I am neutral
It's hard when you are numb. I don't feel. I have physical reactions that I think should be attached to feelings but they aren't. I think that from what I have observed from people. I only ever feel extremes. I can feel intense anger or intense joy (has rarely happened), but that's it. So, in days like today, when I find myself crying and in pain, but I cannot attach that to anything, I don't know how to help myself.
Am I the only one?
I know I have been feeling vulnerable the past few weeks, I know this because I rarely cry and when I want to it's hard to make myself cry. But this past week I have found myself quick to cry and randomly as well. If I let myself cry, I feel pain. Well, not feel it. It's hard to explain. My head feels tormented, like these dark clouds roll in and all there is is darkness. And then something strange happens. I feel uncomfortable, so much so I just want to scream and tear at my skin.
I know that I'm in pain, my soul is in pain. I don't know how to explain, I just know it as a fundamental truth. But, am I sad? I cannot tell. I am neutral. Am I joyful? I would say not. Am I scared or angry or irritated or hopeful or what? None of those. I don't think so. I don't feel anything. I am just neutral.
#numb #Vulnerable #Depression #CPTSD #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors