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    Decision-making paralysis

    Hi everyone, I joined this group as soon as I saw it created, but I haven't posted here before. I feel so much turmoil still around my religious affiliation (evangelical Christian). I'm at a point now where I can say, "I don't think I'm a Christian anymore." The thing is, even if I'm not, the Bible verses and teachings are so, so ingrained in my psyche after being in the church from the time I was born.

    I am having a lot of difficulty with making decisions now, in particular. When I was actively living as a Christian, I would pray and seek advice from church leaders and read the Bible if I had to make a decision. I always had this dread hanging over me that I might make a decision that was against "God's will" though; as a result, I definitely made a number of decisions that were harmful to me because it seemed like they were more acceptable to the church.

    Now, I don't feel that dread about God's will, but I feel that I am completely lacking a foundation or framework for deciding what to do. I'm currently going through some career decisions and I can't separate "my values" from what I was indoctrinated into. Every time I try to start processing through this, I end up just breaking down because I feel like I don't even have an identity, and maybe I never have had one of my own. It's all very overwhelming and crushing.

    I know there aren't any easy solutions to this, but I hope someone out there can at least relate to where I am at.

    Thanks for listening ❤️

    #Decisions #Career #Faith #Christianity #spiritualabuse #Identity #MentalHealth

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    A distorted sense of identity does not help with an assignment about personal group identity experiences. #BPD #Identity

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    Pain That knows

    #Depression #Anxiety #GenderDysphoria #MentalHealth #transformation #rebirth #Rise

    A long time ago in a far far far far distance from where we are today there was this person who was neither alive more dead. This person never felt the same nave felt included or connected with the people around them. This person would do what is expected and would put on that smile wear that hat 🎩 or that hat 🧢 well maybe that hat 👒 so as to blend or fit in until the time when IT was time to move on and try again. The emotional damage built over time IT really did. So much so that the person #disassociated #DID or as the person who explains #Dis #Divergent #Identity #Spectrum . The person didn’t feel real lived in #Autopilot mode and #DID what was expected of them. #Numbess #hurt #Pain #sorrow #Loneliness #Sadness #abandonment and yes #homelessness .

    #transformation from a spiritual perspective and a physical perspective is a profound experience that changes your perception. When you have read the bible searched through Google and endured countless hours of counseling you realize #It . IT is what IT is isn’t IT. #please choose you. #please choose your present. #please choose your path. When you do not choose #you to be who you are others do.

    #Transition ended the cycle.

    This person sacrificed their life so that a new life could be! Now #free in #2023 this person has hope and a life that is full of love in so many different ways. The love this person has is #Selflove #SelfIdenty #Selfcare and yes #SpiritualLove .

    No longer dose the person stare in the mirror 🪞 trying to see someone else. No now the person sees someone who is actually looking back at them. That person smiles! That person is happy! That person dose what makes them an individual!

    We are all different and we all are special in so many ways so please 🙏 know there are better days!

    #yournotalone #YourWorthy #yourlifematters

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    Competitive Sport

    By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

    It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

    I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

    If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

    There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

    My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

    It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

    My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

    It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

    In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

    #self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

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    The Duality of Bipolar and My Identity

    One thing I remember about my worst depressive episode was the absence of feelings. It was desperation that anything at all would penetrate the dark and bring me to light: that I would again have the ability to feel my grief, to laugh, or even just to cry. Life was a literal abyss of passing time, laying in bed and binging pages on the internet just to distract myself and pass time.

    Social media does a good job capturing a major transition from depression to (hypo)mania. By going back in time, I noticed some features that changed with my episode. I smiled with my teeth and did not feel insecure. I laughed and after so much darkness, I was startled by the sound. I was ambitious in my ideas, excited about where I was going in life.

    This is not to dismiss the way I was spending money or the people I let down. Nor the risk taking or reckless disregard for my health. But this is the nature of things, that these episodes carry consequences as much as blessings.

    What I have been thinking is, who am I amongst all of these things? My switches feel so radical that mixed in with that norm we all have, I have these pressured episodes that pull me in completely opposite directions. Am I confident and ambitious, am I hopeless and insecure? Both of these are inside of me. Is my disorder dictating my self, or am I coming out in my disorder?

    For the longest time, I felt lost in these questions, as if my sense of self disappeared and I didn’t know who I was. Now I know that I am contained in my (hypo)mania, my depression, and the moments in between. My disorder is a fundamental part of my identity, a legitimate force that brings out the best and worst of me. I am my laughter and my emptiness.

    I know that I am not the disorder and the disorder is not me. Really, it is part of the spectrum I exist in and it gives and takes from who I am each time the tide changes. Resistance is the denial of my existence. The answer to my question: I am amongst all of these things, I am in each rise and fall. I was never gone, I just needed to find a way to recognize myself.

    #Bipolar #BipolarDisorder #Identity #Depression #Mania #Hypomania #self

    1 comment

    It's Soul Crushing

    Just having a not so great night. Feeling down and dark. Just that crushing feeling that this is the way I am. This is who I am. This IS who I am and will always be. My true self is dark. My true self is someone who attempted suicide.

    I'm not like anyone else. Different. I FEEL different. It takes my breath away. It crushes my lungs and my heart. Like I'm not meant for this world.

    I walk around with a mask. But sometimes the mask loses it's grip and has to come off. It's weight lifting and torture at the same time. It's exhausting being the other me. The one who takes 5 meds everyday to "get through". To wear the mask.

    I've always felt different. I've always been different than anyone I've known. Darker. I feel like I have a dark soul.

    I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone. It's just crushing me tonight and I want to completely break down and I can't.

    Then I think about when I went to the hospital and I think, that's who I am. That's where I belong. How long can I keep the facade up? The meds will eventually stop working, right? When does the voice that tells me to take my life come back?

    I feel a sense of belonging when I think about my darkest times. And also a terrifying feeling all at the same time. I just don't get it.

    People say, this doesn't define you. This isn't WHO you are. This is just part of who you are. You HAVE depression. You HAVE anxiety. But those aren't WHO you are.
    But really, it is. All these things make me who I am. So therefore, I am that. I AM those things. It's in me. I FEEL it. And it's never going to go away, is it? It just hides behind the curtain for a bit. That's all.'s back to hell I go. #Depression #Suicide #SuicideSurvivor #Anxiety #Identity #Addiction


    Please no hate comments or "cringe" reposts, but I am apart of the otherkin community as nonhuman

    It's true

    It's not in any pessimistic or degrading way, don't
    worry. I am a part of the otherkin/alterhuman
    community. For me, I'm an alien hybrid
    involuntarily. Being called a human makes me
    sad. I mean I get why, it's extremely common in
    our society. It's expected the vast majority of the
    time because a pretty very small even know
    about what it means. Yes, I am aware that I'm in
    a human body and have a humanlike mind. I do
    not act wrongfully inhumane.

    I decided to say this because I am making sure
    that this is a safe space for sure, even for
    someone who identifies as nonhuman like me.
    That and "human" makes me sad, but I'm not
    mad. We face a lot of stigma, being called
    cringey and posted in cringe subreddits back and
    forth, and saying that we can only be a full
    human and that's it. The majority of us coming
    out or just being ourselves, there's a "cringe"
    repost about that. No, I do not experience
    delusions. Also "cringe" is a disgusting word.

    Here’s a link if anyone’s interested ⭐️

    I hope I don’t regret posting this…

    #Alterhuman #otherkin #Identity #IExist #EndTheStigma #Stigma #EDUCATE

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    my name is lenny and i struggle with profound sadness. i’m an artist who struggled with feeling good enough to be where i want to be and do what i want to do #Depression #creativity #Identity

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    Gender stereotypes can be traumatizing

    Stereotypes about gender are a part of our lives from even before we have been born. Pink for girls, blue for boys. Barbies for girls, trucks for boys. As we get socialized, messages of what makes us "feminine" or "masculine" are foisted upon us from every corner of life and if we don't align with these stereotypes we may feel a deep sense of rejection and insecurity in who we are and how we fit in.

    Have you ever felt pressured by conventional gender stereotypes? How have these contributed to your trauma? Share your thoughts below.

    #Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #gender #genderstereotypes #gendernorms #femininity #masculinity #Identity