ihatethis

I have had fibromyalgia for almost a year and a half now and right now I have a bad flare up. Everything hurts. I just wanted to vent on here. When anyone gets a flare up, do they ever feel really depressed? On a funnier note, a coworker text me this morning a little before 8 asking where their good pen was. I kinda chuckled and thought “I’m far too much in pain to care about your pen.” LOL
#Fibromyalgia #inpain #ihatethis #Depression #Anxiety #toomuchinpaintocry #findacureplease

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Why? Why did my nephews had to be home today?? Just why?? I swear I love them, but my autism - says - why??

Now I’m planning to just leave out for today. I’m so sick of this shit. I’m so sick of being overstimulated like this.

And why does it always have to be on the same day as my therapist appointment? It’s not like I can reschedule because then we would have to pay $100 just for fucking rescheduling this late.

Screw it, I’m still leaving early and having the online appointment elsewhere. I don’t care how cold it is or whatever, I’m going.

What a shit first day of the month. First it’s me being triggered and crying last night because of accidentally reading transgender violence statistics and was scared for my life because I’m trans nonbinary, now it’s my nephews being home. 😑😤

#anger #Autism #why #ihatethis #overstimulated #Anxiety

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I really wish there’s a way to just take the flu shot at home. Or just any shot at home for that matter.

Almost everytime I go to get it, I get misgendered. Because of it, I absolutely despise Walgreens because before they didn’t want to change my name or legal gender (even though I’m really nonbinary, have to wait three freaking years to get our mark even though the bill passed in 2018, what’s taking so long?!) in their system. Because of that, and the last time I went for the booster shot and when I was being called to take the shot, I called “Miss” ‘last name’ in front of everybody.

My mom says that everything should be changed now, but honestly I don’t really even want to enter another Walgreens anymore. That’s how crap I’ve felt. Me and my mom are going this weekend (hopefully) to another clinic other than Walgreens.. and I still don’t feel good about this. Especially if we’re getting restaurant food to take home afterwards, I’ve often been grouped with her as “ladies”. Ugh. 😔

This damn society..

(Just in case - please don’t mention - or censor - the words c*v*d-19 (o, i), c*r*na (o, o), p*nd*mic (a, e), or q**rint*ne (ua, i) in the comments.)

#GenderDysphoria #ihatethis #SocialAnxiety #LGBTQIA

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Sometimes I really hate being trans and nonbinary. I wish I was just born masculine.
It’s not fun. It happened as soon as I came to the bus stop, too, and I immediately just went back home. Clearly all society sees is a girl. No matter what I freaking do. I have long hair, but I’m not a freaking girl.

Why can’t this stupid society see that I’m not a girl? Every time I get misgendered now, thoughts of being off dead get into my head, oftentimes even having a plan right then and there. And I went back to self harm today, but I’ll try not to do it again.

I hate this.

So fuck it. I’m not going back outside. Not even to eat (which is why I would even be outside). Not even to pick up something from the door if someone’s standing there. Not if everyone is just going to misgender me as a girl like this, even if they usually don’t mean to hurt me. It still freaking hurts. This is why I can’t even just dress how I want to dress. I try to, but stuff like this often gets in the way, and this is why I sometimes avoid wearing skirts (which I guess didn’t even freaking matter today anyway).

Oh, and just for clarity’s sake, I don’t identify as a human. It’s nothing pessimistic or degrading, but it’s more in a spiritual nonhuman way. So I ask to please not call me a human, thanks.

#LGBTQIA #sad #GenderDysphoria #SocialAnxiety #SuicidalIdeation #ihatethis #fml #imnotagirldamnit

Can you tell when you’re falling into a depressive low? It’s been a while since I’ve been here thanks to my meds but my dr had me try lowering my dosage of Lithium bc of the weight I’ve gained. Yea... No. it’s a negative ghost rider. 600mg is the lowest I can safely go. The last wk & a 1/2 has really not been good for me. 😢 I hate seeing what I’ve done after a manic episode but know in that moment I couldn’t have stopped it. And each time makes my lows even lower than the time before. I know this isn’t me but at the same time it is #ihatethis #Bipolar
#Depression #Manic

I feel trapped and angry
What am I supposed to do
Who am I supposed to believe
The scariest prison is our minds
Is this real
I know the virus is but are the people
The politicians
What is real and what is sensationalism
Trust is hard for many of us who suffer with mental illness
This has made that exponentially worse

Imagine a room. White walls and a black floor. It’s empty. No windows, no doors, no decorations. It’s cold inside. It is so cold that when you enter your bones shake, but as you spend more time in it you start to like the cold. And in rare moments when you are not in the room you feel like the warmth is bothering you, you miss that deadly cold. In that room no body can hear you no matter how loud you scream. There is no one to save you, to get you out of there, to help you.
And here I am, collapsed on the dark cold marble floor, like a stray animal. Unwanted and misunderstood. I look around. The walls, oh my god these walls kept me imprisoned for years. And I do not have the power to stand up, to break free. My soul hurts, my body aches and my heart is just empty. I’ve tried to break out of the room, to feel something, to be happy, but the walls are too strong. They leave scars and cuts and sometimes even if you break off a little piece and see the outside, the room consumes you. The walls grow taller, thicker and become sharper to touch. I am tired. So tired. I am not trying anymore. Not trying to exit. The room is stronger than me. So I just lay there. Forgotten. Broken. #alone #thinkingtomuch #suicidal #ihatethis

All I wanted to do was go to bed early. My mind is racing, my body is aching, and my eyes wanna be shutting. Physical pain and mental pain are stalkers. #helloofficer #protectiveorder #ihatethis #PainPainGoAway

what’s on my mind? better question is what isn’t..first off I’m completely new here.
I’ve recently started seeing a phychologist and though we haven’t really gotten into serious details about my possible triggers, and she feels I’m making progress already, I feel like I’m running in reverse. so many thoughts and feelings I’ve managed to suppress, even just temporarily, have come back in waves. my everyday life is a struggle in itself. my head is a major hurricane. following a storm, I have years and years of destruction to repair; every storm seems to dig into the destruction of the previous, as well as making its own chaos. How do I get out of this, how do I just LET IT ALL GO?? I’m seriously losing it and this struggle is really taking it’s toll. #lonely #Anxiety #Depression #likeahurricane #mentallyunstable #Momlife #breakingmedown #hurt #Unsure #thinkstoomuch #ihatethis #dontmakemefightmealone