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When doctor who should help give you medical trauma

As an adult I suspected myself being autistic for a long time. Since I haven't been tested I couldn't officially say that I have autism. I was exploring myself and looking at my behaviour. Later I recognised several things which were obvious from my childhood - some by myself and some with my psychotherapist.

There was a moment last year when I decided I will pay testing, all protocol etc. When I mentioned all of that to my ex-psychiatrist the torture began. She often made me feel guilty, she would say "Your parents would notice if something was wrong" -well they wouldn't as they abused me whole my life and that's just stupid conclusion to be light in description... and "Poor kids, they must wait to be tested while you pay it and get tested. It's modern to have an autism nowadays." She also once talked about me, before me, with only me and her in her office like "some people cannot accept they have a personality disorder so they try to find other diagnosis".

She was repeatedly talking like that to me that every next appointment felt like an end of the world. I felt awful, guilty and ashamed. I was afraid and anxious of what is next that she is gonna tell me. I was and I am powerless when she is involved in my "healing" but I changed psychiatrist for differential diagnosis and she didn't want to even read my several pages result of autism tests, she was implying that I bought a diagnosis. How dare she?

Only thing that relieved me was that by the law I can't have two psychiatrists and I was freed from her. Even though time passed since she abused me for months and later for several weeks on psych ward I still have her in my nightmares, I developed medical trauma.

I don't trust doctors who never abused me or guilt tripped me anymore. I always expect the same treatment like hers. Words hurt more that being physically beaten and leave marks on mental and emotional health.

In Croatia only children up to 18yo can have free testing for autism. Adults need to pay. My intention was to get answers not benefits because my life with autism is everything except being trendy cool disorder as psychiatrist implied. I payed testing from my money from my then job. She asked so many questions and yes I had answers. Yes I advised with one person about testing from Faculty of Education and Rehabilitation Sciences. I did their screening test and other more detailed screening test from psychologist who has many years of experience and who did tests.

But in the end that wasn't important. That psychiatrist helped me with her behaving and abuse to develop medical trauma. Besides that I was abused in every official possible form though my life and she was like a cherry on top of my trauma 9 layer cake.

When she asked me about genetical testing I said I did it in public hospital because it was totally valid by my pharmacologist and that isn't valid test for her. She questioned my other genetical testing which payed Croatin Health Insurance Fund based on conclusion of genetics and metabolics diseases doctor commission. But yet that was also something she didn't get.

In many ways she abused patients on psych ward which I witnessed and other told me some things. I was retraumatised from domestic violence so my cPTSD and anorexia went out of control for zillionth time so I ended up on psych ward and again she was treating me. It's like a curse because she will always treat you in mental hospital on closed ward if she was your doctor at first admission. She would scream at patients to stop thinking about traumatic memories immediately after she activated their traumatic memories by direct and intentional questions, she would scream at girl because she was having panic attack and more she screamed the girl cried more. That doctor would scream at me, threaten me and in my 40 day hospital stay she only once speak to me like a human, let's say it wasn't screaming and threatening involved.

She never ever took my valid autism diagnosis confirmed by my current psychiatrist in list of my diagnoses, nurses would push me to dining hall to eat but I couldn't, they tortured me in one way that I felt so ashamed. I hated every day spent in that hospital. Once in morning visit after psychiatrist had one of her anger episodes towards me I then yelled at her "do you know what is it to have anorexia for 20 years?" while she was leaving my room being so ignorant and egoistic. I hated sound of her walk through the ward. I would panic every time or dissociate.

Whenever she felt powerless she would scream and threaten, her humanity doesn't exist. She would show her egoisitc manners towards most of her patients. We couldn't make a report about her because she would be the first one who would read it and probably punish us all patients who made valid complaints.

I remember every morning in her visitations that I would tremble, I would be on edge of panic attack, she thought that she is punishing me with NG tube and said "have you ever had a tube? Was it nice?" Like... She felt so powerless when she couldn't force someone to something and then punishment goes often by words, prohibiting things, insulting etc.

No matter which degree you have you can be a doctor or whatever but if you're narcissistic and abusive and in addition when you can't force psych patient to change or force others to do what you want then your place isn't to work with people. You should be moved to job where you can't hurt anyone and abuse them. In the end that is breaking the law. I have angriness towards her and what she did to me and how her "treatment" caused medical trauma in my life.

She can't stand others having different opinion than her. She will brush off diagnoses if that's not what she thinks even if it is confirmed by psychiatrist and totally valid. She lied in my medical paper when I was leaving hospital that in last appointment I was okay. That's not true because I was talking about terror of being again back to my parents due my arm injury and eventual loss of job and apartment. I was getting more panic with them because I grew up in domestic violence which never ended and my cPTSD was worse. In that previous record she wrote some things that I'm doing worse... but now I have her lies on paper, black on white. Those who lie make mistakes because they can't remember everything they lied so yeah you betray your fake mess.

I was completely sure she will give me a diagnosis of personality disorder which showed true but she crossed several things in law about persons with mental illnesses. She gave me diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality which I most surely don't have based on my current psychiatrist and she did it without continuous monitoring me through months without any valid reason. I even asked her for re-evaluation but she didn't want that. She isn't educaded about newest scientific proofs and findings in medicine because she is the smartest and she knows everything, she can't be wrong. I was treated for depression but I came for my cPTSD. She conditioned me that we can talk if I start eating. Even though I did start eating she never talked with me properly and never worked on my problems of PTSD.

She betrayed her role as medical doctor and psychiatrist firstly and betrayed her patients which majority of them went through abuse and don't need abuse from someone who's supposed to help them and be gentle. Hospitals should be safe places but this is nightmare. In the end I forced myself to behave exactly as she wants just to let me go because I couldn't stand that "treatment". Mentally I was buried and I came already dead-that's simmilar to what I said one of the nurses on ward. She looked at me like and said nothing. Nurses are another story of not helping and showing humanity, most of them working on that ward. You can die and they wouldn't know because they mostly just sit in their room, smoke and laugh and drink coffee. For most of them accountability is non identified subject. #psychabuse

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Nightmares and Sleep Anxiety

I get nightmares and talk in my sleep. Is there any way to treat this safely without disrupting my medications for bipolar 2 disorder?

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Feeling all sorts of icky

I'm playing the chronic pain bingo game today.

My lumbar on the right side is sending pain straight down my leg all the way to my toes.

I had a horrible nightmare last night about pauley pulling out my right eye. She said we're trying to save money so she'll do it herself. She couldn't figure out how to put it back in and then I bled to death.

#ChronicPain #BackPain #Nightmares

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Feeling scared and paralyzed

i just feel like giving up; feeling suicidal. Not that I have an actual plan but it just feels like I am closer to jumping off of the cliff than I have been in a long while. I’m always close to that edge - it’s always been my backup “just in case” for as long as I can remember. My bug-out bag is filled with ways to end my life - not as a means to survive.

I have Complex #PTSD , #Anxiety #ADHD #ChronicPain #Migraine , #SuicidalIdeation , and I am a survivor of sexual and narcissistic abuse, etc. When I was a child I would have recurring nightmares about being trapped in a madman’s world and having to figure out his game in order to survive with the ultimate hope of escaping. With the current state of the world, I feel like I am living this nightmare right now and I’m completely hopeless.

On the flip side, I have a loving family, a devoted dog (I love that dog so much!), a somewhat budding startup of a business (broke but managing although still anxious and insecure about money), I am creative and love what I do - which includes helping people and pets find botanical solutions to ease their skin, hair, and body issues including some pain relief.

I have received wonderful feedback from my small pool of clients stating that they have experienced relief and see improvement from using my products after having tried several name brands to no avail. This makes me happy.

That being said, I find this all the more ironic that I feel like I can’t help myself. Perhaps, I am just being triggered by all the uncertainty in the world but knowing our collective chance at a hopeful future is being shattered day by day makes all of this seem futile. My nightmare feels real.

Signed,

Lightworker in Distress

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Was I sexually abused as a child and if, so by whom?

Night after night, morning after morning, I wake up silently telling someone to leave me alone or go away. Or wake feeling frightened by the nasty man. I used to have nightmares - people trying to get in through the door or window - me desperately pushing against the barrier, struggling to keep them out. Then there's half-formed memories of darkened rooms, wandering hands, men and boys invading my personal space. I know that as a teen and adult I was sexually abused many times by different boys and men. But was I abused as I child? I think that I was, but I don't know that I was. And that is it's own mental torture in itself. I am obssessed with knowing and with not knowing. Desperately seeking clarity, yet fearing it. There are constant triggers too and the anger this brings. Hearing of sexual abuse in the media, in books, tv, dramas, the news or, more recently, disclosures from those close to me, makes me furious, sad, disgusted in the extreme. I want to protect others from those monsters but don't know how. I can't even protect myself. So I cry, I rage. I feel angry, desperate even suicidal at times. Yet I carry on. I put on a brave face, or a mask as I prefer to call it, and go through each new day pushing the fear and resentment down so that I can be there for myself and for others. Because I know that I am loved and that I need that love. I also need to love others with a love that is pure and selfless and true. Maybe that will keep the monsters away if only for a while.

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Today

Anyone else just wake up and feel sad? Like I don’t want too. It’s heavy.. it’s exhausting.. sometimes I tell myself things could have been worse. I try hard to motivate myself. I remind myself I’m worthy of being in this world as much as the other person. I’m just so tired of this feeling of failure. The feeling of being lost. People say find god he will fix it. I believe in him. I believe in a lot of things.. it doesn’t stop the feelings the emotions the nightmares. The sense of being lost and not belonging anywhere anymore. Rant over. I just want to stop feeling like this..

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She is dope

His First Love

And how many times I’m reminded
Fragments may compare to her
But he’s never really mine
tainted by her love
Yet truly betrothed
To her self mutilating love
While I bleed in quiet sorrow
Stolen moments
Whispered conversations
Deleted texts
Discarding milliliters of trust
For his beautiful mistress
I wasn’t the secret
But the silence he always returned to
Pushed into the margins in his
Daydreams and nightmares
Of their life together unfettered by my intrusion
She held him close— warm and lulled—
Before he ever knew my name

I wish I had a love like that

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Wellbutrin and nightmares

Good morning!
I just started wellbutrin and have noticed an increase in nightmares. Can anyone relate?

I read that clonidine might be helpful with this...does anyone have experience with using it to help?

Has anyone used anything else?

Thank you

#MajorDepression
#Depression

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Helpless

Today started off nice but then it feels like I'm drowning. and I'm too scared to reach out to my peers. I have disturbed them too much times. this App is my last resort.

so I'm just lying on my bed hoping this will all be over soon. but I feel horrible bcs I failed to utilise my day yet again. Another precious day the wasted again. And yesterday I got diagnosed with Bronchitis. I hate myself. I don't know what is God's plan out of this turbulent decade of my life. I'm mad, I'm sad, I can't accept my reality feels like nightmares. I'm all over the place.

#Anxiety #Depression #PTSD

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Not so new but new here.

👋 all I have been a part of the mighty since early 2017 when I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation type 1 and Syringomylia. Rheumatoid, and hyper Thyroid issues run in the family along with other autoimmune disorders, dupitrins contractions and planter fashitis (pretty thats mispelked). We also have Mental health or personality disorders as well.

I didn't ever really come on here till now. After having my son in 2021 I developed severe postpartum depression. It eventually disappeared on its own kinda, it just lessened to depression.I was battleing addiction that had started because of my Chiari diagnosis and decompression surgery. In summer of 2022 i got clean and stayed clean. I went to a psychologist who was in the company of my rehab/general therapist. I was diagnosed with general anxiety, social anxiety, depression, bipolar, and having borderline personality disorder traits. I have recently VERY recently got away from trauma and abuse. I am almost 💯sure I have C-PTSD. Are there other forms of trauma bonding, abuse, PTSD out there what are common symptoms? I have something really weird going on and I dont even know how to really explain it . It i don't know if it's a symptoms concerning my Chiari and surgery site or if its a mental, psychological issue from the trauma. Any similar backgrounds out there? Even not general answers would be appreciated as well. Thnx everyone.

#ArnoldChiariMalformation , #ChiariMalformation , #Syringomyelia #autoimmune Disorders #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #DepressiveDisorders #BipolarDepression #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #behavioralhealth #Trauma #symptoms #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #mental #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder ##Nightmares #MoodDisorders #SocialAnxiety #OtherMentalHealth #neuro

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