Mentallyandphysicallyexhausted

Trying to keep up with life. My emotions. My physical and mental changes with whatever this condition is- yes, I’m still undiagnosed- has been nothing short of a roller coaster. Not to mention the social changes we’re all experiencing. Covid - 19 has nothing on what I’ve been enduring over the last year, maybe more. While it’s an awful time for anyone to be dealing with any type of physical or mental illness, our ability to keep moving forward and our ability to continue to believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel are important. We’re stronger than this. I saw this image online earlier and remembered something I told myself when I first started experiencing these physical problems: don’t lose yourself. this isn’t you. However, have I lost my mind? Most days I feel like it since the new changes tend to be a little bit humiliating and quite literally frustrating. I still find ways to point out a silver lining or laugh about it, even right before or after my mental break downs. This is of course very serious because it’s my health, and I understand that.. but it’s exhausting to allow it to take over, which is why we have to remind ourselves we are still here. Even though we’re tired and tired of hurting. We’re still here, and we’re blessed to be here.

To say it’s been a bad week would be the understatement of the year... it’s been over a year since my non-epileptic seizures started, and today I nearly ended it all. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m depressed. And I hurt deep into my bones. Yesterday, I had three really bad seizures - so I woke up already exhausted. I had a mild seizure today, and then accidentally knocked over one of my Mom’s Christmas decorations. It was the last straw. Emotion surged and tears filled my eyes.

I hate this so much. I hate the vulnerability. I hate the confusion. I hate the helplessness. And I hate having to rely on everyone for my wellbeing. I hate being stuck in this seemingly hopeless situation. I hate feeling like I can’t cry in front anyone, because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m weak and incapable of handling it.

After my parents helped me downstairs to my room, I cried into my pillow to muffle the noise. I didn’t want to cry in front of them. I didn’t want to try to explain. I didn’t want to hear platitudes. I didn’t want anyone to touch me, even in a well-meaning hug. I feel like one more thing is going to crack me wide open, and something bad is going to happen. Tonight, my parents are going to my brother-in-law’s hockey game and I’m staying home. The way I feel right now, being around other people wouldn’t be a good thing. I know bad days happen. I know some days I wanna jump off a cliff. Some days are simply place holders - to be ignored and done with as soon as possible. And I know not every day is horrible. But right now, I’m having a bad day. #BadDay #Mentallyandphysicallyexhausted #anger #Depression #ihatethis #imtryingmybest

This week has been an endless nightmare, so much has happened and I am not gonna tell myself I am strong enough to handle it all because I dont feel like I am. Someone very young was taken from my home and sent to live with another family because of the wishes from his birth mother. That broke my heart into a million pieces. Then the day after my family got into a car accident. I wish I was with them but something begged me to stay home. No one got extremely injured besides a severe concussion and some bruising. Seat belts save lives, if it wasnt for seat belts I wouldve lost everyone in my family....I nearly lost them. And ontop of that I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He was looking at girls skinner, younger, more built than me. Better built I should say. Short, skinny, beautiful, thin girls. He pretended to be younger than his age so he can have a chance with these girls.....get this I stayed with him 3 years in and I keep getting hurt but I dont wanna leave. I dont know who or what I will become without him. I have a fear of being alone. I have a fear of myself for the most part. Ever since I caught him cheating, I havent been able to look at myself. I look into the mirror and just see an empty soul staring back at me. A shallow, hallow lifeless body standing infront of me. I use to be able to take mirror selfies but I dont even feel comfortable doing that anymore. I don’t feel good in my own skin and no matter how many times he calls me beautiful, I cant seem to believe him. I am broken as usual. My heart is shattered but for some heartfelt reason I decided to give him another chance. Maybe he will see what he has infront of him. Maybe he won’t. Maybe things will get better. Maybe I am just weak.

This week has been an endless nightmare, so much has happened and I am not gonna tell myself I am strong enough to handle it all because I dont feel like I am. Someone very young was taken from my home and sent to live with another family because of the wishes from his birth mother. That broke my heart into a million pieces. Then the day after my family got into a car accident. I wish I was with them but something begged me to stay home. No one got extremely injured besides a severe concussion and some bruising. Seat belts save lives, if it wasnt for seat belts I wouldve lost everyone in my family....I nearly lost them. And ontop of that I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He was looking at girls skinner, younger, more built than me. Better built I should say. Short, skinny, beautiful, thin girls. He pretended to be younger than his age so he can have a chance with these girls.....get this I stayed with him 3 years in and I keep getting hurt but I dont wanna leave. I dont know who or what I will become without him. I have a fear of being alone. I have a fear of myself for the most part. Ever since I caught him cheating, I havent been able to look at myself. I look into the mirror and just see an empty soul staring back at me. A shallow, hallow lifeless body standing infront of me. I use to be able to take mirror selfies but I dont even feel comfortable doing that anymore. I don’t feel good in my own skin and no matter how many times he calls me beautiful, I cant seem to believe him. I am broken as usual. My heart is shattered but for some heartfelt reason I decided to give him another chance. Maybe he will see what he has infront of him. Maybe he won’t. Maybe things will get better. Maybe I am just weak.