Vulnerable

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    I am neutral

    It's hard when you are numb. I don't feel. I have physical reactions that I think should be attached to feelings but they aren't. I think that from what I have observed from people. I only ever feel extremes. I can feel intense anger or intense joy (has rarely happened), but that's it. So, in days like today, when I find myself crying and in pain, but I cannot attach that to anything, I don't know how to help myself.
    Am I the only one?
    I know I have been feeling vulnerable the past few weeks, I know this because I rarely cry and when I want to it's hard to make myself cry. But this past week I have found myself quick to cry and randomly as well. If I let myself cry, I feel pain. Well, not feel it. It's hard to explain. My head feels tormented, like these dark clouds roll in and all there is is darkness. And then something strange happens. I feel uncomfortable, so much so I just want to scream and tear at my skin.
    I know that I'm in pain, my soul is in pain. I don't know how to explain, I just know it as a fundamental truth. But, am I sad? I cannot tell. I am neutral. Am I joyful? I would say not. Am I scared or angry or irritated or hopeful or what? None of those. I don't think so. I don't feel anything. I am just neutral.

    #numb #Vulnerable #Depression #CPTSD #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors

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    Started a Group for #therapists who have #MentalHealthIssues

    Hi everyone! Thank you for accepting me.

    I am a licensed #counselor in New York State.

    I have been in #Therapy since I was 16. I’ll be 41 this year.

    As a #mentalhealthprofessional , I have found that one way to #endstigma is to be more #authentic and #Vulnerable .

    What does that mean? Well… therapists needs therapists, too! #Burnout is real. I know I especially do a horrible job with #selfcare . The last two years have been especially hard on almost everyone, and the need for more funding for MH in our country is not where we want it to be. :(

    I have #generalizedanxiety and #MajorDepressiveDisorder . I had horrible #postpartum anxiety and depression for a year after my son was born.

    I invite anyone in the helping professions to join our group. Let’s support one another and lift each other up. Thank you. :)
    #socialwork #Counseling #Psychiatrist #psychologist #Nurse #Therapist #endstigma #Support

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    These "Lonley" Men Sending DMs...

    Since I've been on The Mighty, I've had several requests for DMs. The conversations never went anywhere, and I didn't think anything about it. Then I was on here and read an article about emotionally predatory men (yes I'm sure there are women too) who come on here, scan for who seems #Vulnerable , then proceed to try to talk to these vulnerable people in an effort to #manipulate said people for their own nefarious reasons. I was floored. I thought about it, and I have NEVER had one single woman send me a DM. It's always been men. Then it occurred to me that when I said "Hey what's up?" Virtually all of them said "I'm just looking to chat with someone because I'm #lonley ." Yet when I tried to talk about mental or physical health or anything appropriate for The Mighty, they had nothing to say. When I looked at these men's profiles, virtually all of them had made zero comments, no real bio, were not in any groups, but we're following like 30 Mighty members, who allllll happen to be female.
    I feel really angry with myself for not catching this sooner, but I'm working through that anger. So now, when I get random DMs from some guy, I always say "Hi, what were you needing to talk about?" Not ONE of them has even replied. At all.
    Just remember to be careful. Emotional predators are real, and they are everywhere, including The Mighty.
    #EmotionalPredator #unsafe #manipulation #EmotionalHealth

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    Breaks down in tears on March 7th #MissYouMom

    March 7th, this day I woke up and thought the day would be like any other day(#alone , #depressed but still alive),but oh my, I was so wrong! Usually when my mother's or father's death anniversary has suddenly come, I usually just take it as a normal day, thinking about them a little extra than usually, missing them, sometimes sharing a photo on Facebook and write 'the years and I miss you', BUT later this day I got a weird feeling, I felt different, I felt worse (But I felt even more worse after what happened next). This day was the anniversary of my mother's death, 19 years since she passed away on this day, 19 years! The first thing I said to myself after I thought about how many years had gone by was 'Holy Sh**'! I felt I wanted to share the death anniversary in a Facebook group(first time I shared something this big), and because I had seen other members do the same, however, my post got deleted by an administrator of the group, I felt all kinds of emotions, I wrote a new post and told them how I felt about it and I left the group in anger without thinking and I suddenly broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying! Some members reached out to me on messenger and asked me to not leave the group, one of them wrote they had experienced the same thing but asked me to stay in the group and not let this ruin anything for me, but by then I had already left the group. I do appreciate all the support they gave me, I really do! I chose to take some days trying to calm down a bit. I have cried every day since, but luckily I managed to get a few hours without crying. Non of this helped at all, since I started talking with my psychology about every bad and hurtful experiences throughout my life, I've been more #Vulnerable , so now I'm trying to give myself a break, trying to breathe and do other things to distract myself.

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    I just realized something.

    After I started talking to a psychologist, I have realized something I actually never have thought about. As I have shared in earlier post, I lost my mother when I was 8y and my father when I was 14y. No one ever told me it was okey to #Mourn , or that I actually should. I have never had anyone who talk to me or that I could talk to after my mom passed away, and now I sit with the question 'why didn't I have anyone?'. The child welfare should have taken it seriously, when a child loses one of their parents. I grew up without anyone to talk to, I got so used to it, I thought it was normal not to talk about losing my mother and that it was normal not to grief. When I became a teenager I tried to open up to my friends, but they always ended up interrupting me as if what I told them was so boring. I ended up being the anchor to my friends, because that's who I am and always have been. My friends always came to me with their problems, they knew I was one of the few who would listen and try my best to help them and let them cry on my shoulder, so I was there for them. don't get me wrong, I loved that my friends could come to me and that they trusted me, but non of them ever bothered to think or ask about how I handled it. It's been very hard the last few weeks, with the pain my ex-boyfriend caused me, and I lost a girl as a BFF, grief of my parents and the love I still have for a ex guy-friend who don't care at all. The worst part is that everything just got thrown in my face at once, and I have no idea how to handle it all! I'm extra #Vulnerable , but I try my best not to show it!

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    a desert i inhabit... within

    when you recognize you have no sense of comfort, no possibility to cozy up with someone, when you yearn for somebody’s company to feel good about yourself, someone you could talk to without being judged... to talk about that beautiful music you heard late in the evening, a movie that moved you, the coffee that was so stimulating, a book that was so thought provoking... the surge of excitement when you figure out a response to complicated question in your research and the sense of accomplishment...but no one around... you are alone... very alone ... not one heart in the throbbing world beats for you... the world you wanted to be part of, share your joys, humor... is gone. your mind collapses... the buzz has no meaning... the end of joy. the horror and dread of loneliness...😢
    #Loneliness #Loss #suicidal #Lossofhope #Depression #Vulnerable

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    The agony and pain of depression and loneliness.

    I have been in a state of depression and misery, devoid of hope, comfort, continen contentment for nearly two years. But of late its getting even more difficult - a constant dulling sensation to do the routines and necessary chores of eating, bathing, getting decent hours of sleep itself is becoming a task. I have lost interest in food, in my coffee, music, stepping out. I just want to sleep forever but barely manage some 5 hours. But yet I try hard to motivate and enthuse myself. Certain kinds of TV serials I began watching but after couple of episodes it ceases to hold my interest. If and when I don’t have a choice of meeting people I talk normally and put up a façade of involvement and interest though after a while I just want to get back to my room and bed. Force myself to listen to the kind of music I used to live on and play while driving. But only for few minutes... just want to sleep... and sleep forever and good.😢

    Even those who know I’m depressed and yet see me quite functional seriously wonder about its bonafides. I don’t want to be self piteous but yet seek some assuaging and vindication. So I act normal but then folks start taking you for granted and you then suffer the very conditions which exacerbated your loneliness, angst, grief and alienation in the first place precipitated by series of unfortunate trauma or episodes in your life.
    Just feel so horrible and tired.
    #Depression #Loneliness #Vulnerable #suicidal #Selfpity

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    Tears

    Now I'm crying...

    And today story is the following:
    I'm in the mid of making my 2nd bag. I need a lining, I don't have a sewing machine, so I went to the atelier( not the one,where I went for sewing the lining for my 1st bag").A"pretty old lady" there told me:"such school things ,mommy, you should do yourself"

    What was that?? Is she so full of work and money that she doesn't need more customers??
    Why does she address me as "mommy"?! It was so rude and tactless of her...I don't have any children of school age, I don't have any children at all and I can't have them now due to my medical treatment...

    I know I shouldn't react so sharp but I can't help it..It's like she kicked me on a raw...
    I rushed out from there almost in tears..

    #Depression #Fatigue #MultipleSclerosis #tears #Vulnerable

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    Honesty hour

    I’m having one of those nights where everything is on my mind and it’s getting in the way of me going to sleep-no matter how tired I am. No matter how much I know I’m going to regret it and want to avoid the dreadful under eye bags. Anywho- tonight’s thoughts are that I have truly not been completely honest with anyone in my life. I’ve been full of shame and have elaborated myself, or kept the whole truth from people not to be malicious but because I was afraid. Because I didn’t feel good enough. Because I didn’t want to explain myself. Because I didn’t want them mad at me. Because I wanted them to like me. Whatever the reason was- i withheld information or stretched the truth because it sounded better than the actual truth. Friends, family, even my therapist at times (I withhold out of fear of making her feel bad). I have trouble connecting with people because I don’t fully show up. I resent others because I blame them for not making me feel comfortable enough to be open. I get angry with myself for sabotaging potential relationships. It’s a constant cycle. And I just want someone to be able to fully be vulnerable with. I want to be honest. With no shame. No fear of judgement. No second thoughts. Just freely expressing whatever whenever wherever. #honest #LateNightThoughts #Vulnerable #Shame #NoJudgment

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    Why ?

    My BFF my husband for years didn’t want to address a health situation, I suffered in silence 4 years wondering “ what if “ and my worst nightmare has arrived - he’s been in the hospital 4 nearly 2 months Clinging to life - hospital sucks - they aren’t compassionate at all - we went from a stomach problem to an upcoming amputation- I’m alone confused- can barely breathe. He was my caregiver my hero my everything. DONT know how to move forward- emotional- financial-or move on , I’m just a woman who took care of her husband & my husband was & is my shield and sword. #terrified #Anxiety #Vulnerable

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