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#Childhood #Trauma !!!

Phew! I do not intend to offend anyone, but I believe in the Lord and he is using this TBI recovery time to uproot deep tiers of childhood trauma!!!👍!!!

Hey, when you can cry about the hell you have walked through that IS a sign of being healed. And I shed a serious amount of tears today! The hardness is melting. A softening is occurring. Emotions ARE supposed to be expressed:

When happy you smile.
When hurt you cry.

Being taught to not cry “or else I’ll give you something to cry about” is abuse, in my opinion. But communication is how you talk the tears away; using caring words and an expressed form of verbal compassion.

To other adults who have been programmed to absorb abuse, as I was, I invite you to do yourself a favor: cry. It’s okay. ❤️!

#tears are necessary.
#Crying brings healing.
Release the #CPTSD #Trauma .

Photo credit: dreamstime.com - flowers flourishing as the water drops; showers of water brings growth. And a lack of falling water for all forms of life produces drought stricken dry brittle soil, or as my auto-correct keeps spelling, soul. Get it???

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In the silence of my tears #tears #silence #time #CPTSD #seeme #SuicideSurvivor #invisible #supportsurvivor

In the Silence Of My Tears
Sometimes when I lay in the midst of the night
I can see the darkest corners of my jagged mind
All the memories from demons past and present
come flooding over me
Nights turn to days … and … days turn to nights
As I lay in the silent embers of my burning tears
He lays next to me, Still I am alone,
in the midst of the night as I silently cry
Why must these demons haunt me eternally,
why am I alone in my tears
If all time is eternally present, how can I escape my demons past
How can I reach my future without maddening frustration,
without silent tears
With time past always in my presence
How can I escape the cold darkness of the aloneness
My sadness deepens with each tear that falls on deaf ears
Still he hears me not, in the stillness of the silence
My past and present collide into one
never ending nightmare of isolation
Is this my destiny
Sometimes when I lay in the midst of the night
I can see the darkest corners of my jagged mind
I scream out in silence through my tear stained face
See me, hear me, I am not invisible
As I lay in the silence of my tears
Wildfire 9/19/20

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Grief delayed #Grief #Suicide #Depression #Hope #PTSD #tears #Anxiety #Relationships #MentalHealth

It’s been such an event year. In June we received the news that after 3 years of bogus legal proceedings the police had withdrawn the charge against me after we provided irrefutable proof I was not in the state this crime was supposed to happen.

At the time I felt enormous relief and got on with life. Then it was open heart surgery with a 4 week hospital stay. Then I experienced life threatening leg problems and spent another 10 days in hospital with 4 surgeries.

Today I went to a beautiful spa in England where the water is naturally warm and was used by the Romans BC. Having a break from the spas I sat in a cafe overlooking the city of Bath. Then I started crying. Tears of relief that truth finally won. Tears about what could of been if we lost the court battle.

I didn’t care who saw me. I was filled with gratitude, relief and wonder.


Deep depression day

Why in my deepest depression days do I feel so very alone? I feel like no one in the world can possibly feel as low as I do. I have been crying (wailing) most of the day. I had to change my contact lenses because there were so many dried tears stuck to them that I couldn’t see well.

I cannot go back and change the past. But I am not accepting the present. I’m terrified of the future. Life is too emotionally painful. Every day. Today especially. It’s been like this for over six months. Since my first and only major mistake: suicide attempt putting me in the hospital for 40 days. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want it. But I can’t put the pieces back together and now I’m more hopeless than I ever was before. Lord, please help me. Please!

I am looking forward to falling asleep tonight when I can escape my reality for a few hours.

Does anyone else feel this sad? Gosh, I hope not! But I could use some encouragement here. 😢😭 #Depression #OverwhelmingSadness #tears

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Anxiety and my monsters

When does anxiety transform into a panic attack?

Curiously, anxiety, not depression, is a huge part of my life. There are times, that I feel anxiety is just losing control of my life, or, writing it correctly, the fear of losing control.

It's like I have all my monsters in a cage, but I keep looking at those monsters because I feel they might break the cage and get me.

Maybe it is my kid inside me, that remembers when I will get under the bed like somehow being under the bed will stop whatever was hurting me from hurting me again.

Can I be honest? I'm not sure if maybe I had a real monster, meaning, a real HUMAN hurting me, molesting me, attacking me?

I don't know why I forgot a lot of my childhood, and I can't remember one good thing about my childhood with my mother. And I'm trying, and I keep trying to remember one good thing with her, a moment of playing or smiling, or she allowed me to be a kid.

I don't know if it's a good thing to remember. The brain, our all overseer makes you forget or remember sometimes specific things.

I remember I was "the little man of the house", the responsible one, the one who was in charge of my brothers and sisters, the one who had to be an example for them.

I don't know when I lost my childhood, I don't even know if all of this that I feel, is real or not.

I am getting older, and I don't know anymore what went on in that PERFECT FAMILY that we were. I'm scared, but I'm an adult, and I suppose not to be scared of the monsters in the closet anymore, but....

Is it worth it to speak up? or to simply forget that I forgot?

My name is Jesus Guillen, and I live with anxiety and PTSD.

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #monsters #Hope #tears

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The Classic Rant

So my sister happened to call me the other day. At first it was a VC but then we switched to audio. Since I'm well acquainted (and annoyed) with people being 'People', I was perfectly 'Normal' seeming to not have noticed the look on her face when she saw me.

*who goes around the house doing laundry in Chanel anyway^^

It was pretty evident from all the fake accenting*is-that-even-a-word* that she was out with friends and as most of the talk recipient wasn't me, I left her babbling on the bed.

A while later when all was done and silent, I took a deep breath.
I was tired. We all are.
Another day check☑️

That night again
Crickets fought to kill whimpers drowned down by an old owl on the Oak.
And then she was as fine..

As wine...
Btw lets talk about snowdrops next time. I find them exquisite^^

#CPTSD #ChronicFatigue #Depression #borderlinedepression #tears #ME #Cancer

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Thoughts that creep in..

At times the need to connect is very strong and real tht they seem to be eating on the insides.
Then when some seemingly normal human comes my way, I go into this passive 'I don't care who u are..what u want, just go away" mode. Most of the time it's either I care too much or couldn't give a 💩(why does shits smile?)

Anyway.. Trust issues have bothered and worsened over time. Just when I think "aber ich sehe Licht am Endes des Tunnels" someone would let me down.. And there I go falling face first on the floor regreting every single decision I've ever made. To ruminate almost killing myself due to past trauma to being abused by the same person who fking kept me for taking my life...what's the difference? why did they do it? Why ME of every other living person? Whose fault is it that I can't seem to trust anymore? Whose fault is it that coping is this difficult?

It's true when they say,
"Part of me is a hopeless romantic while the other part is just hopeless."

#CPTSD #BPD #OCD #Fibromyalgia #CFS #ME #Trauma #Anxiety #borderlinedepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #posttraumatic #MentalHealth #tears #Cancer #Phobia #Depression #SocialAnxiety #ChronicFatigue #BipolarDepression

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And so my lethargic heart returns into Hibernation...

Aftr my online session, I scrolled through my ig feed n I ended up watching this reel that had a scream in it.
Some woman screams in the goddamn video!
Can't people just shut the fk up?!

Nw the fks wrong with me? I'm feeling heavy and lost and sad and it's all so fkin shitty n fked up
Godd the hells wrong with me...
Uff I'm such a coward.

#CPTSD #BPD #OCD #Fibromyalgia #CFS #ME #Trauma #Anxiety #borderlinedepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #tears #

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Another day.
Another struggle of telling myself to breath.
Last night I had another fight with someone I thought understood me. But yet again, this world keeps proving me wrong.

As I stood at the crossing to the store this morning, I thought what if I just do it? Just finish it off for once.
Everything was as bad as it could get. I even left my umbrella at home.
Just take a few steps and wouldn't it be nice to leave it all behind?
Would they regret what they've done? Feel bad for me?
Again.. What if I don't die.. And end up worse? Oh no. Not gonna do it.

And so, I left there. Went back.
Oh and yes.. Groceries and milk were long forgotten.

#CPTSD #BPD #Anxiety #BipolarDepression #Depression #tears #Selfharm