movingforward

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Thought Process

🌷 #happythoughts .

I have been feeling #good today. It feels weird to be naturally #happy in moments where you think that there could be something to take it away soon. However, I learned that I am not going to let that #Happen to me. I will not let anyone #StealMyJoy today. 🌞 I know that I am #Blessed even in the #darktimes .

Everything is going to be OK when the storm passes. It may feel #scary right now, but it will pass through. There may be an aftermath, but take heart that you will not be alone in this.

I Am Here For You.

#BipolarDisorder #AnxietyDisorder
#PanicAttacks
#PanicDisorder
#distortedthinking
#Depression
#strength
#movingforward
#workinghard
#DealingWithGrief

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Back to #Work

I took a week off work for my recent trip (see previous posts), and then got sick over the weekend and have barely worked this week so far. The thing is, I don't want to go back.

I think I figured out today what the main issue is: I understood that 90% of my role would be centred on certain tasks and responsibilities (that I wanted to do), but that is working out to be only about 20% of it. I did ask for a job description before accepting this role 1.5 years ago (I have been a bit slow to process how I'm feeling about my job haha), but my boss said she didn't really follow it. Honestly, if the ratio was even 50-50, I would be more OK with it. My boss has been in her role for almost 30 years, so she is unlikely to shift the way she does things at this point.

So, here's what I'm thinking of doing. I know that it is going to be difficult to hire a replacement for me (one of our other locations has been looking for two years), and I also don't have another job lined up or even know what to apply for. My thought is to tell my boss that she should start looking for a replacement, but that I will stay until the end of quarter 2 (June 30) if she needs me. This way, both of us have space to explore what we need, but I at least have a definite end date.

Is this a good idea or am I just drawing things out unnecessarily? (Note that while talking about other job options with my sister yesterday I had to cut the conversation off because my anxiety got so bad I almost couldn't breathe.) I don't see my therapist until next week, but we have talked about my stress about work before many times.

#Work #Job #Responsibility #Quit #movingforward #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

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Discouraged

Discouraged and giving up on situations I have been praying over, crying out for and believing for the past few years. They are consequences of my mental illness that I have done all I can to rectify, mend and heal for. I guess it just wasn't in the cards. #timetomoveon #movingforward #notsupposedtobethisway #Heartbroken #Itiswhatitis

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New

Hi. I just joined. I have a lot going on in my life and I just can’t talk with people in my circle. I heard about this site and figured I would give it a try. Glad to be here. #Grief #grieving #standingstill #movingforward

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July 8th..

Well, today was the day. I am finally rid of you on paper, and I will no longer have your last name. You abused me in every way. You left me with so much trauma to deal with. So even though I am rid of you on paper, sadly not rid of you like I want to be. You destroyed the person I use to be, I allowed you to. Because I loved you. I loved you more than I loved myself.

It’s insane to me how you could spend 8+ years with someone.. know them inside and out, go through so much shit, and then all in one day, turn to nothing. But that’s just it, I’ve always been nothing to you. And I’ve known that, I just wanted you to love me. I just wanted to be enough for you. You always told me how I made you feel loved, I just wanted to feel that way.

But you had better things to focus on, which was you. You were taking care of you, I was taking care of you. Meanwhile no one was taking care of me. You made me hate who I was. You made me a nobody. You kept me from the people who loved me the most.

In 8 years you made/gave me an alcoholic, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and WORST of all ptsd. For the love of GOD I should have put you in jail when I had the chance, but I loved you. And I forgave you. For everything.. that’s one of the hardest things to do is forgive someone who isn’t sorry.

Now all I want is myself. I want my life back, I don’t want memories. But that’s all I’m stuck with. I will never be the person I was..

I will now be better, stronger.
I’m not sure how I’ll get through this. But I know I will. Because that’s all I know how to do is fight, and survive, except I’ll get to a point where I’ll be living NOT just surviving.

One day you will no longer be in my thoughts, memories. The trauma you caused me will no longer control me. You’ll just fade away.

Until then, I’ll keep fighting.

#RapeSurvivors #PTSD #Anxiety #startingover #Divorced #movingforward #Trying #Goodenough

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Well…

I ended up getting the apology from my mom’s husband for being exposed to his addiction among other things, and with all honesty, it didn’t hit me in a way that I thought it would. I had been wanting this for so long, and now that I got it, I’m unfazed by it. Perhaps it might be because I had gotten help to navigate through the past. Maybe it might be the fact that I was looking for that to be the thing to give me some form of freedom… but I already had that the whole time. I didn’t need his acknowledgment in the end because so much has happened and I’ve gotten this far without it. It’s a weird thing, really. I should be happy, but my inner self is really saying,” What am I supposed to do with this?” Not in an angry way, but because I’m confused. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #movingforward #whatdoidonow

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Journal Entry - Hoping For A Brighter Future & Scared Of Change

I have good news! There was a job fair at my work the other day.

Their focus was on veterans. I wasn't in long enough to be considered a veteran because I drank myself out, but I do still qualify for job placement assistance.

I've really needed this. I've felt so stuck and hopeless lately.

I'm also very scared of change, even when I need it.

I'm going here on Monday to discuss job placement options that they have for me.

#movingforward #TheMighty

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Finding Joy

Have you ever just searched the internet and looked for something that can make you smile? I am finding it more difficult these days with all the painful actions taking place.

Like many of you, I am sad about the war in Ukraine. I am also sad about the natural disasters that have occured in the USA and the risk for more things occurring in the Central part of the country with it being tornado season. Life is scary!

I am looking for #Happiness and looking for #Comedy . Sometimes we have to seek things on purpose in order for us to experience #Joy .

Lately, I have had a flair up of my bipolar symptoms, and I have not been able to concentrate. However, positive distractions have #helped me to #feelbetter . #BipolarDisorder really sucks sometimes. But the coupling of BP with other issues like #Anxiety are even more struggling. But, I am going to do whatever I can to keep a smile and find #RoomForJoy .

I hope you enjoy the cat genie meme!

#Cats
#LaughOutLoudAid
#ASmileAsBigAsTheMoon
#movingforward
#Livingwithdepression
#livingwithbipolar
#Livingwithanxiety

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Acceptance of your Whole Self 🌺

Acceptance of one’s whole self is seemingly difficult these days. The criticism and scepticism that people face from others on a daily basis is scary, unbelievable and daunting. I think what makes these feelings of judgement and worthlessness worse are the thoughts that we believe them to be true. These self-doubts can become debilitating at times. When these feelings and beliefs arise, I have a look at the passage below. It speaks of acceptance of one’s self. Self acceptance is vital in these times we live in. We rely on it to heal from our past to ensure we understand how to better our actions/ reactions in the future. Be patient in this process and know you are trying your best every day to simply be better than the day before. Accept the good and bad parts of yourself. Never condoning, nor judging, the side that requires the most growth. That’s all you can do. You are worth your own love 🌻🌻🌻

#Acceptance #Selfblame #Selfcare #Selfworth #PersonalGrowth #selfgrowth #loveyourself #patience #Takeyourtime #Positivity #Forgiveness #Healing #loveyourself #growth #freeyourself #Selflove #journey #movingforward #itstime #LetsGo #MentalHealth #Recovery

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Up to this point…

For the last few years, I’ve been grappling with the issue of wanting acknowledgment from my mom’s husband. I’ve had the hardest time not going back to an “empty well” (so to speak) when it comes to this. I even struggle with that when it comes to her. But as of the last few months, in and out of therapy, I’ve been able to get a hold of myself. I had to be very honest with every aspect of myself. From my younger self to my adult self. And the truth is this: I don’t love my step parent and I never did. I went along with all the family stuff because I felt that that was what I was supposed to do. I didn’t talk about my family to anyone in detail because it made me angry. I kept quiet because I was on survival mode both when things were bad and when things were stable. I allowed this “perfect family “ image to last so long because I didn’t want to rock the boat. On top of all of this, I did what I did to keep my mom happy. I had no real identity. I felt restricted, I didn’t even want to invite my friends over (I didn’t really have that option either). After realizing that he is a narcissist, it explained a lot, but it didn’t take away the hurt and frustration. I’ve had three major deaths in my family and he didn’t say a word to me (and we live in the same apartment). In some articles I’ve read about narcissistic step parents, they’ve said that we should show compassion towards them even though they don’t show that they care about us. The truth is, the compassion is no longer in me. I’ve gotten to the point where if I ever got anything out of him, I would no longer want it. I waited this long for some form of a fatherly gesture and I think I can go on without it (from him). I’ve had many stand in male figures in my life that were positive and I welcome those relationships. I’m just over faking it to the rest of the world. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #stepparent #movingforward #Grief

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