I had an awesome time last night with my best friend...got home late...It was fun...but I woke up this morning....feeling terrible...i just have this weight in my mind...in my heart...I want to cry,but no tears are coming out...
#existentialcrisis #Existentialdread #Depression
#SuicidalIdeation #Depression #Existentialdread
Everything is so dark. The thoughts are back. I only have to out-live my father and my dog. That was the bargain I made in February after an attempt. I thought I was heading toward the light these past months but I am back here, again, waiting to die.
Hi, Mighty 👋 Until recently (and since last summer) I had for at least the 20th time become
suicidal (ideation, nonstop obsessive & intrusive thoughts about planning & doing it), intensely agoraphobic, 24/7 agitated & anxious, experiencing sustained anhedonia....utter hell in other words, that blossomed from a nervous breakdown last June. Only bc of recent Ketamine infusions am I able to do things again, and honestly I feel at most 30% better than before - but I’ll take it!! So I
was initially diagnosed w adhd as a child (before it became fashionable to recklessly diagnose/throw pills at any child who displayed behavioral/distractibility/emotional issues) and the adhd has made life that much harder.
By the middle of my sophomore year in high school I started to feel anxious all the time, hyper-self conscious, & I started to withdraw from my friends & all social events - I still saw friends periodically but it was difficult & I’d often have sudden crying fits I couldn’t explain or control. At this time the pain was very real yet I didn’t fully understand it. I would tell myself “as I get older this shit will just go away” in an attempt to deal/comfort myself which of course was the precise opposite of what my life would become. It took me 9 (!!) years to get through college because I couldn’t focus, would often withdraw from classes halfway through the the semester (my anxiety was so potent I often would leave class or have such bad panic attacks on the way to class that I’d turn my car around, and run away from responsibility - my mantra became “I’m a total worthless piece of shit” “I’m a total waste of space” “I’m non-functioning garbage” etc. etc. and I felt out of control. I’ve been told over the yrs that I’m “atypical bipolar”, have comorbid MDD//OCD/GAD/SAD/, BPD, but what makes the most sense to me is “agitated and treatment-resistant depression” along w several anxiety disorders. I’ve tried over 68 meds over the last couple decades, including every mood stabilizer, every ssri/snri, every antipsychotic (for augmentation) tricyclics, atypical antidepressants (such as remeron) and of course benzos which sadly I’ve been relying on for over 2
decades - if I don’t take at least 2 mg klonopin at night I won’t sleep AT ALL 😞 I’m just as anxious and agitated at 4 am as I am at 4 pm, my mind will not relent, & it’s hard to rationalize living even though I’m doing “a bit” better - as many of you know the psychological imprisonment is constant. Pathetically, I try to be “proud” of myself when I get out of bed, and even more so if I can go out and take a walk or deal w seeing a friend a couple times a year. If it wasn’t for loving parents who I don’t deserve & a beautiful daughter who deserves much better that I see occasionally (visitation) I would have “gone through” with the worst by now. Alas, the guilt’s always too great. So I “keep going”....every day, wondering what the point is. I’m hoping someday I’ll find out 😥🤔 -Kind regards to all!
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