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    Breaks down in tears on March 7th #MissYouMom

    March 7th, this day I woke up and thought the day would be like any other day(#alone , #depressed but still alive),but oh my, I was so wrong! Usually when my mother's or father's death anniversary has suddenly come, I usually just take it as a normal day, thinking about them a little extra than usually, missing them, sometimes sharing a photo on Facebook and write 'the years and I miss you', BUT later this day I got a weird feeling, I felt different, I felt worse (But I felt even more worse after what happened next). This day was the anniversary of my mother's death, 19 years since she passed away on this day, 19 years! The first thing I said to myself after I thought about how many years had gone by was 'Holy Sh**'! I felt I wanted to share the death anniversary in a Facebook group(first time I shared something this big), and because I had seen other members do the same, however, my post got deleted by an administrator of the group, I felt all kinds of emotions, I wrote a new post and told them how I felt about it and I left the group in anger without thinking and I suddenly broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying! Some members reached out to me on messenger and asked me to not leave the group, one of them wrote they had experienced the same thing but asked me to stay in the group and not let this ruin anything for me, but by then I had already left the group. I do appreciate all the support they gave me, I really do! I chose to take some days trying to calm down a bit. I have cried every day since, but luckily I managed to get a few hours without crying. Non of this helped at all, since I started talking with my psychology about every bad and hurtful experiences throughout my life, I've been more #Vulnerable , so now I'm trying to give myself a break, trying to breathe and do other things to distract myself.

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    The wrong side of the bed

    I have so many admissions into hospitals that I have completely lost count, years ago. Between spinal fusions (3), staff infections, not knowing what was wrong with my stomach for years and then finally figuring that out and that it was Idiopathic Refractory Gastroparesis, the admissions list is excessively long.

    Through all of those admits my mother was always there every day, day in and day out no matter what. Always kept a smile on her face for me and always came with all her love and support. (And some chocolate too but shhhhhh! Lol)

    Lately I’ve been on other side of the bed and damn does it give a whole other level of appreciation and respect to my mother. She never once complained about being there, always brought things that put a smile on my face or make me laugh or just sit there while I took a nap through the aweful pain and nausea or just complete exhaustion. She was always there. Always my strength, and my voice of reasons on the days where I just wanted out, to get the hell out of there and go home. Knowing full well that wasn’t the best answer to my illness issues. But man did I want to leave, dozens of times.

    I now find myself on the other side of the bed and most recently on just the other end of the phone due to COVID restrictions in the rehab facility she was transferred to. Damn it, this sucks. I don’t care how old you are. You miss your mother in one way, shape or form. That is if you are lucky as I am to still have my mother in my life. The strength that it must have taken her to see me
    Like that, so sickly and helpless must have torn her heart in two because right now that’s the way mine feels. I draw strength from all the times that she had to be strong for me and that helps me get through the day.
    But In the end, I just want my
    Mom back, home safe and sound.

    Mom, l now know how you felt every time I was admitted and I will never take that for granted or forget that ever. Your my world. Keep kicking ass and taking names at rehab

    ~your more than ever proud daughter

    Laura. #Gastroparesis #Fybromyalgia #ParkinsonsDisease #On #Depression #Anxiety #MissYouMom

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    A New Year.

    I looked out the window at the bright sun reflecting on the snow today. Its a new year, but I don’t feel like celebrating. Life has continued to go on around me, and still I feel like time is standing still. That when I call, you’ll answer. I’ll ask what are you doing, and you’ll say “Just resting here watching TV.” Instead I went to your grave the other day. I stood there in the wind, tidying up the flowers, putting in the pretty purple light, and waited. Waited to wake up from a bad dream, but unfortunately I am awake. We all are awake. I made breakfast and suddenly I thought about the “egg with a hole in it” you used to make. I absolutely loved everything you made for me. The one recipe I don’t have though is the “How do I live without my mom” recipe. You got a visit from your mom to let you know she was going to take care of you. How I wish I could get a visit like that from you. To know for sure that you are in a better place, that you got the biggest hug from your dad when you got there, and that you will watch over us, making sure we live the rest of our lives without regrets. It’s a new year, and another year I will have to figure out a new normal for myself, for dad, for everyone who loved you. I miss you mama. #Grief #motherlessdaughters #MissYouMom


    #52SmallThings Letter

    I wrote a sort-of letter to myself. It started off as a journal entry, but ended up being a letter to me. I didn’t know I had to get all of that off of my chest. I guess I missed my mom very dearly today. I miss her every day, but I guess today was different. It also happens to be the seventh of the month. I just thought of that. She died on a day that was the seventh of another month five years ago. #MissYouMom I’m thankful for all the years we had together.

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    5 months

    It’s been 5 months since we lost our beautiful Mom on her 71st Birthday. I miss her so much. 😢 #FuckCancer #MissYouMom #LymphomaNonHodgkin #Neverthesameagain #Changedforever #Holeinmyheart

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    Mom’s Memorial Service

    Had Mom’s Memorial Service and Celebration of Life on Saturday. My heart is broken. I can’t believe she’s gone. #DeathOfMyMom #FuckCancer #MissYouMom #brokenheart #LoveYouForever

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