I just installed a new home security system. I'm trying it out. I just tested the "PANIC" button I placed in my bedroom, the alarm sounded, I entered my code, and once the system was disarmed, "Everything is OK" showed up on my phone screen.
I had no idea how not okay I was until I read those words, and immediately burst into tears. Because everything is NOT okay. I am not okay.
This summer, in June, I started working in the film industry. The job more or less fell into my lap. I've tried to explain to people what it's been like- it's been one of the most incredible experiences I've ever had. And it's also been like a tornado 🌪 . Everything has been going SOOOO fast. I've worked on 9 movies/TV shows in 2 months. It's been insane. I haven't been able to find a balance- everything is racing and NOW! NOW! NOW! I've been driving all over the state and my average work day has been 13 hours (try filming a western, in the actual desert, for 4 days in a row and it takes an hour and a half to get there and you have to be there by 5:30am and you spend maybe 9 or 10 FULL hours in the 100° sun then have to drive 1.5 hours home in pitch black and turn around and do it again a few hours later) and even though I've been enjoying it, I've been under an indescribable amount of pressure. It's a high pressure industry. When I'm on set I'm having a blast, and it's not until I get home that I realize: HOLY SH*T. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED. It's been more than overwhelming. Like, I'm having a hard time keeping up with... myself. Almost like a manic episode.
I live with #Depression #Bipolar2Disorder #CPTSD #Anxiety disorder and #PMDD , to name a few mental health issues. I haven't had time to feel any of this. I've started burning out a bit, so I'm working less, and it's all catching up to me.
This past week has been particularly difficult- friendship stuff, I had to rehome my dog, get my car fixed, file a grievance with a hospital, health issues, among other things. I've been feeling increasingly unsafe- the crime rate is rising where I live, and it was already extremely high. I can't put my finger on why I feel more unsafe. I chalked it up to my possibly feeling more vulnerable, but I talked to my neighbor and he said he's been feeling the same way.
I'm planning on moving to another part of town, but I can't right at this moment, so I got this security system in the interim.
I can feel the #Depression rolling in like a dark cloud. I can feel myself seizing up with #Anxiety . I've started having #Nightmares again. Started experiencing emotional #Flashbacks again. I feel #triggered most of the time. I don't believe these things ever went away, I think there was just so much going on I wasn't consciously aware of them. I have to be honest and say I knew this would happen. I knew that feeling "happy" like I was was an illusion, and my glass castle would come crashing down.
So, I tested my panic button. And I'm now keenly aware:
Everything is NOT OK.