Nightmares

👋 all I have been a part of the mighty since early 2017 when I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation type 1 and Syringomylia. Rheumatoid, and hyper Thyroid issues run in the family along with other autoimmune disorders, dupitrins contractions and planter fashitis (pretty thats mispelked). We also have Mental health or personality disorders as well.

I didn't ever really come on here till now. After having my son in 2021 I developed severe postpartum depression. It eventually disappeared on its own kinda, it just lessened to depression.I was battleing addiction that had started because of my Chiari diagnosis and decompression surgery. In summer of 2022 i got clean and stayed clean. I went to a psychologist who was in the company of my rehab/general therapist. I was diagnosed with general anxiety, social anxiety, depression, bipolar, and having borderline personality disorder traits. I have recently VERY recently got away from trauma and abuse. I am almost 💯sure I have C-PTSD. Are there other forms of trauma bonding, abuse, PTSD out there what are common symptoms? I have something really weird going on and I dont even know how to really explain it . It i don't know if it's a symptoms concerning my Chiari and surgery site or if its a mental, psychological issue from the trauma. Any similar backgrounds out there? Even not general answers would be appreciated as well. Thnx everyone.

#ArnoldChiariMalformation , #ChiariMalformation , #Syringomyelia #autoimmune Disorders #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #DepressiveDisorders #BipolarDepression #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #behavioralhealth #Trauma #symptoms #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #mental #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder ##Nightmares #MoodDisorders #SocialAnxiety #OtherMentalHealth #neuro

Hi, my name is BillieJean1977. I'm here because I am 51 years old and I was sexually abused and raped by my dad from the age 4-13, when i was 15 i was raped by my boyfriend, his cousin, and his best friend. 1 month after the rape my dad killed himself. When I was 17 I got pregnant, and married a man who was extremely emotionally and mentally abusive and i stayed with him with my 2 children for 15 years. I was great at blocking all the abuse, I gained strength and left him. 2 years later I got Endometriosis and I was treated for that for 3 years, until I had a full Hysterectomy. For 3 years I was on massive amount of pain medication, I was addicted. In 2007 I lost my Job, I lost the dream home I bought and then the ultimate trauma happened.......... My 18 year old son was killed in car accident. That second I was told I went to my knees, my family said I was screaming at the top of my lungs.......... That was it, I was broke at that point. In 2011 I reached out for help, I finally got Therapy. I had struggles of course, but with all the meds I was on I was getting better. I have not been able to work since my son died, I have been with my son's best friends father since he died, he is my rock, my best friend, and the reason why I am alive today. I take care of my elderly mother, my daughter is living with us and I think I am having some kind of totall massive breakdown. I have been having continuous nightmares, and after all these years of blocking all i went thru for the first 34 years of my life, and not remembering things, for whatever reason I am having massive flashbacks, and periods of intense memories all at once.

i don't really remember much about the times it happened, only through nightmares, and when i think about it i dont feel angry i just feel kind of sad. im supposed to start EMDR soon so idk if it's going to make my nightmares worse or if i'll start to remember stuff soon but im scared. i don't want to live like i've been living, i want to enjoy things and not constantly be worried about it happening again.

I know I'm not the only one when saying that I've felt invisible in the family. I was/is the child that you didn't have to worry about. The child didn't need anyone to function. Although I did receive some attention, I did feel like I was more a part of the background than the foreground. My younger sibling got more attention because he wasn't doing well at school or at home. As I got older, I did end up doing a lot of things alone. It all comes back to me in my nightmares sometimes. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma #Nightmares

Hi.

I am coping with depression it seems daily. I’ve been on meds for a long time but need to face the fact that meds help me function but don’t cure me. My doctor wants to adjust them but it isn’t going well. I’ve done a lot of therapy to get my head in a good space - no more self-hate, or blame or feeling sorry for myself. I still feel empty, unmotivated, like I’m just walking through life with no feelings.

My sister has recently been sharing her problems with me. She’s described our mother like this:
“Mom abused us.  She humiliates, shames, blames, bullies, screams, yells, cusses to coerce us into what she wants”

I don’t remember that. I remember being unhappy, scared, and hating myself and blaming myself but I’ve never remembered why. I guess I curled up into myself so I could ignore it. I don’t think she physically abused me, I was her golden child, maybe because I always tried to do what she wants. I clearly had a bad childhood.

My sister says she has “PTSD, flashbacks, dissociation, hypervigilance, nightmares and more because of the abuse.”
I have and still do experience all of these. But now I know why.

So my new path is to explore my feelings with the knowledge that I experienced chronic abuse as a child. I’m already learning things from this group but I don’t know what to expect. How much of my childhood do I have to remember to heal from it? I really don’t remember what went on around me, I just remember the messed up feelings I had.

Thanks.

#PTSD #BipolarDepression #Depression

#Aphantasia #Depression #BipolarDepression #PTSD im not sure what I'm writing here, or if it will make any sense, I know what lead me here was something called Aphantasia, i am soon to be 43 and had zero idea what I have was this. I believe it is acquired, i still dream, or should i say I have the worst most vivid nightmares ever. Occasionally i experience sudden images flash in my mind just like a flash going off with a photo, its gone as fast as it appeared but the physical impact can be shocking. I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 9, i wont go into the hows and whys of events from childhood to now but I will say there is not many traumas I haven't been through. It is a total misconception that people with Aphantasia are not as emotional, I'm an empath and feel everything a million times stronger to the point I have social anxiety and am agoraphobic. Ive been waiting years for therapy seems im so all over the place with overlapping issues they have zero clue where to start lol. I laugh but its crippling, emotionally, physically, i know im either ADHD or Bipolar or possibly both, also anxiety PTSD and depression. On the plus side, weirdly i have the most creative mind ever, i may not see things in my mind but I can still design, write, create a song, story, poem, my AI designs are like my visual diary, but then sometimes those creative highs vanish over cast with the thickest black gloopy sadness that sucks the life from me where i am irritable, yet cant do anything, a chaotic shambles of over lapping things in my head i need to do so I start one thing then half way through BOOM ill swap to the next and be distracted ny that when su....oh look squirrels!!!! ...you may get what I mean?...we have a zillion things started yet keep starting more then get overloaded. I love the docs answers for this stuff, take pills, take another, screw the fact its making you worse or numbing you, oh wait its not working ok up the dosage, no? ok stop taking it take this one and it goes on and on and on....I have no idea why Im writing this, or if anyone will understand, but im also very aware of the chaos it will scream...my name is Purr, im a 42yr old empathic mother and i guess this is my Chaotic journey...,

Music's sometimes there when we have nothing else

It replaces nightmares when nightmares replace it

Never ask me of my dreams again

If you just wished to strip me of them

Ow

An empty vase lies at my feet

An empty voice for your beats

Gratitude offered

WENDOLYN'S offended

THANKYOU'S

TOO LATE

LOVE YOU'S

TOO TIMID N STRAIGHT

HIS SONG LIKE SILENT RAINDROPS FALL

ON THE EARS OF A NEW DOLL

HIS TRAMP, HIS LADY

EVERMORE

NOT YOUR WHORE

SO QUIETUDE IS HER COMPANION

BOOKS N LORE N MOANFUL SNORE

LIKE SHE NO MORE REVERES THE SUN

IT SHINES NEVERMORE

BLACKBIRDS, CROWZ, RAVENS, N MURDERS

DULCETTE Darlings, Damsels n their Hunters

SWORDS BLOODIED, KNIVES SHARPENED

I SEE

I'm not as good as he

So mend with Whiskey

As the tale unfolds

Truths told in every song

YOUR Arrogance slays but he's AS GOOD

FAITH IN RICHES LOVE N WOOD

IF NOTHING ELSE WE HAVE have we song

YOU MEAN ME HARM AND DO ME WRONG

STOP YOUR SPELL

ITS HARD TO TELL

WHAT SLAVES ENsnare

AND EVIL Angels dare

What Masters save

Would you exoect them to care

And Adored cease to protest what's professed

Cause sometimes our dreams become nightmares

And all love is gone but one

Truth beauty freedom love

Exist differently through time

And if you may think they're from above

Your unbled hearts might not understand this rhyme

I get to know this app from my ex, she told me about it, and I’m worried if she might see what im writing about her, I’m scared from her she might break me more. I’m afraid that she might do something to make me even worse. My ex was very nice. And I used to spoil her and make her the happiest. Once I offer her marriage and she rejected it and she was very angry, she went in one of her accounts to write she promised to replace me. But it didn’t start there, long time before that when we were discussing to be together I told her I’m sensitive person and there is not much left inside me. She called me coward because I was telling how I feel. I didn’t take that as red flag, I continued. She humiliated me all the time after the rejection, even though she hurt me but I decided to be nice and I went to her for her birthday and to fix things, she used to block me thousand times, ghost me, making me cry and disappear, she kept telling me that she is avoidant person and because of adhd she do that and I have to accept it. I actually get confused that the problem is in me, once she was with her family she blocked me one week before my birthday, she was telling me I will bring you something and I was like a kid listening to her, she kept wishing not seeing me and she ask me to go forever away. I was watching all that and I have no power. I was being treated like that for more than 8 months. And what makes me reach the limit she unblock me on my birthday and send one cold message with the word happy birthday as she said as pay back for me being in her birthday, I actually travel a distance for her but it was not enough seems like. I couldn’t answer her message and she said I’m not here to apologize I did and I said what is right. And she blocked me again, I actually at the beginning of our relationship I told her if we argue don’t block me. She said she will not do that, she blocked me and said things to me that can break stones, she even promised to replace me. And one day after my birthday she met a random guy in the train and she gave him her number. And when we talk again after that for the first time in my life I use middle finger to her and I said the f word. She went and told her family and put me as a bad and not respectful person, she wrote things that can break the world, her words were knives to me I wish it was a curse or even middle finger. And it was the first time I wish I also never met her, she kept telling me this all the time. She even used a past story about me I told her against me. She was my first even though I’m 28 now, I was keeping myself safe for long time and I give her me. She destroyed me, and I’m very scared if I talk about this pain inside me to anyone she might do something worse to break me. She kept telling me that everything she do was a reflection of my actions. And I was always trying to be better. But she succeeded now I see myself as the worst person on earth because she said I don’t know how to treat women except my mom and my sister but other than that I’m bad person. She was thereatening me indirectly. And then when I try to speak all fingers goes to me. She left a wound inside me, that since many months I’m getting nightmares sponsored by her, she come every day to my nightmares I don’t sleep well even though we don’t talk anymore. I’m being so scared that she might do something else that will break me more. I told her after this I will be single forever she said to me promise me, I promised her but I take it back, because I can’t survive without a partner and I want to be married, I take my promise back. But when I see the amount of the damage she caused me. And while being far from my family since many years because of wars in my region. She didn’t put that into consideration, she just left me, left while I wanted her to support and what age did is to make me feel guilt if I speak. I’m feeling very sick and I feel that my temperature is very high, I shake out of fear I miss my family, I’m alone in my room, even if she read and knows that I’m alone and in need for help, she will not show up, she has left me alone even though at the end I blocked her, she was surprised that I did blocked her and it was the first time I block someone. I don’t take it back, she hurt me. And kept telling me I don’t know how to treat a women, I used to cook for her and invite her outside. I used to tell her she is the prettiest girl on earth, I used to tell her that she is my type, I used to tell her that she’s my love, I even offered her marriage she rejected it and regret that, but after she abandoned me in my birthday. I don’t think she can be a good wife, she consumed me. And now I’m very scared and I got anxious whenever a girl talk to me, I’m scared they tell me I don’t talk well or I don’t treat women well, I’m scared to be judged. I came to her with my wounds and she collected them and make them heal and then she used a knife and stabbed them with her power. That now I imagine if I see her I might die out of shock because I’m scared from her. She destroyed me and my manhood, I swear that I treated her like queen but I ignored her past, which was the reason she treated me like that, she even called me cheater like her ex, and I was not even doing anything, it’s just her anger towards men she exploded it towards me. She once wrote in her account she will revenge from his generation. He was really bad partner, but she also abused me. She could be the only one who could come and save me now but she might just give me the last knife and kill me. Because of her I decided to take a step and not be with any girl because she convinced me that I’m not a good person. And I can’t tell my mom that a girl was threatening me to replace me.