Idontknowwhattodoanymore

Everybody complains when I talk about how I feel and want to die or anything like that...they call me selfish for not considering them and rude...even saying bringing it up is manipulation..

But I get these strong feelings and I can't talk to anyone about them..my friends..my significant other..my parent..and I don't have any help at all

I just want to express my feelings and understand them better, I wanna die but I don't wanna die, you know? And it hurts so much when I realize that I'm feeling like this and then I can't talk to anyone about it because it makes me a bad person..I'm so sad and lonely and it hurts me even more to not be able to talk..

I just don't know what to do anymore, for the first time in a while I feel very scared of my own ideations and realizing that my plan becomes more and more concrete everytime this happens..I want help, I want to be able to talk about how I feel without hurting or invalidating others.. I want to be able to express the pain I feel inside and better understand...

I try, but it just gets worse everytime I talk about my suicide thoughts or ideas ..or I make them feel bad or I don't know. This is really hard and I don't know what to do honestly...because instead of talking about my feelings and crying it out I guess I accept my eventual fate and juste find the best ways to end it... Not being able to get help or be supported when I feel like this feels even shitier ..

I don't know if anyone is gonna read this or let alone understand..

#SuicidalThoughts #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #plan #imdone #Idontknowwhattodoanymore

I was crying typing this because I'm so down I haven't sleep well last night because I'm over thinking again. This is my problem when I'm in a relationship and when I'm inlove. At first we have a peaceful relationship but after months of being with him it feels like I'm dying. It started when he fell asleep without texting Goodnight but he woke up 11pm but he didn't open his messenger app but opened his Instagram account instead liking Sexy pictures of girls and I saw it. It triggers my anxiety since then I can't control myself anymore. I keep pushing him away but he said he wants to be with me but I keep doubting his words because he seems cold to me. Yesterday when I got angry because he turned off his Active Status in Messenger he called me and I don't want to talk to him and I said he'll get tired of me soon because I'm so toxic. He said no he'll never leave me and he will call me before he sleeps but he didn't call me. He sleeps again without saying anything. Is he already tired of me? I really wanted to be free from this. I'm so tired of myself. It's all my fault. I want a happy life but I can't. #help #

They don’t know. They don’t know how bad I hate myself. They don’t know how mad I get at myself every time I fuck things up. Even when is not my fault I feel like it is. And even then I’m hard on myself too for letting it happen. I hate myself. I just want to die. I don’t want to hurt anybody. I just want this feeling to stop.

So a few weeks back I was at a party.
I was very intoxicated, smoked a lot of weed and drunk a bit too much. I slept with this guy who I didn’t know was in love with me but I had and have no feelings towards him at all. I was so out of it to the point I just laid on my back and let him do what he wanted. I couldn’t even say no, I went into shock I think. My memory is terrible as it is but when it comes to trauma’s I completely shut down. He’s a nice guy and he had no intention of hurting me but I gave no consent and had no control. Was I raped?

I was just doubting myself because I know rape isn’t a word that should be used lightly but one of my ‘friends’ was saying how I shouldn’t have put myself in that situation in the first place and such

My friends also don’t think that I should make such a big deal about it and not call it rape for it might ‘ruin the guys life’.
So am I supposed to leave it and let it ruin mine?
#Idontknowwhattodoanymore