I think the emotion I’m feeling is pissed off, or irritated. It’s not usually something I’m able to feel but I’ve been working at it.
But yeah, I’m getting pissed. Because I can’t fucking wake up. Ever since I was a kid this has been happening to me. I hate sleeping without smoking weed before bed, because if I don’t smoke I’ll experiance REM, and I’ll dream. If I dream, I can’t tell if it was a dream or if it was reality. Oh but waking up is fun. If I don’t dream, then I hallucinate waking up over and over and over and over and over again. I wake up, move around, get up from bed, then I’m shot back into where I was sleeping. I haven’t moved. I’m aware of this. I get up again, move around, try to get something to drink, and I’m shot back again, right back where I was. I haven’t moved. I get up and move around, trying to pull my body up. I hear the sound of the front door unlocking as my partner comes in. I get up and move and I’m shot right back to sleep. I haven’t moved. No one is there. I get up, hear my partner making food, move around. I’m shot right back to where I was sleeping. I haven’t moved. I get up, hear my partner, ask him if he’s real as I stretch in bed. He tells me he’s real, touches me and he’s warm, kisses me and he’s there. I tell him I’ve been hallucinating all morning and he listens. I’m shot back, right to sleep. I haven’t moved. I wake up, try to walk, hear other people from through the window. Don’t bother them, my partner says, and i see them through the window. I’m shot back right back where I was asleep. I haven’t moved. I get upset and work myself up to move again, and I get more and more frustrated every time I’m thrown back to where I was sleeping. Every time it feels real, every time there is something else that convinces me I’m up, then I’m not. It feels no different than actually waking up.
My research finally led me somewhere. False awakenings. Some people experiance them one time in the morning or some like me experiance them multiple times. Nested Dreams. Okay. Cool.
Why the fuck do they happen. Isnt DRC and lucid nighmares enough for a fucking person.
God I hate sleeping.
Then no one listens when I say I have a problem. Maybe because I’ve never written it down and writing is the only way I know how to explain anything.
They tell me there’s ways to know you’re dreaming.
Look at the clock they say, athe clock is always the right time.
Count your fingers they say, I always have my same hands.
Is everything where you left it? Yes. It is. Down to the pen and ear buds on the kitchen table that I can see from the corner of my bedroom.
I don’t know why this happens to me. And right now I kinda just want to see if anyone else experiances this. If you do, I’m so sorry that you do. Cause this. This sucks. But hey I found the name.