv show that people are explaining what people are going through.
    But whenever I try and talk about me it is useless.
    And I do not hold it against them.
    What we pass though is in our hearts like everyone says but we always hope our loved ones understand and if not they would have an open mind where we can help them to understand us.
    Silently I cry, hoping that one day they will notice me the way the notice the kardashians.

    #lonely #Broken #scared afraid #whatcanido

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    Depressed but always well dressed

    I’m Zoe
    I suffer from depression anxiety and ptsd. I guess I’m here because I’m alone on this journey in discovering who iam while I finally own my mental illnesses. I’ve spent over a decade self medicating and pretending that no one ever knew I was suffering. Now I’m in therapy and I’m sober but I don’t know who iam without pretending. I love decorating and fashion that’s my cover up yet deep down I feel so worthless and ashamed of who iam wishing I could be normal. I have a 10Yr old who is closer to his dad and I guess he should be given the fact that I’ve struggled most of his life. Idk I most days wonder if I wasn’t here would it spare him the pain to have to call someone like me his mom. I hate crowds, I hate fun because it’s triggering for me. I only like to hide away! It’s like I’m suffocating and fading away at the same time! I’m that women who looks so well put together but inside she’s in her own hell!!! It’s like I’m waiting for some miraculous change and suddenly I’ll be ok and feel joy again! When I’m in pain I have no one to call I just have to suffer in silence! #Broken #depressed #insecurities #whoami

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    It's ok to have mental health days. It's ok that I am 24 still living at home. It's ok that I can only do so much

    I honestly feel jealous and out of place from my friends and other 20 something year olds who are currently working, in relationships, living on their own, and seemingly thriving in ways I am not able to yet

    I realize that they don't carry the same severe abuse trauma I am carrying. How, even some who were abused, had freedom in areas to grow that I did not

    on the outside I always seemed fine. My family looked like the perfect happy family. But that was far from the case

    I had an emotionally and physically abusive mother and an enabling father who together, created a destructive home filled with yelling, enmeshment, and abuse

    I was parentieifed and expected to care for everyone, but no one cared for me. I am still picking up the pieces where it feels with every placed piece, it falls apart and breaks into more tinier pieces. It often feels never ending

    I sometimes wonder why I was born into such a hellish abusive life. Why I didn't get the healthy or even less abusive childhood others had. Childhoods that might have allowed me to thrive better than I am now

    But the reality is that I didn't get that. I was unfortunately born to traumatized emotionally immature people who did not take responsibility for their brokenness and passed it on

    #Abuse #abusiveparents #Trauma #CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #Revelation #Broken

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    × " Self L.O.V.E Is A Very Hard Thing To Accomplish In Life " × #inner Demon's # Thought's

    × " How Can I L.O.V.E Myself When I Feel Broken And Mentally Damaged And Not Here... Every Day That I Look At Myself In The Mirror... All I See Is The #sexual Assult #Broken Person That I'am... How Can I Love The Body That Has Been Through Alot.. The Pain That I Feel Everyday Is Fucking Draining... How Can Someone Ever Want To Be With Me... I'm Trying So Hard To Fully Express My Feeling's... I'm The Broken Doll... That Feel's Worthless At Time's.. I Have My Episode 's I Have Plenty Deep Wound's And Scar's That Will N.E.V.E.R HEAL... I Have Lost Everything... I Have No Family Of My Own.. And Yet People Alway's Expect Me.. To Just Deal And Just Automatically Love Myself.. I Just Can't Do It Anymore... I Have Tried To Express Everything That I'am.. And That's Not Good Enough For Anyone... So Don't Expect Me To Just Turn On " The Love Myself Switch "... It's Much More Difficult To Master... Who Would Want Me With Physical And Mental Health Issue's... I Have Had Only One Realtionship My Entire Life... So It Harder For Me To "TRUST " Anyone With Intimate Thought's Or Private One's.. And When Your Mind Keep's Telling You That Nobody Will Want You... Your Not Beautiful As You Think.. Oh Your Fat... Well That's All That I Really See In Myself.. For Year's... " × #Thought 's

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    BPD-BIPOLAR-THE JOURNEY-THE FEAR

    I travelled 18 hours back and forth. With holdall bags larger than me on overflowing trains, sleeping and awaking from startling nightmares whilst aboard. I travelled a lot whilst in Wales. Yet none of it was beneficial.

    Picture it. I was 18, confused, trying my best, doing what I was supposed to do.

    This was the second coming of my internal struggles.

    I have a vivid memory of when I was 11 years old, making myself sick after eating. Staying up after midnight and watching shows like The Villa?! I watched these young, clueless attractive people live out misogynistic nonsense and instead of questioning it I did 200 sit ups wishing I was attractive.

    I remember my neighbour who was a few years younger commenting that my body looked weird because I had lumps on my nipples as my breasts were forming and that I stood oddly like my hips were too far forward.

    I can remember a family friend making a comment along the lines of, ‘she’s grown into her looks’ when I was 15 years old. I have always had an intrinsic need to be liked and desired as I was under the impression that was my worth.

    It wasn’t until I was almost 19 when I had my first near death crisis.

    I can vaguely remember friends in my student halls of residence, using pint glasses to put my black vomit from the tiny sink in my room to the shared toilet. There were also a lot of things and actions I don't remember but my flatmates thought it was funny to spell out something along the lines of “Linny and x are lesbains, humping on the kitchen floor.”

    I remember being told no one wanted to socialise with me and x cause we always fought (like a married couple).

    It could be argued I wasn’t ready to be away from home but it could also be argued that it is what started the slow and painful process to where I am now.

    I know what you’re thinking. Where were your parents? They were being spectacular. Working for the then semi functional NHS, saving lives, making a difference whilst also raising three girls. I could make assumptions about them, I could chastise them for decisions but I won’t because I know in my soul they did their best and luckily they’re still around and continue to support me albeit at an arm's length.

    I would talk about my sisters more but I feel I have already burdened them with so much. They didn't’ ask to have a Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality Disorder, queer mess as a sister. What I will say however, is I truly regret the trauma I have probably caused them.

    I did therapy. I continue to take medication. I am what is considered “stable”.

    The fear though.

    It never leaves. It is always there. The only time I’m not aware of it is when I am manic and being vivacious and what some consider ‘silly’.

    #Bipolar #BPD #Depression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Old #help #Broken #Recovery #Masking #Relateable

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    Simply painful

    I know this sounds stupid but only two days after the breakup he stopped using our Netflix account. And it made me more sad…how pathetic is that :(
    #breakup #saddness #Anxiety #Broken

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    My life has been - and is - a hot mess... and I'm lost

    I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder in 2019, and today, after 1.5 months at a treatment facility, not only was I bumped up to bipolar 1, I was given a new diagnosis of having borderline personality disorder.

    I wasn't surprised about bipolar 1, but the BPD has put me in a tailspin. The more I've read and learned about BPD the more I am CERTAIN that I suffer from both disorders. From a logical standpoint, I am "on board" with these diagnoses as I can check off nearly every box on the giant lists of symptoms. Add in the ADHD and I am... a hot mess of a person.

    I'm now questioning my own thoughts and feelings - are they valid and true or are they some sort of warped reality that I'm living in... some imagined fantasy life. Have all of my life experiences with people been lies, bull$hit and untruth/fantasy? Have I lived a fake but utterly destructive life up to this point? Am I living it currently?

    Using logic, I understand who I am. But emotionally I don't know who I am anymore, and fear that my entire life has been filled with beliefs and destructive behaviors that *I created - every awful thing has been solely because of who I am.

    I'm having a really tough time with all of this. I feel like I'm a tornado of a person who destroys everything in sight... I don't know how to move forward.

    I'm worried I might have to once again leave my daughter at home without her Mom-Mom because I'll need to go back to the treatment facility. I'm becoming crippled with anxiety, paranoia, depression and shame.

    ANY advice or insight will be received with wide open arms and a grateful heart. Thank you for taking the time to read - it's been a long time since I've been on The Mighty and I'm so glad to be back ❤️

    #BPDDiagnosis #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #ADHD #Broken #help #Anxiety #SleepDeprivation #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Shame #Spiraling #lost #Depression