Thankyou everyone who offered their support when I posted about my normal MRI and frustration from no answers. I went through the same before almost 3 years ago, and it brings back those memories.
Where I live in the UK, my healthcare depends on the NHS, and I’ve had no less than 3 hospital referrals in 3 months, and I’ve had countless hospitalisations and doctors appointments over the past year. It makes me feel incredibly guilty, and also in a way just tired.
I’m tired of feeling ill. I’m tired of gaining yet another issue, or something getting worse. I’m tired of being a bit of a medical mystery with problems. It makes me feel like it’s just health anxiety causing stuff, even though I physically see the symptoms for some problems, have it down on paper and/or have symptoms that make it impossible to function properly because of other problems. I have to keep reminding myself that it is real, and my body can’t fake results for tests that aren’t normal.
I keep comparing myself to years ago. I would never see the doctors, and when I did they always found something wrong. And now it’s to the point where I don’t want to see the doctors and just want to deal with stuff, because I know it won’t kill me, it just depletes my spirit.
I don’t know how much more of it I can take. And it’s why my mind doesn’t want to fight for answers after a normal MRI. I am just so tired of it. And I am also just fed up of using NHS resources for no real result or improvement in my conditions. Someone else could have both instead.
I tried looking into private health insurance, but my amount of medical conditions makes me ineligible for treatment for those. And it’s also expensive. For the first time in 6 years I don’t even have a job, and my benefits have stopped meaning that all my adjustments etc because of my disability now come out of my own pocket/ will eventually have to stop.
Being young is a blessing, but also a curse when it comes to being chronically ill. It’s a blessing because my mind and body can/ should be able to deal with it better, and it can also handle all the tests and appointments and surgeries that I’ve had/ will have to have. It’s a curse because I know things don’t typically get better or go away, and the idea of having to deal with these issues for the next 50+ years scares me, especially as they’ll likely get worse or I’ll get more problems and it’ll make it unbearable.
Sorry for the mess this post is. It’s 6am and my brain is trying to fight a headache.
#ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #chronicallyill #Pain #NHS #young #Thoughts #MentalHealth #tired