Treatment-Resistant Depression (TRD)

I have asked about ECT. The memory loss concerns me greatly. If I could choose which memories to lose. I have been on 3 or more mg of clonazepam daily for years, most info says to take for approximately two weeks. I also take Wellbutrin XR 450, lexapro 15, and lamictal 200. None seem to work. Suicide ideation is increasing. My therapist wants me to do a complete medwash and start from scratch. Seeing the withdrawal process, especially of clonazepam and lexapro is terrifying. Some of the meds shouldn’t even be taken together according to med interaction checkers. Has anyone gone off of these - especially clonazepam. I’m so tired of this battle and feel like I’m going backwards.

The last several months, i’ve been dealing with a very low mood and a general resurgence of my depression. Although i’ve been able to get through my workdays, i have had no energy or interest left over to do the self-care activities that typically help me out of a rough patch - cooking & baking, knitting, reading, yoga, walks. All i have been able to do after work for months is watch tv, scroll on my phone (i limit phone scrolling to pinterest and buzzfeed at least - i know most other social media makes me feel too bad), eat microwave meals, take out, and maybe one or two things i’ve made myself. I know this is not sustainable - i might be able to get through the workday but there’s no joy and no energy left over to be able to engage in things that could bring me joy.

When this depression resurgence came on, my psychiatrist and i decided to change my antidepressant medication again (i’ve had a few med changes in my history). This round we’ve tried Trintillex and then a “refined” version of Celexa, a drug i’ve done okay on (meaning i had some more mental stability but no ability to experience joy - better than not having any medication but still not sustainable long term). The trintillex didnt really help me unfortunately and the refined Celexa has been just okay - still no real ability to experience joy.

I was starting to try a third option this past weekend. I’ve now paused on that because the side effects packed a wallop (extreme grogginess, which is then followed by a weird spaciness - a feeling where it felt like my head was a balloon and my neck was merely a string terhering the balloon to the rest of my body). And although i would normally be willing to put up with random side effects, a few things at work have coincided and it happens to be a really critical time there right now - not a time where it’s easy to get time off work, and a time when i certainly need to feel like my head is a head and not a balloon just to be able to function. I am going to try switching over again when things calm down at work, which should be mid june.

My psychiatrist has been great and i am thankful for that. The medication i have just paused on would be the seventh medication i have tried over the years. Now that i have tried so many, we are starting to talk about different therapies such as TMS or possibly ECT. It’s just hard to access those treatments where i live unless you’ve tried several different medications first.

So even if i dont respond to the medications, that might help me get closer to trying TMS or another therapy which might help. It’s just that for now, i’m still stuck in survival mode. And surviving is good, yes, but i’ve already spent so long only surviving. I would like to experience something a little more than that - a little joy, a little light, a little happiness once in a while. I would like to have a little energy left over at the end of the work day to do something just for me. Or not need to take a two hour nap on Saturday and Sunday because i am so worn out from the previous week of working and keeping it together enough to work. (Side note, we’ve ruled out any potential physical/medical causes of my tiredness - i am tired because i end up using all my energy coping with and overcoming negative and depressive thoughts, or masking how i am feeling in front of coworkers. At this point, i wish my exhaustion was something physical that could be treated more easily.) Staying stuck in survival mode doesn’t really allow for joy.

Anyway. This is longer than I intended. I’ll end with if you are still stuck in survival mode, i’m cheering you on and hoping that you find a little piece of happiness soon. I hope you find the thing that turns your survival into a thriving life.

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #TreatmentresistantDepression #Anxiety #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #Selfcare #MentalHealth

Help! I don’t know where else to turn. I see a wonderful counselor weekly. Have had genetic testing and a phenomenal amount of med attempts. Did ketamine for 2 plus years. $500 out of pocket every 2-3 months because insurance doesn’t cover it. It was far from helpful and a terrible experience. I have to write a plan to improve rather than the plan my counselor wrote so I have more ownership. It makes sense to me. I am contracted for safety, I know it’s just a piece of paper. However I am beyond exhausted. I don’t know where to begin. Any suggestions would be helpful. Getting out of this black vortex and to eat. My chances are running out before the option will be taken away. Thanks in advance.

When do things improve? I finally went back to a psychiatrist for med adjustments after a few years due to multiple bad experiences. My regular doctor was prescribing, but didn’t know enough about the meds. I see a therapist weekly. This episode of depression isn’t lifting. It has been months. Not being hungry has caused an increase in my anxiety. How I get up and to work is a huge challenge. I also have SI. I am a Special Education teacher with a student that has many of the same diagnoses. She is a huge trigger to me. Over the weekend she attempted suicide - she is 13. I am very glad she did not succeed. I know she needs lots of help and is getting it long before I ever did which is a positive. Is it bad to think at least she had the determination to try suicide?

Please help me… send some understanding… feel like I am losing the battle.