This upcoming week has me thinking: Will I slack off on what I told myself I would get done? Probably. It doesn’t seem to get done, my laundry, my homework for therapy, wishing my room was clean for the 500th time before I actually get started ideas to DO something worthwhile just seem out of touch and out of reach right now. Somehow I can’t get in the right mode to fend off the apathy and lack of motivation I’ve been feeling day to day. And I’m on an anti-depressant. I guess I sound like I’m more depressed than what I thought I was. Really, again? I knew this was going to happen. What else is new? I’ve relapsed so many times to count.

3 days of out of the week I’m part of a therapy IOP program. But I can’t say I see myself going all in—I’m supposed to see myself improving by now. I think I’m just passing myself off as helpless... and I hate that I have the victim mentality. I want to start treating myself better instead of ignoring my emotions and expecting someone else to “fix me”.

I’m smack dab in the middle of a war within myself. I want to make better choices that show I’m completely competent to take care of myself, yet all I want is someone else to take care of me. It’s debilitating to feel like the person you are is dysfunctional and un-fixable.

So, this week I’m probably going to be stuck in my head, feeling distant from my actual wants and needs, and I don’t know how to put up with my deteriorating relationship with myself and others.

Is this all I’m planning? No I have to make a schedule in therapy... but it’s just talk, they slip on by because I don’t know how to give myself credit for anything. I know this is discounting the positive—a cognitive distortion.

How do you re-discover ZEST FOR LIFE??? I just am looking for something I haven’t found yet. Loneliness doesn’t help. What cures your loneliness....anyone out there???

#Depression #CheckInWithMe #Lonliness #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Latenightowl #sundayscaries #therapythoughts