faith

I was diagnosed with bipolar aged 25. I was diagnosed just before what would be a two year stint of psychosis and mania that would see me get sectioned four times. This only confirmed the diagnosis to me and those looking after me. Although it was a chaotic time and I wouldn’t want to go back, it allowed me to access therapies and medications that I may not have been able to access had I not been so poorly. It shouldn’t take you being at your worst to get the help you need, but that is the world we live in and even sometimes when you are at your worst you still don’t get heard. I am forever grateful I had my family and particularly my Mam looking after me. She was my voice when I could not speak and although I was very unhappy about even just her presence when I was in hospital, I think that was more a sign of how unwell I was more than anything. I really was glad for her constant visits.

I was not sane of mind. I was hearing voices and those voices were saying I had to leave the hospital and go to Saudi Arabia. I was telling the doctors, “I’m not going home with my Mam. I have to go to Saudi.” I believed I would be safe there from the people who wanted to harm me. I had changed my name and forged a new signature. Sometimes, when I tell people about it now they can’t believe it because I seem so well. And I am in a good place really. I’m a million miles away from where I was back then. If I could take a pill to assure I never go back there I would, but I can’t so instead I take an antipsychotic in the hopes it will do the same.

The thing is, antipsychotics aren’t magic. They can’t assure you will never get sectioned again. They are actually very risky drug to take long term. I have many side effects from taking them at such high doses. Those that I will live with for the rest of my life. Do I still have bad days? Of course. Do I still have bad thoughts? Well, yes. I’ve spent four months of my life hospitalised. It’s bound to affect me. But I’ll do my damndest to make sure I never go back. And if taking an antipsychotic each day makes that difference then I’ll do it.

I know many people with bipolar hate taking medication, for various reasons, but I have seen it for myself; these people unfortunately tend to end up back in hospital. I don’t want to live my life this way. Going in and out of hospital changes you, you lose friends and family, you lose yourself, you hurt people, you hurt yourself. It's not a smooth process. It’s not an easy life to lead. You have to readjust to society. In some ways hospital can be a comfort blanket. You get medication that you might not get in the community, you get fed and watered but that’s it. You can’t stay there forever and you will always have to face the consequences when you come out.

When I came out of hospital the last time that was when the real work started. I was about five stone heavier than when I first went into hospital eighteen months earlier. The antipsychotics had increased my appetite big style and I was being injected with them by force at the highest dose. I had no control over my weight and it was affecting my self esteem. I already had an eating disorder so this was really difficult for me in particular.

On top of this, I had the sudden realisation that the past two years of my life were based on a lie. That I had been telling everyone around me they were making things up and were in the wrong but in fact it was me. It was gut wrenching. How could it be? I genuinely believed my neighbours were stalking me. Stealing money from me. That’s just the start of it. I could write a book, a dissertation on all of the things I believed that weren’t true. They were so intricate and detailed. I can’t fathom how my brain would or could make those things up. Why would my mind work against me like that, I don’t know.

Even to this day, I can get emotional about it. My bipolar has been in my life since I was a teen. My bipolar has led me to multiple suicide attempts. My bipolar has caused me to steal, lie and cheat. My bipolar has lost me friends. My bipolar has left me homeless. My bipolar has lost me two years of my life. My bipolar has seen me hospitalised.

The list goes on. But despite all this, I keep going. Life goes on and I shake it off and keep moving.

If you have bipolar, psychosis or another severe mental health condition and are having a hard time. Know that you can keep going. Life will throw stuff at you. Sometimes it will be horrible. But we’ve just got to keep going. Keep on, keeping on if you can. Too many of us couldn’t.

When you’re experiencing psychosis, your memories feel so raw. You relive every moment of your life but at a million miles an hour and then wonder why those around you aren’t doing the same. Then you get locked up and then there is nothing left to do but think about all those moments that become memories that will soon become dots because you will either become too ill to function or those who you used to socialise with and call friends or even family won’t want to anymore because they’ve seen you at your worst and they aren’t here for it.

People say they support mental health and people should talk more until it lands on their own doorstep. I’m not saying they are right or wrong. It’s hard to deal with, but at least they weren’t living with it like my family had to. At least they could walk away. And I bear no grudges. I understand. I’ve got friends in the system now and it can be challenging talking to them when they don’t know what’s what. It is a really sad time because at times it feels like they will never get better, but you have to have hope. You have to have faith in people. If you don’t have that then what do we really have left at all?

#Bipolar #Psychosis #BipolarDisorder #Recovery #MentalHealth #sectioned #hospitalised #Faith

I spoke this morning on Amazing Grace. Hope it encourages you.

www.youtube.com/live/39pFxuH7Zqg

One soul is worth more than all the world. For one soul Jesus would have passed through the agony of Calvary that that one might be saved in his kingdom. 'Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. ' ”

This quote was written by Ellen G. White and it’s a quote I’ve gone back to time and time again. I’ve gone back to it because I am reminded of my own self-worth to Christ (that He loved me enough to die for me) and because of this one fact I am to love my body and soul and care for them. Not for myself only, but to glorify the Lamb of God whom has taken the sins of the world.

I admit that I have suffered from low self-worth and low self-respect. This brought me to the downward spiral of 19 years of eating disorders, along with 10 years of drunkenness. These though were not as painful as the abusive/self-deprecating dialogue that I had with myself.
I was raised a Christian all my life, however the enemy had convinced me that to my Saviour I was unlovable, unwanted and the most hurtful of all unsavable. I believed this and even though I hoped that Christ loved me, I didn’t in my heart believe it. Until I opened a book by Martin Luther and it was the Commentary of Romans. This inspired me to read Romans (which lead me to other books in the Bible.) This lead me to Christ’s love, His forgiveness and His acceptance of me.
To cleave to the belief that Christ accepts you I have found is the hardest thing to consistently maintain. It is a constant struggle. A forever fight with the Enemy that Christ, The Most High God, the God of Israel accepts/forgives and loves you.

After being baptised I found this struggle to become even more severe. The false message that I’ve not been forgiven, that my sin was too great for God to forgive kept creeping into my mind. Night and day the delusion that I had violated God’s Law unknowingly or that I had not been pardoned from my past transgressions tormented me, and I must admit even now I still struggle with this feeling. Because of this I have fallen down the path of feeling worthless. Even to the point where the Enemy tempted me to leave Christ altogether.
I knew (and believed) by this time though that I was not to fall into the trap to destruction, and I cried out to the Lord saying; “I am not willing to leave you to serve the world…I want to stay and You said in 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”
I cannot endure this please provide a way of escape and it ceased.

This encouraged me in the fact that God is for me.
“If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31

The answer is nothing…not on this earth here nor in the depths of hell. Nothing can tear you away from Christ except you tear yourself away from Him, but He is worthy of fighting for…as He found you worthy to die for. (”For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.“Romans‬ ‭5‬:‭6‬)

If He loved you enough to sacrifice Himself for you…how much more should we have self-worth because He has done this selfless thing for us? How much more should we find ourselves worthy enough to care for, by no longer disrespecting ourselves by abusing our bodies and minds with body destroying habits and self-defeating words etc…even more so how much more fervently are we to respect and treat others with kindness, mercy and compassion. Our Heavenly Father has treated us in this way…are we not to also do likewise? He died for us all and we have all fallen short the glory of God. Who is better than the other that they may disrespect others with vulgar words, and shatter their self-respect impacting also that persons self-worth that could last a lifetime for them.
Words are more hurtful and the damage more lasting than society lets on. Be gentle in words both with others and with yourself. By this we may maintain our own self-worth and the self-worth of others.

And yet I Hope

And yet I hope in Thee!
That Ancient Nazarene…
Whom I did not know nor see that Thou came to die for me. Upon Thy Cross hung all my wrongs, and every sin forgiven. And all my faith is wrapped in Thee, knowing Thou hast risen!
The Eternal Son I did not meet, nor see with my own eyes…but Thy Holy Spirit came to me to gently testify …that all I heard and read of Thee the truth divine and I am Thine, and in faith I may be with Thee,my hope not be in vain…that all that’s promised shall come to pass. Thou is surely mine! To love, to worship and adore, the Lamb of sacrifice.

And yes I hope in Thee when this world is dark. I’m oft times tempted to depart but then I clearly see…this world is temporary. Here, nothing is worth eternity and I pray “help my unbelief, help my doubting, troubled mind…help me to recall Thy sacrifice. Thy blood was shed for me. In faith I claim eternity”
When all is dismal and I can’t find relief…let me hope in Thee! My Yeshua/Salvation…Lord!
Let me hope in You once more…until that time that has no end…into Thy temple I may enter in. #Jesus #Faith