child abuse

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Fear #SuicidalIdeation #PTSD #Religious Trauma #spiritualabuse #ChildAbuse #DysfunctionalFamily #Relationships #Anxiety

I don’t think anyone understands the magnitude of fear I have towards my mother. When my dad died, I wanted to go with him, because I felt like I had nobody to protect me from my mother! I had to be hospitalized for suicidal ideation. I’m really shook up from yesterday’s phone call, prior to that I felt empowered because I had finally put up a fortress in my mind to protect myself from her by blocking her number. I am now afraid to block her new number before I leave because, I don’t know what might happen if I do between now and when I move. I still have a few months before I can move. She is one of the main reasons I’m leaving, to leave the abuse behind. I’ve experienced so much trauma in this state. I see my mother every where, she’s in every woman, she’s every bully I’ve ever encountered. She is the reason I had no boundaries, struggle with self advocacy, and everything else a programmed codependent child is robbed of. Essentially, she set me up to be a perpetual victim of abuse. I now feel like a spineless, coward who betrayed myself, and feel like I’ve been knocked back down to sit at her feet, where she can continue to control me. She believes she is god’s special prophet and everyone else is subservient to her, except my younger brother (who will rule over and judge the world someday) and anyone else she likes. Everyone else is her and his servant. I literally mean this. This is the cult I grew up in.

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#Spiritual abuse #Religious Trauma #ChildAbuse #PTSD #cultsurvivor

I struggle with shaking the feeling that I am evil. My whole life I was told that I was bad, evil, crazy, demonic, possessed, seductive, a liar, a dirty girl/woman, gold digger and I was going to hell.

(I will not argue with anyone in self defense of these accusations, if you believe I deserved/deserve this abuse because of something I did, said, or wore; you are part of that dysfunctional system.)

These are things my parents told me from childhood. My spouses, society, the church, and my siblings have either explicitly or implicitly said these things to me and have influenced my children. It was so bad that I even agreed and had a psychotic episode where I believed I was possessed. Several times I tried to get accepted by my parents, by confessing my sins and admitting to demonic influence they tried to exorcise demons out of me, but I was still an evil old devil who couldn’t be saved on my own, no matter how much I believed or how devoted I was, or how much work or preaching I did myself I was still the evil one. I was outcast and rejected by my family, community and the church. I have severe psychological damage due to this abuse. I have no family, not even my children. I have no community because I’m an outcast and even though I moved and lived in a new town, I can not make friends, because it’s the same religious dogma. I will never be good enough for the church or their deity. I used to care about being accepted by them. Now, I am grateful I am no longer involved in that cult. I am free, yet I am sensitive to being judged as evil, or bad, or a sinner. I don’t even believe in evil as a cosmic moral concept. There is no battle of good and evil. Just some seriously disturbed human beings persecuting other humans in the name of their beliefs and religious values, believing they are doing good. I am grieved though, for the life that was stolen from, the loss of my children and never having a loving family and lack of support and the lack of self esteem and fear of rejection I was left with. So, after 40 years of suffering I became an atheist, then a pagan. I don’t need to be saved and I don’t want to hear about the J man and I don’t need any thoughts and prayers. Empathy, accountability, responsibility and respect of my humanity and boundaries is a good start. That’s what everyone wants, needs, and deserves. Empathy is my religion and love is my passion.

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Progress, not perfection #ACA #ChildAbuse #Jewish #Zen #Anxiety #AspergersSyndrome #MajorDepression #anhedonia

I have worked very hard on myself to make myself functional again. I'm now able to sustain a couple long-term friendships, and even interact with others occasionally. However, things like silence, vague answers, and people leaving (anywhere) suddenly, still throw me in a tailspin. The same with gaslighting, manipulation, and twisting my words. I don't know how to react better to these situations, so I try to separate my part from their part on whether it's my fault or not. Then I remind myself of how far I've come and what I've accomplished. Progress, not perfection.

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Child hood trauma

When you are a child you dont know who to trust, you dont know how to trust. You dont know until you get betrayed. Once your betrayed as a child you lack all feeling of trust. Trusting becomes so hard, you become numb inside. You grow into a adolescent that wants resentment but cant find it. Everyday i wake up, and wonder why did i live this long. Too many times i could die yet i am still here suffering in my mind. why? The way i feel is i am lost what to do. Where to go. Where to start. Therapy is neglected, EDMR is not based in my city. They say i need it, I say maybe just maybe if someone cared to listen. Maybe the trauma from than to now would cause a peace inside me from letting it out? maybe!#ChildAbuse #Rape #MentalHealth

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Book Bans

Yes! This cartoon came from the Instagram site of Viola Davis♥️It’s pertainient to what’s going on in our society today. I like the way it’s stated, and so I decided to share it in #TheMighty #Book #Bookbans #Abuse #Children #Pre -teens #teens #ChildAbuse #Protect #EDUCATE #PTSD

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See Something/Say Something - be there for the children

You know, so often the abused are not even aware of the abuse as it’s happening and only years later, after learning that it was in fact not normal, do they realize how wrong it was.

Abusers condition their victims to accept that what’s happening to them is normal, that it is how everyone gets treated, and that it’s their fault, eliciting feelings of guilt and shame, effectively preventing the abused from speaking out.

People justify abuse by saying, “well it could’ve been worse,” “it wasn’t as bad as you’re saying,” “you’re being dramatic,” or my favorite, “you’re just trying to cause problems” when you were actually just trying to tell someone. I’ve been told I’m crazy, I’m a drama queen, I’m melodramatic, I’m an instigator, and on and on. I told my family about the abuse and those were the responses I got.

Yes it could’ve been worse. Yes others have gone through similar things. No I’m not the only one. Maybe some of it I did deserve. But that doesn’t excuse it.

It was abuse of power, trust, and love. Children are to be cared for, protected, nurtured, and loved. Not beat, insulted, gaslit, ignored, blamed, verbally abused, and emotionally neglected. If you cannot trust those put in your life to protect you, how can you trust others?

I have worked very hard, for many years to heal from the way I was raised. I have made it my goal in life to not allow others to feel the same ways I was made to feel. That is all after the fact. What is needed is intervention and protection before healing is necessary.

If you see something, say something. If you’re told something in confidence, help.

Children need to know that not all adults are going to hurt them. They are our future and broken children create broken adults, which in turn creates a broken society. Break the cycle.

#Abuse #mentalwellness
#Breakthecycle #Trauma #Childhoodtrauma #traumasurvivor #MentalHealth #Healing #ChildAbuse #Gaslighting

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Undiagnosed (C)PTSD

How is this possible??!! I watched Peter Cottontail and when the farmer chases the bunny my chest tightens, I can't breath, the panic grasps me and I begin to cry hysterically. Yet I can't get a Mental Health professional to diagnose me with PTSD let alone C-PTSD. It is the very organization of Mental Health that is driving me to a mental breakdown and insanity. When is it ok for the 'professionals' to become our abusers, tormentors and creators of immense trauma? Am I the only one that feels this is wrong on every level!!?? How is it that it is the very Mental Health system is 'allowed' to do this to innocent victims just looking for help to ease their pains? #CPTSD #MentalHealth #Undiagnosed #insanity #despondant #Trauma #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #DomesticAbuse #ChildAbuse #ChildhoodAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #SexualAbuseSurvivors #I may look alive #Broken

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Feeling bad about my life today

Feeling exhausted with the struggle today - seems not matter how hard I fight I get no where and it’s tearing me apart.

I am an academic person . But the long lasting effects of child abuse the impact is so long reaching, the neglect of never having had a person support me through school and decision making for my future. The issue of the ptsd flashbacks that happened when my abuser tried to hunt me down in my undergrad. The way that left me. I hate it. I hate how far behind I am in life and I am filled with this toxic venomous seething rage . I am so angry. I want to destroy things I want to cry I want to starve myself I want to scream. It isn’t fair. The world isn’t fair. But they fucked up my future and I have been struggling and fighting for so long. So long. So long. To try and get somewhere trying to fix things to save money to develop a life. And I’m still broke, I’m still not working in anything meaningful and I am tired. My soul is tired. I never got any support because I could still put myself through school (at 85lbs fasting for weeks, having flashbacks and cutting) I still worked and so if you can mask your pain enough not to be a problem to society then it’s acceptable to just let you suffer. I have so much rage and I feel so powerless. #rant #Vent #realisationofimpact #failure #ChildAbuse

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Secrets

I want to confront a few of the narcissist that have thought I kept their secrets out of them being better than me. I kept the secrets to protect others who could not deal hearing the truth. I don’t want an apology and I’m not wanting to do this to cause any troubles. I don’t know if I can let move on from the trauma if I don’t say my peace. I have taken the time to seek out and participate in long term mental health therapies. I put in the work to love myself again. I know that there will be deflecting and I will be ok with it all. I just want to say what has been on my heart so that I can move on. I guess I’m asking for a second opinion if it’s a good idea or am I just being triggered not thinking clearly. Thanks #CPTSD #PTSD #Anxiety #SexualTrauma #ChildAbuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #SexualAbuseSurvivors

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