Vulnerable

It's hard when you are numb. I don't feel. I have physical reactions that I think should be attached to feelings but they aren't. I think that from what I have observed from people. I only ever feel extremes. I can feel intense anger or intense joy (has rarely happened), but that's it. So, in days like today, when I find myself crying and in pain, but I cannot attach that to anything, I don't know how to help myself.
Am I the only one?
I know I have been feeling vulnerable the past few weeks, I know this because I rarely cry and when I want to it's hard to make myself cry. But this past week I have found myself quick to cry and randomly as well. If I let myself cry, I feel pain. Well, not feel it. It's hard to explain. My head feels tormented, like these dark clouds roll in and all there is is darkness. And then something strange happens. I feel uncomfortable, so much so I just want to scream and tear at my skin.
I know that I'm in pain, my soul is in pain. I don't know how to explain, I just know it as a fundamental truth. But, am I sad? I cannot tell. I am neutral. Am I joyful? I would say not. Am I scared or angry or irritated or hopeful or what? None of those. I don't think so. I don't feel anything. I am just neutral.

#numb #Vulnerable #Depression #CPTSD #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors

Since I've been on The Mighty, I've had several requests for DMs. The conversations never went anywhere, and I didn't think anything about it. Then I was on here and read an article about emotionally predatory men (yes I'm sure there are women too) who come on here, scan for who seems #Vulnerable , then proceed to try to talk to these vulnerable people in an effort to #manipulate said people for their own nefarious reasons. I was floored. I thought about it, and I have NEVER had one single woman send me a DM. It's always been men. Then it occurred to me that when I said "Hey what's up?" Virtually all of them said "I'm just looking to chat with someone because I'm #lonley ." Yet when I tried to talk about mental or physical health or anything appropriate for The Mighty, they had nothing to say. When I looked at these men's profiles, virtually all of them had made zero comments, no real bio, were not in any groups, but we're following like 30 Mighty members, who allllll happen to be female.
I feel really angry with myself for not catching this sooner, but I'm working through that anger. So now, when I get random DMs from some guy, I always say "Hi, what were you needing to talk about?" Not ONE of them has even replied. At all.
Just remember to be careful. Emotional predators are real, and they are everywhere, including The Mighty.
#EmotionalPredator #unsafe #manipulation #EmotionalHealth

I have been in a state of depression and misery, devoid of hope, comfort, continen contentment for nearly two years. But of late its getting even more difficult - a constant dulling sensation to do the routines and necessary chores of eating, bathing, getting decent hours of sleep itself is becoming a task. I have lost interest in food, in my coffee, music, stepping out. I just want to sleep forever but barely manage some 5 hours. But yet I try hard to motivate and enthuse myself. Certain kinds of TV serials I began watching but after couple of episodes it ceases to hold my interest. If and when I don’t have a choice of meeting people I talk normally and put up a façade of involvement and interest though after a while I just want to get back to my room and bed. Force myself to listen to the kind of music I used to live on and play while driving. But only for few minutes... just want to sleep... and sleep forever and good.😢

Even those who know I’m depressed and yet see me quite functional seriously wonder about its bonafides. I don’t want to be self piteous but yet seek some assuaging and vindication. So I act normal but then folks start taking you for granted and you then suffer the very conditions which exacerbated your loneliness, angst, grief and alienation in the first place precipitated by series of unfortunate trauma or episodes in your life.
Just feel so horrible and tired.
#Depression #Loneliness #Vulnerable #suicidal #Selfpity

I’m having one of those nights where everything is on my mind and it’s getting in the way of me going to sleep-no matter how tired I am. No matter how much I know I’m going to regret it and want to avoid the dreadful under eye bags. Anywho- tonight’s thoughts are that I have truly not been completely honest with anyone in my life. I’ve been full of shame and have elaborated myself, or kept the whole truth from people not to be malicious but because I was afraid. Because I didn’t feel good enough. Because I didn’t want to explain myself. Because I didn’t want them mad at me. Because I wanted them to like me. Whatever the reason was- i withheld information or stretched the truth because it sounded better than the actual truth. Friends, family, even my therapist at times (I withhold out of fear of making her feel bad). I have trouble connecting with people because I don’t fully show up. I resent others because I blame them for not making me feel comfortable enough to be open. I get angry with myself for sabotaging potential relationships. It’s a constant cycle. And I just want someone to be able to fully be vulnerable with. I want to be honest. With no shame. No fear of judgement. No second thoughts. Just freely expressing whatever whenever wherever. #honest #LateNightThoughts #Vulnerable #Shame #NoJudgment

My BFF my husband for years didn’t want to address a health situation, I suffered in silence 4 years wondering “ what if “ and my worst nightmare has arrived - he’s been in the hospital 4 nearly 2 months Clinging to life - hospital sucks - they aren’t compassionate at all - we went from a stomach problem to an upcoming amputation- I’m alone confused- can barely breathe. He was my caregiver my hero my everything. DONT know how to move forward- emotional- financial-or move on , I’m just a woman who took care of her husband & my husband was & is my shield and sword. #terrified #Anxiety #Vulnerable