Dreamrealityconfusion

I think the emotion I’m feeling is pissed off, or irritated. It’s not usually something I’m able to feel but I’ve been working at it.

But yeah, I’m getting pissed. Because I can’t fucking wake up. Ever since I was a kid this has been happening to me. I hate sleeping without smoking weed before bed, because if I don’t smoke I’ll experiance REM, and I’ll dream. If I dream, I can’t tell if it was a dream or if it was reality. Oh but waking up is fun. If I don’t dream, then I hallucinate waking up over and over and over and over and over again. I wake up, move around, get up from bed, then I’m shot back into where I was sleeping. I haven’t moved. I’m aware of this. I get up again, move around, try to get something to drink, and I’m shot back again, right back where I was. I haven’t moved. I get up and move around, trying to pull my body up. I hear the sound of the front door unlocking as my partner comes in. I get up and move and I’m shot right back to sleep. I haven’t moved. No one is there. I get up, hear my partner making food, move around. I’m shot right back to where I was sleeping. I haven’t moved. I get up, hear my partner, ask him if he’s real as I stretch in bed. He tells me he’s real, touches me and he’s warm, kisses me and he’s there. I tell him I’ve been hallucinating all morning and he listens. I’m shot back, right to sleep. I haven’t moved. I wake up, try to walk, hear other people from through the window. Don’t bother them, my partner says, and i see them through the window. I’m shot back right back where I was asleep. I haven’t moved. I get upset and work myself up to move again, and I get more and more frustrated every time I’m thrown back to where I was sleeping. Every time it feels real, every time there is something else that convinces me I’m up, then I’m not. It feels no different than actually waking up.
My research finally led me somewhere. False awakenings. Some people experiance them one time in the morning or some like me experiance them multiple times. Nested Dreams. Okay. Cool.
Why the fuck do they happen. Isnt DRC and lucid nighmares enough for a fucking person.
God I hate sleeping.
Then no one listens when I say I have a problem. Maybe because I’ve never written it down and writing is the only way I know how to explain anything.
They tell me there’s ways to know you’re dreaming.
Look at the clock they say, athe clock is always the right time.
Count your fingers they say, I always have my same hands.
Is everything where you left it? Yes. It is. Down to the pen and ear buds on the kitchen table that I can see from the corner of my bedroom.
I don’t know why this happens to me. And right now I kinda just want to see if anyone else experiances this. If you do, I’m so sorry that you do. Cause this. This sucks. But hey I found the name.

I knew that my fear of abandonment was bad in a sense that I’ve had bad anxiety over this, I’ve driven myself crazy over this regardless if it was real or imagined. I’ve had two dreams thus far about being abandoned by someone I care about. In both dreams, it was the same person who had abandoned me for different people. The sad thing is that I’ve felt abandoned by this person in real life as well. My fears may have been real, and I’m aware of that, but they feel very real in my dreams. As I write this, I just remembered a dream I had a couple of weeks before my mom got married when I was ten. In this particular dream, she got married, left and didn’t come back. I remember waking up very upset and panicked, I cried all morning behind that one. She reassured me that she wasn’t going to leave me. Unfortunately, it took some before I was able to get passed my feelings on that. I probably had more dreams that played on my fear of abandonment. It’s very exhausting, after I woke up earlier, I had to lay back down because I was panicking as soon as I got up. I don’t like my mind most times when my paranoid thoughts on said subject gets out of hand. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #FearOfAbandonment #Dreamrealityconfusion

I have been having a hard time with my illness. What happens is I have really vivid, horrible dreams that feel real and I barely get rest. This happen almost every day. It also happens that I will confuse what happened in a dream with reality. I won’t be able to tell the difference between reality and the dream. That also happens quite a lot. I talked to my therapists about it, they told me it’s depersonalization.

I do tend to dissociate, but I just didn’t know this was even possible in that context. I tried telling my mom about it today. I started saying that I have been dissociating and she didn’t even let me finish the sentence, she immediately said “me too...” I stopped talking and said “ok, thanks.” To which she said “what is it now?”

I’m really upset, because she did not even let me explain what has been going on with me. She didn’t let me tell her what I was able to find out about this when I talked to my therapist and read a study that the NIH published. She completely invalidated me. I feel like she tries to believe me, but doesn’t. I didn’t even bother telling my father. When I first wanted to seek psychiatric help for my mental illnesses, he said “don’t do it, they’re crazier than you are.”

I’m not trying to make them out to be monsters. They’ve changed over the course of the last 4 years (when I was first diagnosed), they do better now, but I feel like they don’t quite believe in all of this yet. They definitely don’t know what it feels like to live with BPD and GAD and Depression.

I’m just upset. I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I wanted to share this with my mom, and I can’t. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDStigma #Depersonalization #Depersonalization/DerealizationDisorder #DissociationDisorders #Dreamrealityconfusion