I feel ashamed. Again.
I had a job interview this morning for a very easy part time job. I didn’t go. I couldn’t go. I wanted to go. It just didn’t happen. I feel sick. And guilty and ashamed. #SocialAnxiety #BadDay #Shame #Work
My mom calling my dad an Effing Coward, them calling each other names my mom especially putting him now, sister and mom fighting, me and my mom lately not getting along either or avoiding each other. It’s a little hard.
Sometimes life seems to be just fine, almost not bad at all.
And then, there are the other days. Days like today. The worst of the worst days. I hate when that happens. I’m angry and pitiful at the same time. I just can’t function as a human today.
If you are having today a bad day as well, then know, that you are not alone and let’s hope, that tomorrow is a better day❤️
And for the rest of the day that’s left - I’m pretending that I am a rock. Or a leaf. Can’t decide.
#Depression #BadDay #numb
Yesterday is one of those days that really got into my nerves. A lot of bad things happened to me yesterday. When i got home, i just lay on bed and did eat and then i woke up in the middle of the night trying to scream on a pillow. I haven't eat anything since yesterday afternoon.#Anxiety #BadDay
It just hit me at work at the end of a rough work day that so many of the symptoms and problems I am having right now are pointing towards a bad prognosis where I could lose my hearing, use of my hands and possibly my legs, and eyesight, which would make me have to give up my career that I LOVE. It’s so very overwhelming and I have no idea who to talk to about it. I really found and have my dream job. I don’t ever want to lose it, but I do know that at some point there will come a time where I cannot do it anymore due to my chronic illnesses. I guess I buried it deep down before and now with having some bad flares it’s bubbling up to the surface. I’m scared and angry and a little depressed. I know this community will understand. #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #CrohnsDisease #BadDay #overwhelmed
So with OCD do you believe there is such a thing as good and bad days. Whilst sometimes I may not think so, I know that today I would be lying. Today was a bad day. A really bad day. Today we took our son to the park, and from the second I tried to lock the house I knew it wouldn't end well, but I was determined to go. All I could think about was how contaminated I felt. From the dustbins I passed on the roadside, to the rubbish overflowing at the park trailing on the floor, to every person that passed us. I felt dirty, I was contaminated and it would make me sick, not only me but I was putting my husband and son at risk. Leaving the house felt dangerous, reckless and even though I was wearing a mask, had disposable gloves with me and alcohol gel it didn't help. Nobody I saw was wearing a mask, people weren't 2 meters apart and to me it all felt incredibly overwhelming and getting sick is a massive fear of mine. Today it felt like I would get sick, not that I might get sick.
My panic attack started as soon as my husband locked the door, I physically couldn't do it, but seeing him lock it is just as bad. What if he hasn't locked it properly? What if something bad happens because he hasn't checked it the right amount of times? Somebody could break in, there could be a fire. I know realistically that he checked the door, (once) and that I completed my checks of all the plugs, gas taps, back door, tv and other electrical appliances but it didn't feel right. On our walk to the park, We have to walk past dustbins which I have a real problem with. To me they feel brimming with contaminated objects and just being near them sends me in a tizzy. So I walked as far away from them as the path would allow, turning my head. That increased my anxiety more. By the time we got to the field I was having a full panic attack. Heart racing furiously, sweating, breathing heavy into hyperventilation, tensing my eyes so much it gave me a headache, and bad thoughts racing a mile a minute. I struggled to control by breathing, feeling like I couldn't breath and the longer it lasted the worse it got. With every family that passed us my fear increased. What if they have coronovirus there not wearing masks. What if the germs make me sick, make my family sick. it will be my fault. I had a medallion in my pocket from when we went to disney last year. I started twirling it in sequences of 5 and then squeezing it, hard hoping this would help get my breathing under control. It makes no sense I know but often OCD doesn't. After 20 minutes I was in intense panic, I shouted to my husband "we need to go, I cant breath,"
On the way back there were even more people and my mask was soaking for breathing heavy for so long. When we made it home I ran inside and washed my hands in the usual sequence, 10 times with soap, it helped a little but not enough. Today was a bad day. #OCD #BadDay #ocdwarrior
As many of you know my Wife and I run a charity that houses vulnerable people. 5 months ago the water bill for house number 4 was $2000. It should be about $400. Turns out there was a leak near the meter. The water board agreed to waive $1000. Today a new bill arrived, $4000. I was stunned. I went to the house to investigate and discovered a major leak at the back of the house that the residents have tied a rag around it. They didn’t think to tell us. I was incredulous. We subsidise the family greatly and yet they were happy to waste $4000 of our money.
Leaving the home I hit my head on a piece of sheet metal they had strung up and cut my head deep enough for the doctors to see my skull. It took two doctors and three nurses two hours to stop the bleeding. Yesterday I had a CT scan on my brain because I had a bad head injury last week, incredibly today I had to have another CT. Fortunately it was clear. I will end up with a big scar. At least in a few weeks it will be all good.
I wish people wouldn’t take advantage of our generosity. I wish I was more careful with my body. Today has been a sucky day.