faith

One soul is worth more than all the world. For one soul Jesus would have passed through the agony of Calvary that that one might be saved in his kingdom. 'Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. ' ”

This quote was written by Ellen G. White and it’s a quote I’ve gone back to time and time again. I’ve gone back to it because I am reminded of my own self-worth to Christ (that He loved me enough to die for me) and because of this one fact I am to love my body and soul and care for them. Not for myself only, but to glorify the Lamb of God whom has taken the sins of the world.

I admit that I have suffered from low self-worth and low self-respect. This brought me to the downward spiral of 19 years of eating disorders, along with 10 years of drunkenness. These though were not as painful as the abusive/self-deprecating dialogue that I had with myself.
I was raised a Christian all my life, however the enemy had convinced me that to my Saviour I was unlovable, unwanted and the most hurtful of all unsavable. I believed this and even though I hoped that Christ loved me, I didn’t in my heart believe it. Until I opened a book by Martin Luther and it was the Commentary of Romans. This inspired me to read Romans (which lead me to other books in the Bible.) This lead me to Christ’s love, His forgiveness and His acceptance of me.
To cleave to the belief that Christ accepts you I have found is the hardest thing to consistently maintain. It is a constant struggle. A forever fight with the Enemy that Christ, The Most High God, the God of Israel accepts/forgives and loves you.

After being baptised I found this struggle to become even more severe. The false message that I’ve not been forgiven, that my sin was too great for God to forgive kept creeping into my mind. Night and day the delusion that I had violated God’s Law unknowingly or that I had not been pardoned from my past transgressions tormented me, and I must admit even now I still struggle with this feeling. Because of this I have fallen down the path of feeling worthless. Even to the point where the Enemy tempted me to leave Christ altogether.
I knew (and believed) by this time though that I was not to fall into the trap to destruction, and I cried out to the Lord saying; “I am not willing to leave you to serve the world…I want to stay and You said in 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”
I cannot endure this please provide a way of escape and it ceased.

This encouraged me in the fact that God is for me.
“If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31

The answer is nothing…not on this earth here nor in the depths of hell. Nothing can tear you away from Christ except you tear yourself away from Him, but He is worthy of fighting for…as He found you worthy to die for. (”For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.“Romans‬ ‭5‬:‭6‬)

If He loved you enough to sacrifice Himself for you…how much more should we have self-worth because He has done this selfless thing for us? How much more should we find ourselves worthy enough to care for, by no longer disrespecting ourselves by abusing our bodies and minds with body destroying habits and self-defeating words etc…even more so how much more fervently are we to respect and treat others with kindness, mercy and compassion. Our Heavenly Father has treated us in this way…are we not to also do likewise? He died for us all and we have all fallen short the glory of God. Who is better than the other that they may disrespect others with vulgar words, and shatter their self-respect impacting also that persons self-worth that could last a lifetime for them.
Words are more hurtful and the damage more lasting than society lets on. Be gentle in words both with others and with yourself. By this we may maintain our own self-worth and the self-worth of others.

And yet I Hope

And yet I hope in Thee!
That Ancient Nazarene…
Whom I did not know nor see that Thou came to die for me. Upon Thy Cross hung all my wrongs, and every sin forgiven. And all my faith is wrapped in Thee, knowing Thou hast risen!
The Eternal Son I did not meet, nor see with my own eyes…but Thy Holy Spirit came to me to gently testify …that all I heard and read of Thee the truth divine and I am Thine, and in faith I may be with Thee,my hope not be in vain…that all that’s promised shall come to pass. Thou is surely mine! To love, to worship and adore, the Lamb of sacrifice.

And yes I hope in Thee when this world is dark. I’m oft times tempted to depart but then I clearly see…this world is temporary. Here, nothing is worth eternity and I pray “help my unbelief, help my doubting, troubled mind…help me to recall Thy sacrifice. Thy blood was shed for me. In faith I claim eternity”
When all is dismal and I can’t find relief…let me hope in Thee! My Yeshua/Salvation…Lord!
Let me hope in You once more…until that time that has no end…into Thy temple I may enter in. #Jesus #Faith

New bipolar medication has definitely helped my mental focus.
I had a job interview on Monday
I stayed focused and I received and and accepted a job offer.
My self esteem is improving.
I did another hard thing this morning concerning another job offer .
I declined a previous job offer over the phone.
When one door is shut another door is open
You have to have Faith.
#Faith

What Is so hard to understand is how does my brain cause a voice and makes me seem things. When I first got saved at 19 my symptoms started I started reading the bible and the voice started to use the bible to tell me to not sleep eat shower I couldn't do anything pleasurable. I would freeze my self out I'm the winter. I wasn't diagnosed until I was about 20 before I had a break though to come to terms that I did have this illness I refused medication for a few more years I was living in torment from the voice. But finally I came to terms to get on medication I still hear a voice and somewhat have hallucinations but it's all manageable but only bc of my faith and medication. #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Faith