quietbpd

Is it frowned upon to ask a counselor about the possibility of a diagnosis or their thoughts on you having a disorder? She may already be leaning that way but I've had concerns about it for the past year. I relate to every symptom and people's descriptions of their experiences with it. Idk if it's worth it to ask or if I'll seem ignorant for doing so. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #quietborderline #quietbpd

The emotional intensity of these just hands my ass too me. All of a sudden everything feels wrong I am angry, sad, scared with such intensity that I’m bombarded with intrusive thoughts of ending things, between floods of tears or flashes of rage depending on the tone of the snap, I sit crying with intrusive thoughts of self-harm and suicide that I just have to fight not to act on.

The emotions are so intense they control my mind, I get caught in thought loops, “make them break up with you so you can die without hurting anyone” - I am AWARE that these emotions are too intense, and I’m aware my thoughts are irrational but the emotional intensity and mental scrambling is at such intensity I can’t pull myself out of it. Unless I self-harm, which I don’t do. So it lasts, 4,5,6 - 9 hours.

I watch it and slowly try to pick my emotions apart. Draw them write them, call a helpline and talk. Try to get to the core of this tangled knot of emotional bullshit. I feel shame for the thoughts and feelings I have in that state which are hard to recover from. And the intensity of the experience is such that I _feel_like_ I did the things I only thought and felt.

Too other people it looks like I go from normal to a broken mess in half a day, they don’t understand because I can’t explain. I can’t explain because of the shame, because I’m aware how crazy the experience is. So I just keep it inside, try to forgive myself and keep being a good person to the people around me. Xx #TriggerWarnings #emotionalinstability #Selfharm #quietbpd #SuicidalIdeation

Does anyone know a god way how to get across how you’re feeling and what you’re going through with quiet body? I find that the people who know I have bpd struggle to get it because my symptoms aren’t so outward and they’ve read about the typical bpd portrayals. Just wish there was a way to get across how much pain and torment it can be having this illness #quietbpd #BPD #struggling #MentalIllness

I was recommended the book “The Body Keeps the Score” written by Bessel Van Der Kulk. In the first chapter, which I’m reading now, he explains something about trauma Id like to share.
“Research from these new disciplines (neuroscience, developmental psychotherapy, and interpersonal neurobiology) has revealed that trauma produces actual physiological changes, including a recalibration of the brain’s alarm system, an increase in stress horizons activity, and alterations in the system that filters relevant information from irrevant. We know that trauma compromises the brain area that communicates the physical, embodied feeling of being alive. These changes explain why traumatized individuals become hypervigilant to threat at the expense of spontaneously engaging in their day-to-day lives. They also help us understand why traumatized people so often keep repeating the same problems and have such trouble learning from experiance. We now know that their behaviors are not the result of moral failings or signs of lack of willpower or bad character— they are caused by actual changes in the brain.”

I feel this is very important to share. Those I trust get upset with me because I’m told I learn slower than most. I’ve always struggled to differentiate important information from non important information which caused high amounts of stress. In my trauma I was blamed for moral failings and I felt I lost any willpower to my person. I use to explain to people, “he (my assaulter) took more from me than I can say. He stripped me of any morals and values I had and I lost my person entirely. I was not living in my body.” But this helps explain it in a sense where I feel other people can understand and acknowledge. I also hope this helps some people feel more validated in what they’ve experienced and how it’s changed who they are.

I think the emotion I’m feeling is pissed off, or irritated. It’s not usually something I’m able to feel but I’ve been working at it.

But yeah, I’m getting pissed. Because I can’t fucking wake up. Ever since I was a kid this has been happening to me. I hate sleeping without smoking weed before bed, because if I don’t smoke I’ll experiance REM, and I’ll dream. If I dream, I can’t tell if it was a dream or if it was reality. Oh but waking up is fun. If I don’t dream, then I hallucinate waking up over and over and over and over and over again. I wake up, move around, get up from bed, then I’m shot back into where I was sleeping. I haven’t moved. I’m aware of this. I get up again, move around, try to get something to drink, and I’m shot back again, right back where I was. I haven’t moved. I get up and move around, trying to pull my body up. I hear the sound of the front door unlocking as my partner comes in. I get up and move and I’m shot right back to sleep. I haven’t moved. No one is there. I get up, hear my partner making food, move around. I’m shot right back to where I was sleeping. I haven’t moved. I get up, hear my partner, ask him if he’s real as I stretch in bed. He tells me he’s real, touches me and he’s warm, kisses me and he’s there. I tell him I’ve been hallucinating all morning and he listens. I’m shot back, right to sleep. I haven’t moved. I wake up, try to walk, hear other people from through the window. Don’t bother them, my partner says, and i see them through the window. I’m shot back right back where I was asleep. I haven’t moved. I get upset and work myself up to move again, and I get more and more frustrated every time I’m thrown back to where I was sleeping. Every time it feels real, every time there is something else that convinces me I’m up, then I’m not. It feels no different than actually waking up.
My research finally led me somewhere. False awakenings. Some people experiance them one time in the morning or some like me experiance them multiple times. Nested Dreams. Okay. Cool.
Why the fuck do they happen. Isnt DRC and lucid nighmares enough for a fucking person.
God I hate sleeping.
Then no one listens when I say I have a problem. Maybe because I’ve never written it down and writing is the only way I know how to explain anything.
They tell me there’s ways to know you’re dreaming.
Look at the clock they say, athe clock is always the right time.
Count your fingers they say, I always have my same hands.
Is everything where you left it? Yes. It is. Down to the pen and ear buds on the kitchen table that I can see from the corner of my bedroom.
I don’t know why this happens to me. And right now I kinda just want to see if anyone else experiances this. If you do, I’m so sorry that you do. Cause this. This sucks. But hey I found the name.

I am an open well of empathy- I have a high tolerance for emotional toll and coherence. I grow slowly into emotional exhaustion, for I know many burdens. My soul is old and wise, I have a unbounding amount of knowledge. I am here to be self aware and understanding of the world. I am here to connect to nature and exist as my most natural self. I am here to connect my mind to my soul, and ground myself in spirit. I am on a journey, and I’m here to guide those who need it. My heart is open, and though it’s caused me pain. This is a part of me. I am most myself when I take care of those around me.

I am Enough

I’m not good enough, and I’ll never be good enough.
Not for her, not for me, not for who I want to be.
So go ahead cut me down, yell and scream all you want.
For now I remain useless, my hands are bound.
You criticize my efforts to improve, you criticize all the little things that I do.
From the way that I dress to the way I express,
From the success to the little flaws that I possess.
I transgress, I oppress, and finally I acquiesce.
All the words you tell me are filled with unkindness.
All the points you address make me distress for all I wish to do is impress.
I’m not good enough but I want to be,
But I’ll never be good enough, that at least I can see.
Still you bring me down and still I’ll never give,
The dreams I have are boundless the dreams I want to live.
However I remain soundless to you and your fancy gown.
I will pick myself up and upon my head place a crown.