DeathOfMyMom

the last weeks have being hardest and exhausting than usual. All remains pretty much the same. I continue to do drugs all the time and I have no idea about how to get out of this. Seems like every time I step forward, life pulls me back to square one. Honestly, it's getting harder to see a solution, but I want it. My little brother needs me and I love him so much. My situation kills my father quietly every day. I know none of them could ever stand by another loss for suicide. But the void that my mom left... she took something of mine with her. Suicide is a life sentence for those who stay. I know I could have done more, and I just didn’t. Honestly, I don't feel like getting professional help once more. I've been in medication for years, even psychiatric intensive care clinic for almost two months, and I only getting worst year by year... I really fucking lost. I admire those who keeping choosing life, day by day. Really do.
I’m wondering about the things that I can give myself, unlike my mom, but, what sorts of things? cause I really tried everything that I could do, medications, doctors, intensive care. And now, after her kills herself, I don’t see the point of doing all that stuff again. I don’t see the meaning. I envy those who are capable to do this choice that I don’t choose an ever single day. Say yes to life. I wake up every morning and I think “oh fuck here we go again”. I don’t have yes or no. I feel like a empty shell of person who cannot die cause this i’ll kill her litte brother and father. So I kept myself alive cause I don’t want to hurt them like my mom did to me. It’s a fucking hell. #Suicide #BipolarDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Grief #Depression #EatingDisorders #Autism #SuicideLossSurvivor #DeathOfMyMom #MentalHealth #OtherMentalHealth #CocaineDependence #HearingLoss

#overwhelmedd
I'm and feeling extremely overwhelmed as I am the one doing all the paperwork and memorial planning. This is Hubby's Mom who died in our home, a week ago on Friday. It has been exhausting and mentally straining. Hubby refuses to help in this process and though we both struggle with depression, I am having to buck up and get on with the formalities of this occurrence. It is like pulling teeth with family for info and photos of them and Mom. I just want it done. Hubby won't go into her room as she died in her sleep during a nap and he found her dead. It has taken a toll on both of us but on him the most. He isn't dealing with much and his gaming isn't helping me feel appreciated.

We have been Mom's caregivers since 2007 and both of us are truly blessed but on the other hand, exhausted mentally. We have had brief breaks in caregiving, but in our 12 years of marriage, we have only been together for 2 weeks alone. This will be our third week alone and we are learning to be a couple. And of course, depression has reared it's ugly head.

I'm in counseling for my mother issues and my counselor left the week prior to Mom's death. So here I am checking in for the first time. Thank you for letting me vent. Blessings, CJ
#Caregiver
#DeathOfMyMom
#CheckInWithMe

My mother died, swiftly and brutally, from #Melanoma when I was 19. I wrote in depth (on my blog site) on how much I hate #MothersDay , and how painful it is to see everyone who hasn't experienced such a #Loss or had to endure the incomprehensible torment of seeing the #Death of the person you love most in the world. If you understand and know how brutal the #Grief is, or if you're lucky enough never to have felt that anguish and would like to understand how someone has (and hasn't) coped with the ensuing trauma, please give it a read:
adamswierk.com/2019/05/07/a-message-from-an-adult-orphan-dep...
#DeathOfMyMom #bereavement