infant loss

This is the meme I woke up to, the first thing I saw in my social media feed. I did not receive a trigger warning for this meme. How very meta. We are used to memes filling our social media fees. Sometimes they are jokes that make you double over with laughter at their biting observational wit. Oftentimes they are platitudes that sound fresh out of a greeting card. Do I share memes on the regular? Absolutely! Do I have an app on phone to make memes? I do! Especially in October, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

In October, my feeds fill up with memes with gut-punching feelings and facts about the month of awareness, about every aspect of losing a baby. I work hard on awareness during this month, helping to illuminate global landmarks pink and blue, shining our baby lights all over the world on October 15th. I stop often for self-care breaks that can include tears. I am usually steeled against the bulk of the impact of the deep, painful truths filling my social media. But I have seen these memes before, each year. Until this morning.

In October, the memes become more than trite cliches with pretty backgrounds. Their truths are triggering, hard to shake from your heart and your head and your gut, triggering truths without warning, pulling the trigger of the shot through your soul. Taking you to the truth of the matter, the base black bottom where your baby died.

This is where you feel so completely alone. It takes you back into that black hole where postpartum depression tried to swallow you whole. Above you is a light, so high above you, hands reaching down to hold you, to help pull you up because you are not alone. Others know your pain. You can clasp their hands as you climb and claw and crawl out of the dark. Discover yourself in a warm, loving crowd of families who also live in some shade of grief. Take their hands, hold their hearts: you are all in this together.

No matter how many times the triggering memory of the stark words of that meme ran through my head today – “my baby died.” My baby died. My babies died. - I reminded myself that it is okay to cry. Breathe deeply. Make tea. Have a snack. Paint your nails. Talk to friends. Do something today to help other parents who have lost babies. Celebrate the new memories we made with our babies this year. Start making plans for next October.

Do not give up.

Do not give up.

Your baby loves you.

Your babies love you.

That is a love that never dies.

That is a love that triggers life to action.

We have light to shine into the darkness for ourselves, for our children, for everyone still lost.

#PostpartumDepression #babyloss #InfantLoss #Miscarriage #SIDS #Stillbirth #medicalnecessity #PregnancyLoss #pregnancylossawareness #infantlossawareness #blaw2021 #WaveofLight #Loneliness

#Miscarriage #Stillbirth #InfantLoss #ChildLoss

Malia Nayeli is my babies name she was born 29 weeks old
I wish I fought harder to keep her with me but I trusted the doctors instead they had to put her on oxygen and an incubator to transport her to another hospital I got to see her before she left, they told me the machine she’s on has problems running but they apparently fixed it
Malia apparently had #HydropsFetalis (I don’t know for sure because till this day no one has told me what happen) and they needed to take her to the children’s hospital to drain the fluid I didn’t know that would be the last time I’ll see my baby alive they called me 2-3 hours later saying she passed and that’s all, it’s been a week and I haven’t heard a word from the doctors they never told us what happened to her just that she passed
Almost a month pior at our checkup they claimed somthing was wrong but sent me home anyways .we saw a specialist almost 2 weeks ago and they told me there was little to no fluid in my placenta and sent me home
My whole pregnancy up until mid to late 2nd trimester I was sick and fainted 4 different times (yes I told my OB) but my baby was strong she passed every test she moved a lot and I listened to her heartbeat everyday
I’m losing my mind I don’t know what to do I can’t even scream because I had a c section I can’t describe this pain I just want her back #InfantLoss #Miscarriage

I didn’t know drowning was the leading cause of death in children ages 1-4, I didn’t know a child can drown in 30 seconds, I didn’t know Colt would lose his life to an accident that could have been prevented, I didn’t know how serious drowning was, I didn’t know I would never see him again. I didn’t know... Never in a million years would I have thought I would have a foundation in honor of Colt Walker Catalina, but this is what I was called to do. Save lives and speak up about this silent, daily disaster that takes the lives of so many children ever year. What I do know now is I fight so hard to prevent another family from having to go through the living nightmare Colt’s family has endured. Keep your child safer in and around water with these layers of protection. Supervision, pool fences, pool alarms, window and door alarms, CPR, survival swim lessons and not use flotation devices. Enroll your child in survival swim lessons today and give them the skills they need to save themselves in the event of an aquatic emergency. Don’t let your child become another sobering statistic. Do it for Colt and be a voice for him. He will always be my WHY. #ChildLoss #InfantLoss #Parenting #Grief #coltcatalinafoundation #drowningprevention #TheMighty

All it takes is 30 seconds for a child to drown. 30 seconds for a child’s life to be taken away. 30 seconds for a family’s life to be changed forever. Just 30 seconds. Not enough time to check a text, get a snack or go to the bathroom. It happens in a blink of an eye. Keep an eye on your child at all times, install a pool fence, window/door alarms, pool alarms and most importantly put your child in survival swim lessons. Because those 30 seconds count and you can’t get them back. Your child is worth it. Don’t let them become another sobering statistic. Drowning is the number one cause of death in children ages 1-4. Not second, not third, but NUMBER ONE. Drowning is an unrecognized, silent, daily disaster that claims the lives of thousands of children every year. Are you taking the necessary steps to prevent drownings? Drowning is 100% preventable! #ChildLoss #InfantLoss #Grief #Parenting #drowningprevention #coltcatalinafoundation #TheMighty

Today would have been my daughter's 16th birthday. She was born at 20 weeks & only lived 5 1/2 hours. I'm really struggling with it today.

There is a pressure these people put on others to hurry up and be over whatever they may be grieving and yet they themselves know what grief feels like. My grief today isn’t as raw as it was in those first few days, months and early years after I lost my daughter and was diagnosed but it’s definitely still here. I have learned, not even to cope, but to weave that grief into my every day life. I typically can keep all these emotions in check the other 11 months out of the year; but, for this one month, every year, unchecked feelings and tears still flow. I can’t help but relive these moments because they are literally, scientifically and unequivocally engrained into my very being. No amount of coping, therapy or ‘getting over it’ will stop it from existing in my life. It is a part of me. And the funny part is that you are the same way- maybe you grieve over the loss of a loved one, an accident, an illness, a surgery or a life altering event. And maybe every year around the time of this occurrence, you remember back, and your heart is sad or secret tears stream down your face. This grief is also now apart of you. #Grief #InfantLoss #MetastaticBreastCancer