neverforgotten

It's been 7 1/2 years and I am haunted by "that" day. The day my beautiful 16yr old daughter ended her struggle due to mental health issues. I own my responsibility and I carry a heavy burden of guilt on top of the grief, broken heart and knowing life will never be truly happy for me. I face each new day as best I can. I don't think about ending my own struggle w life every day as I once did. I was a woman, a wife and a mother that use to love life and the most simple things. A beautiful sunrise, sunset and the sight of my girls. Being a mother was most important to me and gave me purpose and the love you feel for your children. Since Savanna left this world, I have wanted to follow. I had to get start taking medications to try and prevent ending my own life to escape the torture of every moment of every day. Medications, behavioral hospital stay and years of talk therapy did not change much. The medication did slow the chaos in my mind enough that I was able to think before acting. I have experienced many losses since my child loss journey began. I have had one person that came into my life about 4yrs ago and with his endless patience, love and compassion, I have been able to heal just a little more and I am thankful for him. My own daughters left me and in the past 6 months,my 37yr old blocked me, because we had an argument. I am angered and I am hurt that she has been able to break our relationship completely. My girls could never understand my grief. I know they had their own grief from the loss of their sister. They refused individual or family counseling. I truly needed my girls near me, to grieve with me sometimes. I had noone to cry with or to share good memories with. Instead my need of their time, a text or a phone call to just say hi, let me know how their day was or to hear them say hi mom how are you? Instead, I was a person they had no time for. My youngest does make an effort. I love them and would die for them just as I would have died in Savannas place and taken her struggles w me. I am a mother that raised 3 precious daughters and loved each one to the best of my ability. Now, I am a lost woman and I have no purpose. I want to die some days, but I am still here. All I can do on somedays is "just breathe." A phrase that has so much meaning now. Thank you for reading my story, I know it is not a happy one. I do have one person that has helped me so much just by truly caring for me and loving me. He has no understanding, but he has compassion, a shoulder and words that matter, he says " I love you, I wish I could take your pain away." It's really fairly simple to help someone, just be kind. 💚💔💚
Savanna🌹#forever16
#alwaysloved #neverforgotten
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