Memyselfandi

I don’t know why it happens to me that I feel that I am not me and that I’m pretending to be “me” or I’m taking instructions from a “me” to be more “me” than I am. This sounds crazy but I want to be “me” without feeling I’m
Not good enough to be me #notgood #Impostorsyndrome #Memyselfandi

(This is through personal experience and I am hoping it helps someone reading it.)

Last year, I watched as my best friend left me for the guy that they wanted. I watched as my mom got angry because my anxiety latches on to everything it can get it's claws on, unlike hers where she is scared to be social and driving on crowded highways.

They were the only ones that I trusted to talk about my mental health, but now I know that I cannot depend on them.

Yes, it is painful- watching those you have once counted on walk away and close the door. You suddenly become aware of who has your best interest at heart.

At first, I didn't see anyone. I was standing alone in the cold, screaming for someone to come find me. I kept walking in this freezing abyss until I somehow I found my answer.

While I was alone in this abyss, I wasn't completely. Beyond the blizzard was a mirror that had been frozen over with the cold. I placed my hand on the freezing ice, and it immediately melted away, a pink aura surrounding my hand and warmth shooting through me and outwards.

Soon, I was standing in a pure wgite light. The only company I had was the mirror in front of me. I stared at my reflection for the longest time before I realized that I wasn't actually alone. I had myself. I was the one that kept my best interests at heart, the one to pick myself up and put me back together, the one that saw the world how I saw it.

Yes, anxiety was there too. I could see it reflect in my eyes, just like pain was. But in some way, he wasn't trying to hurt me. He was showing me the truth. He made me realize that those who said were there for me... Weren't actually there. And that was okay because the only one I TRULY needed to take care of was myself (and my cat).

Being alone was scary at first. I was fearful that I wasn't strong enough to carry myself, that I wasn't going to be able to do it on my own, but I was surprised by my own strength.

I made decisions for myself that I wouldn't have before because I was listening and comparing to those around me. I sat down with myself and asked the hard questions because I couldn't ask anyone else-nor did they want to be asked. And that was fine because I got to know ME.

And if people don't understand where I am coming from or choose not to listen. That is on them, not on me. If they didn't want to get to know me, it is their loss not mine

I still have a long way to go but, I am who I am, I know what I want, and I'm okay with being alone with myself.

Because at the end of the day, I am the one looking after me.

And I am no longer going to let anyone tell me who to be or how to feel. #MentalHealth #Disability #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Anxiety #PersonalGrowth #Memyselfandi