Derealization Disorder

Oh gosh. I have been feeling so terrible lately...
Feels like I am going crazy. Existential thoughts. Anxiety. Wanna cry. Worrying about future. Here we go again...
The thing is I fell in love. In my last posts I had a boyfriend about whom I wrote here a few words (he was my first relationship since my divorce - I broke up with my husband more than a year ago) Well, that relationship did not last too long, he broke up with me. But now I feel like I have found the love of my life. And he feels the same which is great.
But still #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder kicks in and have me ruminating. Is he really good? Does he wanna use me? Is he sincere? Etc..... non stop. But I know he loves me and I love him as well. He wants to commit, wants to have kids with me, marry me, travel with me, spend time with me, asks me what bothers me, listens to me...
However, relationships have always been very stressfull for me. The vulnerability is unbelievably scary. I am scared to love, I am scared to commit. But I want to. I am scared of losing myself, scared I will end up hurt again, scared that what if the other will die one day I won't be strong enough to make it. Catastrophizing everything...
In the last two months there was so much to do and I really enjoyed spending time with my bf but I really forgot to do some me time and now it's chasing me. I forgot about Mighty, didn't go to psychotherapy, didn't journal, because I felt like I was okay. I am really sorry for that.
I feel like all the strength and emotional stability I built was destroyed by the hormones, love, excitement etc...
#MentalHealth #Relationships #Anxiety #DepersonalizationDisorder #DerealizationDisorder

Times like these I wonder how much progress I’ve made, if any at all.
I’ve been trying so hard to get myself to do new things that are good for me, getting out the house more, joining some supportive social groups and even a music group through a local mental health charity and looking back to where I was a few years back, it’s massive progress but the past month or so everything seems to be getting worse and worse, I’m extra sensitive to everything and I feel like I can’t be around people without being triggered by the slightest thing that I perceive as minimising or critical, it’s exhausting and it’s not how I want to be, it’s not who I want to be. As a result I’m withdrawing and isolating myself, something I guess I’ve always done, I don’t know if this may help a little because I’m clearly overwhelmed by something or many things right now, but the loneliness isn’t helping either. I just hate how my reactions impact other people when I’m reacting from a place of trauma associations and not really in the here and now, I don’t want to keep pushing people away and I know I can change, I have changed, but right now I’m just so exhausted and so lonely but that loneliness feels like I place I have to be so I don’t hurt anyone else with my overreactions. Feeling more and more emotional pain by the day after so long of dissociating, it’s heavy, too heavy right now :(
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #DerealizationDisorder

Im here to prevent myself from ending it... hru?

#SuicidalThoughts #DerealizationDisorder #Depression #SocialAnxiety #attempts #Childhoodtrauma #Selfharm #Anxiety #PanicAttacks

You are all still the same
This room hasn’t changed
I still know what’s real
Yet everything feels strange

It all feels fuzzy
You’re all so far away
Part of me wants to run
But I’m frozen so I stay

This feeling is familiar
Like it’s happened before
I feel so much younger
The darkness here to take more

No one knows what is happening
I’d ask for help if I could
But I’m meant to be an adult now
Not need reassurance like a child would

It’s time to wear that fake smile
Like I’m still the same old me
I’ll just feel shame if I voice this
I’m not supposed to speak my needs

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #DerealizationDisorder #MightyPoets #PTSD #CPTSD #DissociationDisorders #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth

Hi, my name is scretladyspider, or you can call me Elle. I'm here because I live with a lot and I felt like I should share some of that with other people who do, too.

#MightyTogether #EatingDisorder #PTSD #ADHD #Depression #Anxiety #DerealizationDisorder #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #JointHypermobilitySyndrome #BulimiaNervosa #DepersonalizationDisorder #Asthma #Endometriosis

After decades of having these feelings without a name, I started doing my own research and came across derealization/depersonalization. I brought it up to my psychiatrist and he agreed and diagnosed me with this. I feel a huge sense of relief knowing that it wasn’t just my usual “dissociation.” I knew something was different. Also feel a little angry that I wasn’t listened to earlier about what was going on. I’m glad just glad I know what it is.
#DerealizationDisorder

I learned two things about myself today. Apparently, I have been experiencing Depersonalization / Derealization for a very long time but I didn’t know what it was. I knew I dissociated, but I suddenly started having some strange experiences lately that I have concluded are depersonalization. This has led to discovering that I have experienced many symptoms of both Depersonalization / Derealization for decades. The second thing I learned today, is that, my issues with sleep may not be solely bipolar disorder, but a trauma response. My brain speeds up after a certain point at night, and I think it is hyper vigilant to protect me from the unpredictable behavior of my parents. They threw wild parties and I heard lots of loud yelling, laughing, fighting, music and violence. I never knew what was going to happen. I would lock myself in my bedroom by pushing my dresser up to the door and put a butter knife in the door frame as a makeshift lock. I was afraid of their friends. I needed stuff, but was too afraid to leave my room to get it, lest I draw too much attention to myself. So, I went without, or listened and waited trying to discern a time that I might fly under the radar. The noise was so loud, I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to. Often, I just ended up putting a pillow over my head, tuning them out, so I could fall asleep and eventually did from exhaustion. My parents both suffered from substance use disorder. I do too, or did anyway. I quit using 6 years ago and quit smoking 2 years ago. Trauma often causes us to ignore its’ symptoms, because we are used to them, don’t think they are symptoms, or that those symptoms aren’t important enough to talk about, or seek treatment for.