The last several months, i’ve been dealing with a very low mood and a general resurgence of my depression. Although i’ve been able to get through my workdays, i have had no energy or interest left over to do the self-care activities that typically help me out of a rough patch - cooking & baking, knitting, reading, yoga, walks. All i have been able to do after work for months is watch tv, scroll on my phone (i limit phone scrolling to pinterest and buzzfeed at least - i know most other social media makes me feel too bad), eat microwave meals, take out, and maybe one or two things i’ve made myself. I know this is not sustainable - i might be able to get through the workday but there’s no joy and no energy left over to be able to engage in things that could bring me joy.
When this depression resurgence came on, my psychiatrist and i decided to change my antidepressant medication again (i’ve had a few med changes in my history). This round we’ve tried Trintillex and then a “refined” version of Celexa, a drug i’ve done okay on (meaning i had some more mental stability but no ability to experience joy - better than not having any medication but still not sustainable long term). The trintillex didnt really help me unfortunately and the refined Celexa has been just okay - still no real ability to experience joy.
I was starting to try a third option this past weekend. I’ve now paused on that because the side effects packed a wallop (extreme grogginess, which is then followed by a weird spaciness - a feeling where it felt like my head was a balloon and my neck was merely a string terhering the balloon to the rest of my body). And although i would normally be willing to put up with random side effects, a few things at work have coincided and it happens to be a really critical time there right now - not a time where it’s easy to get time off work, and a time when i certainly need to feel like my head is a head and not a balloon just to be able to function. I am going to try switching over again when things calm down at work, which should be mid june.
My psychiatrist has been great and i am thankful for that. The medication i have just paused on would be the seventh medication i have tried over the years. Now that i have tried so many, we are starting to talk about different therapies such as TMS or possibly ECT. It’s just hard to access those treatments where i live unless you’ve tried several different medications first.
So even if i dont respond to the medications, that might help me get closer to trying TMS or another therapy which might help. It’s just that for now, i’m still stuck in survival mode. And surviving is good, yes, but i’ve already spent so long only surviving. I would like to experience something a little more than that - a little joy, a little light, a little happiness once in a while. I would like to have a little energy left over at the end of the work day to do something just for me. Or not need to take a two hour nap on Saturday and Sunday because i am so worn out from the previous week of working and keeping it together enough to work. (Side note, we’ve ruled out any potential physical/medical causes of my tiredness - i am tired because i end up using all my energy coping with and overcoming negative and depressive thoughts, or masking how i am feeling in front of coworkers. At this point, i wish my exhaustion was something physical that could be treated more easily.) Staying stuck in survival mode doesn’t really allow for joy.
Anyway. This is longer than I intended. I’ll end with if you are still stuck in survival mode, i’m cheering you on and hoping that you find a little piece of happiness soon. I hope you find the thing that turns your survival into a thriving life.
#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #TreatmentresistantDepression #Anxiety #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #Selfcare #MentalHealth