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What’s the big deal of not comforting an upset child? #developmentaltraumaneglect #CPTSD #HSP #Hurtstoberejected #Ignored #SufferinginSilence

I never got positive or nurturing attention when I cried, much less a hug from my mother or father. If my crying was acknowledged I definitely learned quickly it was not acceptable. I would get snapped at “to stop crying” be asked in a very annoyed and frustrated tone “what was I crying for! Stop it”. Most of the time I did not know why I was crying. I was always so very aware of and picking up on the negative undercurrents that surrounded our home 24/7. My parents were always unhappy, I always thought they didn’t like each other very much. They would yell and argue all the time, in a very controlled dignified way. They complained about money and how hard it was to support us. My Dad was always mumbling how hard it was for him to have a wife and 4 children. My parents were not very demonstrative and never showed love to us or each other.
My parents were unhappy, miserable actually. If my dad was around when I cried I would get the scary stern look, as if I was supposed to understand what I was doing wrong. My older siblings just started mirroring our parents. I was the annoying little sister who cried way too much and loudly.
My crying only brought annoyance. I was also supposedly really an adept psychological master manipulator only wanting attention. Of course that just cannot be allowed. Heaven forbid the possibility that I could become spoiled and feel entitled to attention. This did not just happen sometimes this happens every time I cried. So at some point before the age10, I finally learned and totally embraced this tough lesson, and that was for me not to cry. That’s not a big deal right. I did stop crying for all those years and up till 49 I did not cry. Recently like a dam has broken with an overwhelming flow of emotions I still rarely cry. The few times I have cried in recent years I still get the exact same response from my family. None of them have changed at all just add a few full on mature narcissists.
The few times friends saw me cry recently, must have shocked them I guess. They made an unfortunate mistake. Told me I shouldn’t cry. I’m stronger than that. I think my friends were so unprepared for my tears they panicked, It makes them so uncomfortable and for some reason have come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t cry around them. They have shut me down the couple times it happened recently while on the phone. They got off the line so fast my head was spinning. I Immediately went to the old rule book and thought oh no I forgot I’m not supposed to cry,
My therapist is telling me I’m essentially starting to grieve and cry for that little girl who was so severely emotionally abused. I’m still kind of reeling from that long overdue validation. I thought I was joking before when I said “I wasn’t hugged enough as a child. So what? What’s the big deal? I just happened to get the tough love lesson that was supposed to make me a strong and self sufficient adult. I’m learning to cry again. It’s so much harder now then at age 5. #Grief


Everytime I have a convo w/my fam about my MH it backfires #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CheckInWithMe #mentalhealthmatters #Neverreallyalone #Deniedsupport #Hurtstoberejected

When you need support from your family, but all you get is a cold answer in return. 😑😑😑 All I mentioned was how I’m looking for more effective treatments for my #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder because I’ve been taking medicines for as long as I can remember and my current therapy hasn’t been enough to give me relief.

And I asked if she’d be willing to go to an event that would mean a lot to me: the 26th Annual OCD convention being held in Austin, Texas. I tried to explain to my grandma what it’s about, (my family knows I have OCD but don’t think it’s that bad, but I’ve suffered in silence for such a long time.)

I tried to convince her that my mental health is getting worse because of this disorder. I told her I need extra help, and would really want her to go with me. Basically she didn’t take me seriously. She was against the idea from the get go and then completely cut me off. So I said Why won’t you just consider it??? It’s not like I expect a magical cure, but There are no doctors here where we live that primarily treats .

Well, I got angry afterwards because she wasn’t even willing to hear any more, and I said so that’s it? You’re not even willing to think more about it? No support? And she repeated “No support” as she shook her head. “You can go” I got livid, and knocked over a chair. “No ones willing to help me!” Now she’s upset with me. I know I didn’t act as effective as I should have, but they shut me out. So I’m on my own, as I already expected, but I’d hoped I’d have someone in my family on board. Wishful thinking. 🙄 I should have known better, because my family hasn’t tried to even understand my conditions, only in an invalidating manner.

Well, I wonder if the conversation would have gone different if I had said—What if I had a bad cold that turned into a bad infection, I’d go to the right specialist to treat that infection, as it could be a chronic illness like pneumonia. Well?!?! It’s like that with my , it’s an actual clinical condition that requires specialized treatment. As with any chronic condition, you go to the qualified physician, and there’d be no question going to get treatment either! So mental health shouldn’t be treated any different! 😫

This convention is held only once a year and is actually being held pretty close to where I live in NM. It’ll be an amazing opportunity, to get personal with those who specialize and treat this misunderstood disorder. There will be workshops to take part in, and advocates who will share their personal experiences. It’ll be like a gold mine for information AND treatment resources all in one place! I feel it’ll be exactly what I need to take steps towards better understanding of my own experience with as well as hands on support from the best treating doctors available right now. I hope I can still make it, even with no one around to support me. But I gotta do this for my own well-being, whether anyone approves of it or not. At the end of the day, I gotta choose what’s best for me.