Identity

Hi everyone, I joined this group as soon as I saw it created, but I haven't posted here before. I feel so much turmoil still around my religious affiliation (evangelical Christian). I'm at a point now where I can say, "I don't think I'm a Christian anymore." The thing is, even if I'm not, the Bible verses and teachings are so, so ingrained in my psyche after being in the church from the time I was born.

I am having a lot of difficulty with making decisions now, in particular. When I was actively living as a Christian, I would pray and seek advice from church leaders and read the Bible if I had to make a decision. I always had this dread hanging over me that I might make a decision that was against "God's will" though; as a result, I definitely made a number of decisions that were harmful to me because it seemed like they were more acceptable to the church.

Now, I don't feel that dread about God's will, but I feel that I am completely lacking a foundation or framework for deciding what to do. I'm currently going through some career decisions and I can't separate "my values" from what I was indoctrinated into. Every time I try to start processing through this, I end up just breaking down because I feel like I don't even have an identity, and maybe I never have had one of my own. It's all very overwhelming and crushing.

I know there aren't any easy solutions to this, but I hope someone out there can at least relate to where I am at.

Thanks for listening ❤️

#Decisions #Career #Faith #Christianity #spiritualabuse #Identity #MentalHealth

By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

#self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

Just having a not so great night. Feeling down and dark. Just that crushing feeling that this is the way I am. This is who I am. This IS who I am and will always be. My true self is dark. My true self is someone who attempted suicide.

I'm not like anyone else. Different. I FEEL different. It takes my breath away. It crushes my lungs and my heart. Like I'm not meant for this world.

I walk around with a mask. But sometimes the mask loses it's grip and has to come off. It's weight lifting and torture at the same time. It's exhausting being the other me. The one who takes 5 meds everyday to "get through". To wear the mask.

I've always felt different. I've always been different than anyone I've known. Darker. I feel like I have a dark soul.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone. It's just crushing me tonight and I want to completely break down and I can't.

Then I think about when I went to the hospital and I think, that's who I am. That's where I belong. How long can I keep the facade up? The meds will eventually stop working, right? When does the voice that tells me to take my life come back?

I feel a sense of belonging when I think about my darkest times. And also a terrifying feeling all at the same time. I just don't get it.

People say, this doesn't define you. This isn't WHO you are. This is just part of who you are. You HAVE depression. You HAVE anxiety. But those aren't WHO you are.
But really, it is. All these things make me who I am. So therefore, I am that. I AM those things. It's in me. I FEEL it. And it's never going to go away, is it? It just hides behind the curtain for a bit. That's all. Then......it's back to hell I go. #Depression #Suicide #SuicideSurvivor #Anxiety #Identity #Addiction

It's true

It's not in any pessimistic or degrading way, don't
worry. I am a part of the otherkin/alterhuman
community. For me, I'm an alien hybrid
involuntarily. Being called a human makes me
sad. I mean I get why, it's extremely common in
our society. It's expected the vast majority of the
time because a pretty very small even know
about what it means. Yes, I am aware that I'm in
a human body and have a humanlike mind. I do
not act wrongfully inhumane.

I decided to say this because I am making sure
that this is a safe space for sure, even for
someone who identifies as nonhuman like me.
That and "human" makes me sad, but I'm not
mad. We face a lot of stigma, being called
cringey and posted in cringe subreddits back and
forth, and saying that we can only be a full
human and that's it. The majority of us coming
out or just being ourselves, there's a "cringe"
repost about that. No, I do not experience
delusions. Also "cringe" is a disgusting word.

Here’s a link if anyone’s interested ⭐️ alt-h.net/educate/faq.php

I hope I don’t regret posting this…

#Alterhuman #otherkin #Identity #IExist #EndTheStigma #Stigma #EDUCATE