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My mom kinda sucks but I struggle to articulate why.

Please read through this whole thing before you comment. (TW my mom medically abused me when I was a kid) It takes me a while to get my point across.

I don’t even know where to begin with my mom, things have escalated so terribly over the last few years, but what’s been bothering me today is that our cat apparently tried to scratch and bite her this morning and I wanted to call the vet to get their advice but my mom said, “if you call, you’re gonna get told something you don’t want to hear” and then continued to say that if we took her to the vet we should be prepared that they will want to put her down.

Our cat hasn’t hurt anyone before. The only person she’s been aggressive to recently is my mom, and that’s a RECENT development. My mom’s been obsessed with fighting our cat for dominance recently (“she needs to learn that this is MY house!”) which I think might’ve prompted the aggression. Cats are always gonna think they rule the house, that doesn’t make it true, and it doesn’t mean you should get on their level and fight it out!!!

It’s just stressing me out that she’s jumping to the worst case scenario and scaring us with it. It doesn’t make much sense that a vet would look to putting our cat down as the first option. But she’s always done this to me, like when I was little I would tell her I was hurting and she would threaten me that if we went to the doctor they would do something to me that I was scared of, like give me a shot or a blood test.

Now I’m old enough to know she was trying to scare me into not wanting to go to the doctor for reasons that are still unclear to me. (other than that she doesn’t believe in taking modern medicine or going to doctors). She worked so hard to keep me afraid of modern doctors, even though it was the alternative ones that hurt me the most ): I think moms are supposed to help you feel better, not intimidate you into not asking for help so you suffer in silence. I remember a whole summer of being in intense pain, and my mom would just tell me to put more essential oils on and take more probiotics. She should’ve taken me to a doctor, a real one. I hurt so bad I sat in my folding chair outside and couldn’t move.

This whole thing with our cat is just very stressful for me, so I decided to write about it here bc this is what a crisis counselor told me I might want to do so I can maybe have some support when things like this happen.

I just wish I had a mom who wanted to make her kids feel better instead of a mom who, for whatever reason, wants her kids to think that if we take our cat to the vet they will tell us to put her down. If that was even the case, why would she worry us with it? We all have intense stress and anxiety (including complex ptsd at the hands of her and my dad) and this is hitting us hard. I did call the vet and they said to bring her in for a check-up, so that’s obviously the first step! Why in the world would the first step be to put her down? And why in the world would she want to convince us of that before we even knew for sure?

I’m just really tired. I think I just need some comfort right now or something. She does and says so many weird and terrible things to me and my siblings. There is too much to tell.

#Abuse #medicalabuse

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Back in Hospital Again 🏥 🤕

Today, I just went to the doctor 👩‍⚕️ for GI issues, and all of a sudden started having a seizure. I have non-epileptic seizures triggered by anxiety and had a ptsd flashback in the doctor’s office which set of this whole shit 💩 storm. You see - I was abused in the medical setting - physically, verbally, and emotionally. I was gaslit and told I was faking and needed to snap out of it. FYI it’s pretty hard to fake a seizure. Now I’m losing all my body functions again - can’t walk, can’t talk, can’t even pee on my own. I feel so incredibly hopeless and depressed that I’m going through this all over again. Just when I start seeing a glimmer of hope that I’m improving and getting better this happens. I just want to get better more than ever!!! I’m only 23 - young with lots of hopes and dreams and my whole life ahead of me. I don’t want to be stuck in a wheelchair with a catheter needing help doing everything, when I was just started to gain more independence and get my life back. I’m trying to stay strong, but I just really need some words of encouragement and hope from anyone whose experienced something similar. If any of you are out there I could reach out I’d really appreciate it 💞 #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder #InterstitialCystitis #Gastroparesis #PsychogenicNonepilepticSeizures #PTSD #medicalabuse

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I get upset thinking about how my mom and psychiatrist drugged me my entire childhood

I developed PANDAS at the age of 5 but didn’t get diagnosed until my early teen years. So my entire childhood I was treated as a medical guinea pig because my psychiatrist had no idea what to do with me. I was put on and off medications within short amounts of time, I was taking large amounts of meds, and was put on meds like mood stabilizers and antipsychotics for an ocd, tic, and anxiety diagnosis. Even after my PANDAS dx, I still was forced onto these drugs because my mom gave up after 2 attempts of treating PANDAS and wanted me on these meds because she wanted my behavior to be up to her standards (which was not why I was taking them).

Today, I still have PANDAS and most likely irreparable damage done by this medical abuse. I shouldn’t have been on any medications. Period. I don’t have “traditional” ocd and tics. Mine was caused by my immune system attaching my brain. That’s why the medications never worked. On top of that, no child should be put on medications as severe as mood stabilizers or antipsychotics. Especially a child without a mood or psychotic disorder.

Rant over lol. Fuck doctors.

#PANDAS #OCD #tics #Tourettes #TouretteSyndrome #autoimmune #PTSD #CPTSD #MedicalTrauma #medicalabuse #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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It was a rainy day yesterday. Today I feel much better after having a lot of fresh air and sunshine



Covering Up Malpractice #malpratice #medical abuse

With this; with doctors only willing to treat the symptoms, they will be creating a new problem. With my situation, I am 100% handicapped.
If they can be seen as saving me because my situation becomes critical, then it becomes a new problem. It's possible that doctors choose to let some people suffer because of a previous medical opinion by another doctor. Misdiagnosis could be claimed if the 2nd opinion states that the first opinion missed it. #malpratice #medical #medicalabuse #misseddiagnosis #missed -diagnosis


Apparently asking for help is manipulative

I’m not ashamed to ask for help. I’m easily able to recognise when I need help. However, after being told by healthcare professionals that I was an undeserving waste of time and resources and was taking time and resources away from those who deserve help, I won’t ask for help. That was 18 years ago. Apparently if you know what you need and verbalise it, that is manipulative. It means you are saying you won’t do something unless “xyz” happens. I was attention seeking by saying how and what I felt and thought. They said that I didn’t really think and feel those things, I just wanted other people to believe that I did. I was raised in an abusive home. I was use to it, I expected it, it was my normal. At the age of 20 when I first spoke up, it never even crossed my mind that the abuse would continue at the hands of other people, especially people who were supposed to care and help. I was still being abused at the age of 20 when I first spoke up, but speaking up was blaming other people for my problems. I never thought that recovering from mental illness would be easier than recovering from the “treatment” that I received. I still to this day do not understand why that happened. I know myself and trust myself so I work through hard times on my own. I don’t talk much anymore. I’m silent most of the time. I know that I wouldn’t survive that kind of “treatment” again. I spend a lot of time loathing myself for not taking my life back then when it first began so that I never had to go through that medical abuse, so that I didn’t have to live with the memories of what I went through. I cannot separate that from myself and it is torture re living that every day. #Depression #medicalabuse #ChildAbuse #PTSD