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A rough month
#Suicide my son took his life at the age of 27. This year sees us reaching double figures as it is now 10 years since he physically left my side. Time hasn't made it #easier , it is no easier today than it was 10 years ago. Time hasn't made it #better. #itdoesn 'tgetbetter. He took his life on May 1st but wasn't found until the 11th. I was never able to view him, I took a photograph in for them to check it really was him!
This year, on the 11th, I had to have a small hospital procedure. I could have postponed it but it would have been another 2 months or so, my head was saying no get it done now less to worry about. I have always known what he did, which I don't like to talk about, but I think all of these years I hadn't though of the process he had gone through. During the procedure at the hospital I was #triggered and just lost it. I had already told the nurse that it was his anniversary so to expect some tears, but this was that #heartbreak all over again. I had just realised exactly what he had gone through to complete his #Suicide. I knew it was never an accident but this reaffirmed it. OMG he did all of this and not once did anything come into his head to say hey hang on a minute. The whole procedure would have taken him a good 20-30 minutes before he #lost consciousness.
Since then my #Anxiety and #Depression save become a lot worse. #Isolation should be my ideal world but I don't think it's helping, I can't go out when I feel I need the space to scream and shout, it's usually the beach and the sea.
One thing the does help is that I know #imnotalone. Take care and stay safe Sx
