To say it’s been a bad week would be the understatement of the year... it’s been over a year since my non-epileptic seizures started, and today I nearly ended it all. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m depressed. And I hurt deep into my bones. Yesterday, I had three really bad seizures - so I woke up already exhausted. I had a mild seizure today, and then accidentally knocked over one of my Mom’s Christmas decorations. It was the last straw. Emotion surged and tears filled my eyes.
I hate this so much. I hate the vulnerability. I hate the confusion. I hate the helplessness. And I hate having to rely on everyone for my wellbeing. I hate being stuck in this seemingly hopeless situation. I hate feeling like I can’t cry in front anyone, because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m weak and incapable of handling it.
After my parents helped me downstairs to my room, I cried into my pillow to muffle the noise. I didn’t want to cry in front of them. I didn’t want to try to explain. I didn’t want to hear platitudes. I didn’t want anyone to touch me, even in a well-meaning hug. I feel like one more thing is going to crack me wide open, and something bad is going to happen. Tonight, my parents are going to my brother-in-law’s hockey game and I’m staying home. The way I feel right now, being around other people wouldn’t be a good thing. I know bad days happen. I know some days I wanna jump off a cliff. Some days are simply place holders - to be ignored and done with as soon as possible. And I know not every day is horrible. But right now, I’m having a bad day. #BadDay #Mentallyandphysicallyexhausted #anger #Depression #ihatethis #imtryingmybest