Yesterday, I decided to rearrange my room after a #DepressiveEpisode of about a week. Yesterday, when I woke up, I had energy, motivation, determination. This scared me. Still is because I did the same thing today. Woke up, put up laundry, made coffee, and the days just begun.
Why am I scared of productivity?
Perhaps it's because I'm only used to being productive when I'm #Manic . That worries me because I know i need to keep up the pace or at least keep taking one step forward in spite of my #Depression .
However, i have to remember that thats not always the case. Sometimes sure, but sometimes it's just because I've been taking better care of myself. It may be because of the little steps I've taken that has helped me get to this point. Perhaps it's simply because I haven't forgotten my meds in a while. Regardless of the why, I have to remind myself that I have the gas in the tank to go at least a mile today. That the energy I have won't be wasted on facebook or the like. That mentally, I'm #Stronger than I've ever been.
So, for #today , I will be kind to myself. I will alow myself to work AND rest as I can. I will be strong. #strongerthandepression and #StrongerThanBipolar . I will remember just who I am and fall in love with myself over and over again until it becomes habitual. I will remember that I am #morethandepression and #morethanbipolar . I am worthy of a tidy space to live. I am worthy of the love I give. #iamworthy
For every person in our lives that left us in the horrible ways that they did-
We have new, amazing friendships forged here.
For every person that treats us despicably-even family, friends, and even medical professionals, and adds layers onto our other related past traumas we have been healing from, we only have to open The Mighty app and reach out to each other and we can count on the most beautiful, empathetic souls reaching back to be by our side so fast.
For every morning we wake up with pain coursing through our bodies and/or our minds from illnesses that are beasts, together we pull from each others’ inspiration and strength and we fight through each day as the warriors that we have become.
For any time we feel so alone in this, we can always post or join in a conversation here and see that we are never fighting our fight alone/never dealing with the hard blows of this kind of life alone.
For any time situations in our life cause very real anxieties that are overwhelming for anyone to handle, there is an army of us right here living in solidarity to help quell our anxieties.
For anytime we feel like we don’t exist, that we aren’t seen, that we aren’t valued and valuable, so many of us Mighties will always quickly let us know how incredibly important each of us are, and how cared about we all are by so many of us from all places around the world.
And this is all a great, bright light from the darkness. This is all a comforting balm to soothe the pain coursing through our bodies and our minds.
This is what makes us all rich instead of feelings of living in scarcity.
These are all the gifts that we have been given that is greater than any gift you could ever think you wanted.
We are each others’ wings that allow us to soar above it all.
Sorrow won’t be finding us no more when we know all of these things.
Emptiness and hopelessness cannot exist when we know these things.
We have so much to be joyful about.
Let us all keep seeing all of the beauty and gifts from the pain.
Let us all keep rising stronger together and show this world all of the greatness that we are, even on our worst days.
Let us all continue to save each other and continue to save ourselves.
That ultimately is the power we have and the responsibility we have - it ultimately is up to us to be the change that we want for ourselves and for others.
#ChronicIllness #ChronicDepression #MajorDepression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ChronicPain #ChronicFatigue #MadeVisible #TreatmentresistantDepression #PTSD #Pain #hurt #Selfharm #BeTheChange #IAmTheChange #IfYouFeelHopeless #Hope #Insomnia #Disability #MightyTogether #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidePrevention #positive #Positivity #Loss #Grief #Healing #alone #lonely #Stronger #SocialAnxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #BipolarDepression
So to start out, I want to say that my birth name is Michaela. I usually don't state this, but in this case it's necessary.
I have a friend who was there when I was Michaela, but was unaware of why I changed my name. So, he asked me. My response threw me off a little. I didn't think and just sent him an honest message. I didn't even know some of this until I sent it to him. I said:
" I have a lot of negative stuff attached to "Michaela" and..idk, it's like when I transgender person changes their name, yk. It's bcuz they name they were given at birth is damaging. I've had a lot of trauma in my life and all of it happened to Michaela. Ig when I changed it to Laela it was like I was able to start over. Michaela is quiet, shy, and scared of everything. Laela is strong, passionate, and fights for what she wants and believes in. Everything that's happened to me happened when I was going by that name, and I just wanted to move forward. Essentially, it's a dead name. It's harmful and damaging to be called it. “
It's weird to hear people call me Michaela, and it does hurt severely every time. It's like being walked through, like I'm a cloud of mist that doesn't matter.
The picture I attached is one that my mom took of me about a week ago. I love this picture. It shows how much I've #Grown in the past few years. Months even! I've gone from hating myself, and wishing I was dead, to loving myself and planning what I want in my life. People have always told me that I won't get anywhere in life, that I'm not smart enough, not brave enough, not strong enough. And it hurts. It sticks. Those words, yes are just words, but they hurt like a bitch. But the difference between when they say it now and when they had said it then.....then I was Michaela, shy and easy to walk over. Now, I'm Laela. I know who I am and nobody is going to tell me what I can and can't do.
#Anxiety just does not seem to go away for me lately. I have been feeling very struck-out. There are a lot of things going on for me this month and I somewhat feel #overwhelmed with a bunch of #Stress .
Tomorrow I go back to work after my weekend off, and it doesn't entirely feel good. I had left #Work early on Sunday and therefore had about 3 days off. But I spent most of it being #Upset and #depressed because of the personal nonsense going on in my life.
I know we all have issues.. and life sucks sometimes. I know we all pull through it because we are #Stronger than we know. With #Bipolar being at my mind all the time and random running #Thoughts , I cannot seem to really pin myself down. I hate it when I feel alone even when I am not alone. It would be nice to find more people around me who can #understand me.
So I recently became friends with someone. Over time I’ve slowly got to know them, and last week found out they too suffer from chronic pain!
I have never met another YA that suffers from chronic pain but many older people, so I imagine the rate is fairly low. So I guess it’s as they say: like attracts like.
Can’t remember if I said before, but I have a new job. It’s quite hard work, but thankfully my back has been okay.
To be honest, my back is okay most the time these days, but I don’t know if it’s just the case of being so used to the pain that I don’t notice low-level pain anymore.
Though I keep getting reminded how my life has changed because of chronic pain.
I’ve been thinking about going to the gym and doing exercises at home, but my brain reminds me I can’t do as much as everyone else can, because it sets off the pain and there’s only so much of it that I can take.
And when I was visiting my friend, I saw them run up the stairs and it hit me that I don’t/ can’t do that anymore. Quick movements set off the pain, and I get scared of tripping and injuring myself again (traumatic response). I never quite realised until that day.
Don’t take any of this the wrong way though, I’m not feeling sorry for myself at all. There is *so* much I can still do and the fact I can lead a relatively normal life is a blessing I never deserved but try to make the most of. And what caused the pain should have left me dead or at the very least paralysed, and it didn’t.
The pain I live with, the memories of being in resus and not being able to move much, the difficulties as a result of the injuries I suffered, they make me grateful and have taught me so much.