Existentialdread

Sacred is my fear, holy is my thought. Death is salvation—at least for some of us all. I am definitely scared of the pain that comes, But I am even more scared of the frightening truth: Just how much I loathe the murky waters of my life. I can't help but think—I was a coward after all.

But how is it fair, in this world of so-called truth? The fated ones get it all, while I get none of it. And as if that weren’t enough, I bear the Ten of Swords— Undeniable, unfortunate, inescapable misery. And how might the world see it? For cowards like me, risking it all feels futile.

I’m so tired of this! Crying and howling, flailing. After all, I know that all I ever get is failing...#PoetryOfPain #innerstruggle #Existentialdread #TenOfSwords #LifeAndDeath #darkthoughts #EmotionalCatharsis #PoetryCommunity #TruthAndSuffering #MentalHealthAwareness

I had an awesome time last night with my best friend...got home late...It was fun...but I woke up this morning....feeling terrible...i just have this weight in my mind...in my heart...I want to cry,but no tears are coming out...
#existentialcrisis #Existentialdread #Depression

#SuicidalIdeation #Depression #Existentialdread

Everything is so dark. The thoughts are back. I only have to out-live my father and my dog. That was the bargain I made in February after an attempt. I thought I was heading toward the light these past months but I am back here, again, waiting to die.

Hi, Mighty 👋 Until recently (and since last summer) I had for at least the 20th time become
suicidal (ideation, nonstop obsessive & intrusive thoughts about planning & doing it), intensely agoraphobic, 24/7 agitated & anxious, experiencing sustained anhedonia....utter hell in other words, that blossomed from a nervous breakdown last June. Only bc of recent Ketamine infusions am I able to do things again, and honestly I feel at most 30% better than before - but I’ll take it!! So I
was initially diagnosed w adhd as a child (before it became fashionable to recklessly diagnose/throw pills at any child who displayed behavioral/distractibility/emotional issues) and the adhd has made life that much harder.
By the middle of my sophomore year in high school I started to feel anxious all the time, hyper-self conscious, & I started to withdraw from my friends & all social events - I still saw friends periodically but it was difficult & I’d often have sudden crying fits I couldn’t explain or control. At this time the pain was very real yet I didn’t fully understand it. I would tell myself “as I get older this shit will just go away” in an attempt to deal/comfort myself which of course was the precise opposite of what my life would become. It took me 9 (!!) years to get through college because I couldn’t focus, would often withdraw from classes halfway through the the semester (my anxiety was so potent I often would leave class or have such bad panic attacks on the way to class that I’d turn my car around, and run away from responsibility - my mantra became “I’m a total worthless piece of shit” “I’m a total waste of space” “I’m non-functioning garbage” etc. etc. and I felt out of control. I’ve been told over the yrs that I’m “atypical bipolar”, have comorbid MDD//OCD/GAD/SAD/, BPD, but what makes the most sense to me is “agitated and treatment-resistant depression” along w several anxiety disorders. I’ve tried over 68 meds over the last couple decades, including every mood stabilizer, every ssri/snri, every antipsychotic (for augmentation) tricyclics, atypical antidepressants (such as remeron) and of course benzos which sadly I’ve been relying on for over 2
decades - if I don’t take at least 2 mg klonopin at night I won’t sleep AT ALL 😞 I’m just as anxious and agitated at 4 am as I am at 4 pm, my mind will not relent, & it’s hard to rationalize living even though I’m doing “a bit” better - as many of you know the psychological imprisonment is constant. Pathetically, I try to be “proud” of myself when I get out of bed, and even more so if I can go out and take a walk or deal w seeing a friend a couple times a year. If it wasn’t for loving parents who I don’t deserve & a beautiful daughter who deserves much better that I see occasionally (visitation) I would have “gone through” with the worst by now. Alas, the guilt’s always too great. So I “keep going”....every day, wondering what the point is. I’m hoping someday I’ll find out 😥🤔 -Kind regards to all!