Grown

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    #learning about myself

    So to start out, I want to say that my birth name is Michaela. I usually don't state this, but in this case it's necessary.

    I have a friend who was there when I was Michaela, but was unaware of why I changed my name. So, he asked me. My response threw me off a little. I didn't think and just sent him an honest message. I didn't even know some of this until I sent it to him. I said:

    " I have a lot of negative stuff attached to "Michaela" and..idk, it's like when I transgender person changes their name, yk. It's bcuz they name they were given at birth is damaging. I've had a lot of trauma in my life and all of it happened to Michaela. Ig when I changed it to Laela it was like I was able to start over. Michaela is quiet, shy, and scared of everything. Laela is strong, passionate, and fights for what she wants and believes in. Everything that's happened to me happened when I was going by that name, and I just wanted to move forward. Essentially, it's a dead name. It's harmful and damaging to be called it. “

    It's weird to hear people call me Michaela, and it does hurt severely every time. It's like being walked through, like I'm a cloud of mist that doesn't matter.

    The picture I attached is one that my mom took of me about a week ago. I love this picture. It shows how much I've #Grown in the past few years. Months even! I've gone from hating myself, and wishing I was dead, to loving myself and planning what I want in my life. People have always told me that I won't get anywhere in life, that I'm not smart enough, not brave enough, not strong enough. And it hurts. It sticks. Those words, yes are just words, but they hurt like a bitch. But the difference between when they say it now and when they had said it then.....then I was Michaela, shy and easy to walk over. Now, I'm Laela. I know who I am and nobody is going to tell me what I can and can't do.

    #Stronger

    #Depression

    #movingforward

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    My daughter has BPD i think. #BPD , #Grown daughter BPD, #Family , #This is hard

    So, I have a 19yr old son & 26 r old daughter. Ive had a Dx of Chronic depression forever- comes & goes, prob 2 very very bad incidences in my 54 years. I am a licensed therapist- so Im not just throwing out opinions. I do believe my son has Narcissistic PD which is not surprising, as so did his father.
    But my daughter is another story. We've had our struggles but we've always been close. But this Summer after recovering from some health issues & finally getting stronger, I noticed that she does nothing but insult & criticize me. She also gossips about me to her friends, lies about me, says Im crazy, rewrites history, says shocking things just to get a reaction. A few days ago tho- she accused me of trying to come onto her BF. Also she openly lied to people about some events, & also attempted to manipulate her/our friends into getting into & taking sides in our disagreement. In fact both her BF & her best friend's Mother texted me about it.

    Now I have zero interest in her BF & did no such thing. I also didnt do some other thingthings she accused me of, (stealing a blanket from her, trying to upstage an outing she was planning, drinking at bars all the time, taking $ from her). I mean the accusations were Bizarre- & had no basis. & then to try & bring friends in against me.
    Shes always been temperamental, but I never experienced her lying like this or being so rude & insulting to me.
    At first i reacted with denials & anger . But then i became concerned bcuz this just all seemed so over the top & weird . I asked if she was okay- & suggested maybe get some help.
    Well that launched a whole new avalanche of insults & accusations. At this point I have just stopped answering her calls or texts or even reading them. Its like Alice in Wonderland- When i engage- she just pulls me in further to this morass of confusion, lies, total rage & slight paranoia.
    I think she is in the midst of full blown BPD at its worst. I think she has some awareness something isnt right, but she quickly projects all issues onto me.
    This has happened on the past where for my own health Ive had to ho No Contact for a few weeks- & always in that time, she gets really depressed- & then turns Full Fury on her BF.
    I have never seen her this bad tho- & actually until this week, I never considered a Dx of BPD for her or actually any Dx at all.
    Im not sure how to proceed. I cannot tolerate the name calling, accusations & lies & told her that her complete Disrespect & Lies on that matter would not be tolerated. I also told her I would not engage until she stopped insulting me & making accusations.
    This has caused her to Blow up my phone & try to(& succeed at) getting others involved.
    Im not perfect by any means, but She is not well. She will never be able to hear that from me- or seek help. I dont want to lose my daughter, but I cant put up with the abuse. I really dont know what to do. Ive been her background emotional support for years.