I've gone down a rabbit hole of listening to everything by Faouzia on YouTube tonight instead of sleeping and I'd never really paid attention to her lyrics before. Wow, do some of them resonate with me as a narcissistic abuse survivor. She really captured some of the pain and torment. I mean, besides that, she is an absolutely incredible blow-your-socks off amazing singer and musician.

Check out some of these lyrics:

"Don't you know that
I cried tears of gold for you
I sit here poor for you
Collect my pennies and my dimes
That's why you love it when I cry"
- Faouzia, "Tears of Gold"

This song really captures the horrible cycle of narcissistic supply and demand. It takes me back to those times when I'd be sitting there crying and he'd just go about his business as if he hadn't just blamed all the hurt he'd caused on me again.

"Run
I'm tired but I can't sleep
'Cause they're waiting for me
These bad dreams are more than true"
- Faouzia, "Bad Dreams"

That idea of not just fearing an idea, but actually having come face to face with even worse than your nightmare in real life. I didn't know someone like him could exist - someone with no empathy who delighted in my mental and emotional suffering. You can't ever wake up from that because it's real.

"I don't know who I am
Or who I used to be before
You broke me in a thousand pieces
Now tell me, how am I to fix this?"
- Faouzia, "My Heart's Grave"

The loss of a sense of identity from a relationship with a narcissist is something that I don't know if I'll ever recover from. It's been eight years - when am I suppose to have all those pieces back together? I don't even know who I want to be because nothing feels safe.

Anyway, I'm #Upallnight and just thought I'd share what's going on with me.

#Narcissiticabuse #Relationships #CPTSD #Depression #Anxiety #Music #Lyrics #Faouzia