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The Mighty Chaos called my Head

#Aphantasia #Depression #BipolarDepression #PTSD im not sure what I'm writing here, or if it will make any sense, I know what lead me here was something called Aphantasia, i am soon to be 43 and had zero idea what I have was this. I believe it is acquired, i still dream, or should i say I have the worst most vivid nightmares ever. Occasionally i experience sudden images flash in my mind just like a flash going off with a photo, its gone as fast as it appeared but the physical impact can be shocking. I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 9, i wont go into the hows and whys of events from childhood to now but I will say there is not many traumas I haven't been through. It is a total misconception that people with Aphantasia are not as emotional, I'm an empath and feel everything a million times stronger to the point I have social anxiety and am agoraphobic. Ive been waiting years for therapy seems im so all over the place with overlapping issues they have zero clue where to start lol. I laugh but its crippling, emotionally, physically, i know im either ADHD or Bipolar or possibly both, also anxiety PTSD and depression. On the plus side, weirdly i have the most creative mind ever, i may not see things in my mind but I can still design, write, create a song, story, poem, my AI designs are like my visual diary, but then sometimes those creative highs vanish over cast with the thickest black gloopy sadness that sucks the life from me where i am irritable, yet cant do anything, a chaotic shambles of over lapping things in my head i need to do so I start one thing then half way through BOOM ill swap to the next and be distracted ny that when su....oh look squirrels!!!! ...you may get what I mean?...we have a zillion things started yet keep starting more then get overloaded. I love the docs answers for this stuff, take pills, take another, screw the fact its making you worse or numbing you, oh wait its not working ok up the dosage, no? ok stop taking it take this one and it goes on and on and on....I have no idea why Im writing this, or if anyone will understand, but im also very aware of the chaos it will scream...my name is Purr, im a 42yr old empathic mother and i guess this is my Chaotic journey...,

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My favorite job

During college, I had the best job in the world. I worked at a daycare part time. Unlike studying, it brought an immediacy of experience, physically involving and emotionally gratifying. It nourished my soul. I got paid to fall in love with exquisite little people.

I left for one reason: Money.

Was it worth it? Maybe if I hadn’t had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. The demands of the elementary classroom are not designed for the emotionally unstable. My career mirrored my inner landscape: Successful, creative role model one year; disorganized, struggling failure the next. Two years of subbing. Twenty five years at ten schools teaching five different grades, with consultant roles thrown in. Running a volunteer program fit because of the groundedness of the people who participated.

I was ultimately done in by careless mistakes in a grade book. I still have nightmares about pages of empty lesson plans and surprise observations. I wasn’t made to pore over test data. I was better off wiping tables, stacking cots and reading Dr. Seuss.

Then I got diagnosed: Bipolar, Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD. But it was just the beginning. I had breakdowns. Attempts. Hospitalizations. Bad therapists and disability denials. Finally, the right treatment and recovery, and disability and pension granted.

What if I had stayed at the daycare? Would my trauma be less? Would it be a better fit? Would money even matter? I’ll never know. But if I could work again, that’s where I would go.

Do you have a job that you love? Can you work at all? What would be your dream job? I’d love to hear your stories.

#Bipolar #Depression #GAD #OCD #PTSD

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Ahhh

Music's sometimes there when we have nothing else

It replaces nightmares when nightmares replace it

Never ask me of my dreams again

If you just wished to strip me of them

Ow

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Rhyme

An empty vase lies at my feet

An empty voice for your beats

Gratitude offered

WENDOLYN'S offended

THANKYOU'S

TOO LATE

LOVE YOU'S

TOO TIMID N STRAIGHT

HIS SONG LIKE SILENT RAINDROPS FALL

ON THE EARS OF A NEW DOLL

HIS TRAMP, HIS LADY

EVERMORE

NOT YOUR WHORE

SO QUIETUDE IS HER COMPANION

BOOKS N LORE N MOANFUL SNORE

LIKE SHE NO MORE REVERES THE SUN

IT SHINES NEVERMORE

BLACKBIRDS, CROWZ, RAVENS, N MURDERS

DULCETTE Darlings, Damsels n their Hunters

SWORDS BLOODIED, KNIVES SHARPENED

I SEE

I'm not as good as he

So mend with Whiskey

As the tale unfolds

Truths told in every song

YOUR Arrogance slays but he's AS GOOD

FAITH IN RICHES LOVE N WOOD

IF NOTHING ELSE WE HAVE have we song

YOU MEAN ME HARM AND DO ME WRONG

STOP YOUR SPELL

ITS HARD TO TELL

WHAT SLAVES ENSLAVE

AND EVIL Angels dare

What Masters save

Would you exoect them to care

And Adored cease to protest what's professed

Cause sometimes our dreams become nightmares

And all love is gone but one

Truth beauty freedom love

Exist differently through time

And if you may think they're from above

Your unbled hearts might not understand this rhyme

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I’m very scared. I’m scared from my ex.

I get to know this app from my ex, she told me about it, and I’m worried if she might see what im writing about her, I’m scared from her she might break me more. I’m afraid that she might do something to make me even worse. My ex was very nice. And I used to spoil her and make her the happiest. Once I offer her marriage and she rejected it and she was very angry, she went in one of her accounts to write she promised to replace me. But it didn’t start there, long time before that when we were discussing to be together I told her I’m sensitive person and there is not much left inside me. She called me coward because I was telling how I feel. I didn’t take that as red flag, I continued. She humiliated me all the time after the rejection, even though she hurt me but I decided to be nice and I went to her for her birthday and to fix things, she used to block me thousand times, ghost me, making me cry and disappear, she kept telling me that she is avoidant person and because of adhd she do that and I have to accept it. I actually get confused that the problem is in me, once she was with her family she blocked me one week before my birthday, she was telling me I will bring you something and I was like a kid listening to her, she kept wishing not seeing me and she ask me to go forever away. I was watching all that and I have no power. I was being treated like that for more than 8 months. And what makes me reach the limit she unblock me on my birthday and send one cold message with the word happy birthday as she said as pay back for me being in her birthday, I actually travel a distance for her but it was not enough seems like. I couldn’t answer her message and she said I’m not here to apologize I did and I said what is right. And she blocked me again, I actually at the beginning of our relationship I told her if we argue don’t block me. She said she will not do that, she blocked me and said things to me that can break stones, she even promised to replace me. And one day after my birthday she met a random guy in the train and she gave him her number. And when we talk again after that for the first time in my life I use middle finger to her and I said the f word. She went and told her family and put me as a bad and not respectful person, she wrote things that can break the world, her words were knives to me I wish it was a curse or even middle finger. And it was the first time I wish I also never met her, she kept telling me this all the time. She even used a past story about me I told her against me. She was my first even though I’m 28 now, I was keeping myself safe for long time and I give her me. She destroyed me, and I’m very scared if I talk about this pain inside me to anyone she might do something worse to break me. She kept telling me that everything she do was a reflection of my actions. And I was always trying to be better. But she succeeded now I see myself as the worst person on earth because she said I don’t know how to treat women except my mom and my sister but other than that I’m bad person. She was thereatening me indirectly. And then when I try to speak all fingers goes to me. She left a wound inside me, that since many months I’m getting nightmares sponsored by her, she come every day to my nightmares I don’t sleep well even though we don’t talk anymore. I’m being so scared that she might do something else that will break me more. I told her after this I will be single forever she said to me promise me, I promised her but I take it back, because I can’t survive without a partner and I want to be married, I take my promise back. But when I see the amount of the damage she caused me. And while being far from my family since many years because of wars in my region. She didn’t put that into consideration, she just left me, left while I wanted her to support and what age did is to make me feel guilt if I speak. I’m feeling very sick and I feel that my temperature is very high, I shake out of fear I miss my family, I’m alone in my room, even if she read and knows that I’m alone and in need for help, she will not show up, she has left me alone even though at the end I blocked her, she was surprised that I did blocked her and it was the first time I block someone. I don’t take it back, she hurt me. And kept telling me I don’t know how to treat a women, I used to cook for her and invite her outside. I used to tell her she is the prettiest girl on earth, I used to tell her that she is my type, I used to tell her that she’s my love, I even offered her marriage she rejected it and regret that, but after she abandoned me in my birthday. I don’t think she can be a good wife, she consumed me. And now I’m very scared and I got anxious whenever a girl talk to me, I’m scared they tell me I don’t talk well or I don’t treat women well, I’m scared to be judged. I came to her with my wounds and she collected them and make them heal and then she used a knife and stabbed them with her power. That now I imagine if I see her I might die out of shock because I’m scared from her. She destroyed me and my manhood, I swear that I treated her like queen but I ignored her past, which was the reason she treated me like that, she even called me cheater like her ex, and I was not even doing anything, it’s just her anger towards men she exploded it towards me. She once wrote in her account she will revenge from his generation. He was really bad partner, but she also abused me. She could be the only one who could come and save me now but she might just give me the last knife and kill me. Because of her I decided to take a step and not be with any girl because she convinced me that I’m not a good person. And I can’t tell my mom that a girl was threatening me to replace me.

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I need help

I was mentally abused by my ex, she was really nice also, but she kept blocking me, she even didn’t show up to my birthday. She was gone and she left me with my pain, at the moment whenever I remember what she tell me I start feeling my body aches and that I’m going to vomit and faint. I’m not sure what’s wrong with my body, I’m so scared she might do anything that can break me more. Even though I removed all contacts with her. But I’m worried, she left me many times and at the end I decided to also leave. I’m without my family since many years, because of some reasons I can’t see my family I only call them, I’m also having deadlines and I’m having nightmares. I can’t stop remembering her bad words to me. I’m so scared now I need urgent help to calm. I’m so scared from her even though she respected me and didn’t contact anymore
#MentalHealth

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Rape: An Act of Power and Its Aftermath by Leah Lawrence

This essay discusses the sensitive and potentially distressing topics of rape, sexual violence, and their aftermath. It includes detailed analysis of the psychological motivations behind rapists, the emotional and physical effects on survivors, and societal attitudes surrounding these acts.The purpose of this essay is to raise awareness, challenge misconceptions, and advocate for prevention and support for survivors. However, it may contain material that some readers find triggering or upsetting.Readers are encouraged to proceed with caution, prioritize their well-being, and seek support if needed. If you are a survivor of sexual violence, know that you are not alone, and there are resources available to help you.

The prevalence of rape in our society is both alarming and heartbreaking, leading to profound consequences for survivors, communities, and even the perpetrators themselves. This paper seeks to explore rape as an act of power, rather than one of desire, examining the psychological motivations behind rapists, the lasting effects on survivors, and the societal structures that perpetuate this violence.

My interest in this topic stems from the stark reality of sexual violence in the modern world, where headlines frequently highlight cases that speak to both systemic issues and individual trauma. The constant exposure to these harrowing stories is a sobering reminder of how deeply entrenched sexual violence is in society. Beyond the headlines, the personal accounts of survivors I have encountered underscore the urgent need for understanding, intervention, and prevention.

Rape is more than an isolated act of violence; it reflects deeper issues within a society, such as gender inequality, entitlement, and the normalization of aggressive behaviors. Expounding on this topic is not only an academic endeavor but a moral imperative to challenge the culture that enables such violence. Furthermore, this research seeks to provide insights that can inform policies, advocacy, and support systems for survivors. By addressing this topic holistically, we can contribute to a more empathetic and informed approach to combating sexual violence.

Rape as an Act of Power

Contrary to common misconceptions, rape is not primarily about sexual attraction or desire. Rather, it is a deliberate act of asserting power and control over another individual. This understanding is crucial in dismantling myths that perpetuate rape culture and in addressing the root causes of sexual violence.

Research by Groth and Birnbaum (1979) categorizes rapists into distinct psychological profiles, including power rapists, anger rapists, and sadistic rapists. Power rapists, the most prevalent category, commit sexual violence to dominate and control their victims. Their actions often stem from feelings of inadequacy or a desire to assert superiority. For them, the act of rape is a means of compensating for a perceived lack of power in other areas of their lives.

In contrast, anger rapists are motivated by rage and hostility, often directed at women or individuals they perceive as vulnerable. Their assaults are characterized by excessive violence and an intent to degrade and humiliate their victims. Sadistic rapists, though less common, derive pleasure from inflicting pain and suffering, combining sexual arousal with cruelty.

Understanding these motivations underscores that rape is rarely impulsive or purely sexual. It is a calculated act designed to dehumanize and assert dominance over the victim. This dynamic is further reinforced by societal norms that excuse or downplay sexual violence. For instance, rape culture often normalizes aggressive male behavior, blames victims for their assaults, and perpetuates the idea that men are entitled to control over women’s bodies. These societal attitudes create an environment where rape is not only tolerated but enabled.

Rape as an act of power also manifests in specific contexts, such as during wartime, where it is weaponized to demoralize communities and assert control over enemy populations. This further highlights the role of dominance and subjugation in sexual violence, demonstrating that it is less about individual attraction and more about systemic power dynamics.

Aftermath of Sexual Violence

The impact of rape on survivors is profound, affecting their physical, emotional, and psychological well-being. While the physical injuries may heal with time, the emotional scars often persist, influencing every aspect of a survivor's life.

Survivors frequently experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), characterized by flashbacks, nightmares, hyper-vigilance, and avoidance behaviors. These symptoms can disrupt daily functioning, making it difficult for survivors to engage in work, relationships, and other activities. Anxiety and depression are also common, often compounded by feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame.

The societal response to survivors further exacerbates these challenges. Victim-blaming narratives, such as questioning what the survivor was wearing or implying they provoked the assault, create an environment where survivors feel silenced and unsupported. This stigma can deter survivors from seeking help, leaving them to navigate their trauma in isolation.

Additionally, the legal system often fails to provide the closure survivors need. Courtroom proceedings can be retraumatizing, as survivors are required to recount their experiences in detail while facing skepticism and scrutiny. The low conviction rates for rape cases further erode survivors' trust in the justice system, reinforcing feelings of powerlessness and despair.

The aftermath of sexual violence also impacts survivors’ relationships, as they may struggle with intimacy, trust, and communication. The ripple effects extend to their families, friends, and communities, creating a broader web of pain and disruption.

On the other hand, examining the psychological states of rapists reveals patterns of entitlement, lack of empathy, and unresolved anger. Many perpetrators rationalize their actions, minimizing their impact or blaming the victim. Addressing these psychological states is essential for rehabilitation and preventing recidivism, as understanding the root causes of such behavior can inform more effective interventions.

Rape, as explored throughout this paper, is far more than an act of sexual desire. It is a calculated act of power, designed to assert control and dominance over the victim. The psychological and emotional consequences of sexual violence are profound and long-lasting, deeply impacting both survivors and perpetrators. By acknowledging that rape is a weapon of power rather than desire, we can begin to dismantle harmful misconceptions and challenge the structures that perpetuate rape culture.

In examining the psychological dynamics of rapists, it becomes evident that addressing this behavior requires more than simply criminalizing the act. Prevention efforts must focus on addressing the emotional and societal underpinnings of sexual violence, including entitlement, anger, and narcissism. Furthermore, the psychological effects on survivors necessitate comprehensive support systems that go beyond legal remedies to include trauma-informed care, counseling, and education on consent and healthy relationships.

Rape's aftermath often leaves survivors grappling with feelings of shame, anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. These effects ripple through every aspect of their lives, altering their sense of safety, trust, and self-worth. Similarly, society's lack of empathy and understanding can perpetuate stigma, which further silences. Through education and open conversations, we can work to change these perceptions and create spaces where survivors feel empowered to heal.Rape is a societal issue that require #rapeawareness , #MentalHealth

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Hope

Note: The following post is written from a Christian perspective. As such, it may not speak to everyone.

In 2018, we lost our house to a fire. It was terrible, but there was a silver lining. Insurance paid for a brand new home on our lot. At the time, I was really struggling with my mental health. But I was positive that a new setting would transform my outlook.

That didn’t happen. I was still depressed and anxious. I didn’t stop suffering from agoraphobia, psychotic panic, nightmares, self hatred, and an overwhelming sense of dread every single morning. Yes, the house was beautiful, but I was miserable.

The thing is, I tried. I took medication and had group and individual therapy. I prayed and listened to worship music. I went to church. I went out with friends, even when it was torture. I wrote gratitude lists. And it seemed to take forever, but things finally turned around. But it was anything but instantaneous.

There are scripture verses and passages that remind me to not let go of the expectation that God WILL hear my cries for help. I’ve developed a stubbornness about seeking Him until I have an answer. And when He doesn’t answer, I still seek Him. And keep seeking Him. It may not happen in my timing, but I absolutely know it must.

When Job lost everything, his wife told him to curse God and die. He refused, saying that he would follow Him in spite of his dreadful circumstances. Job 13:15 says, “Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.” Eventually, his life was completely restored.

In Genesis 32:26, an unnamed man wrestled with Jacob all night long. When the man asked to be released at daybreak, Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” God changed Jacob’s name to Israel, because “You have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

In Luke 18, there was a widow who repeatedly asked for help from an unjust judge who freely admitted that he didn’t fear God or care about people. But she wore him down with her persistence, and he finally gave her the justice she sought. Luke 18:7 concludes, “And will not God bring about justice for His chosen ones, who cry out to Him day and night?”

Finally, Matthew 7:7 says, “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”

Years ago, I decided to build a porch in front of my house. I needed to cut pieces of wood to fit, and all I had was a hand saw. A table saw would have been much faster and cut more cleanly. But I sawed away, even though it seemed to take forever. At some point, I knew that the wood would give way. I just had to keep sawing.

Some people seem to have been given a table saw. They glide effortlessly through life, without the burden of wondering how to survive the day. But those of us laboring with a hand saw can get there, too. The porch was built. We used it every day. It was built because the laws of physics dictated that the wood was ultimately no match for a humble little hand saw that kept going.

If you don’t give up, spiritual laws promise that you will eventually get free of a mental prison that seems inescapable. Tell God that you’re not letting go until He blesses you. The good news is that He delights in healing His children. He heard my cry, and I know He’ll hear yours.

#Bipolar #Depression #GAD # OCD # PTSD

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Stepping out of my comfort zone

So here goes my very first post. My name is Marie I'm from Ohio! I deal with OCD PTSD P-DEPRESSION ANXIETY AND EATING DISORDER AND THYROID ISSUES. I want to be normal. My counselor said what is normal I said I don't know but I want to be normal so I'm not dealing with flashback of my past trauma which start at the age of 5 all the way up to 28years old I'm 33 now. It from sexual to physical and emotional. I got counselor, I'm in IOP and I got a case manager soon. But I want to manage life without looking behind my back 24/7 I don't want to be scared to leave my house by myself. And I want nightmares to stop. With that being said I don't sleep but maybe 3 hours a night. I can not be on any sleeping meds because I have tried to opt out with them so I'm flag with them. Which is fine I don't want them. I don't even want to be on meds at all. But I'm trying to see who been threw some similar things to see how they cope or what helped them. I will be sharing bits and pieces here and there but thank you for taking time to read this.
Much ❤️

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Dizzy from doctors 🥼

Hey. I’ll try to keep this short as it’s way too much if I go into details.
2 years ago began the start of the newest problems.
August 2024, they increased and got worst at a way faster rate.

Diagnosis:
Vitiligo
Recurrent staph/MRSA/cellulitis
Folliculitis/Eczema/Prurigo Nodularis
Anemia (most of my life)
Thickened endometrium
Hormone imbalances
Migraines
Spinal injuries
Mental health (ptsd/severe anxiety/depression)
Chronic swollen throat/tonsils/lymph nodes
Sinusitis
Chronic dry cough
Low BP
Recent deviated septum
Fatigue, malaise
Body aches/weakness
Carpal tunnel
Skin intolerance to hot/cold
Recurrent UTI’s
Fibromyalgia
Recurrent ear infections / ear staph
Eustachian tube dysfunction
Hearing loss
Uterine fibroids & cysts
Memory loss
ADHD
Severe Insomnia with nightmares
IBS/GERD
TMJ/Bruxism

Not yet diagnosed:
Raynauds (2 almost constantly blue toe nails, recently started in second, 1st has been present last two years off and on)
Chronic chills
Brittle nails
Hair loss (possibly medication related)

Recent testing:
A few genetic tests
Allergy testing
Several autoimmune panels

Current additional issues:
Oral thrush (due to long term antibiotic usage - close to four months now)
Ear pressure/fullness along with dark red/purple spot inside filled with liquid ? Also spots of white appearing pus that pop to drain
— can’t handle loud noise or cold air currently. Severe ear itching.
Eye itch and redness (not pink eye)
Muscle weakness and twitching - minimal long-term control in arm muscles

Pending:
Additional testing
Meeting hematology
CT of neck/throat/nose
Hysterectomy (paused until healthy)

Immediate Family history of:
Lupus (blood work shows low middle numbers not high enough to diagnose)
Celiac (ruled out by endo/colonoscopy)
Psoriasis
RA (ruled out by blood work)
Heart issues

All I can say is yes, I’m in pain. And yes, I’m exhausted. And frustrated. I’m not a crier and all I do is start crying all the time. I have 4 kids and I can’t be the best for them. I am failing everywhere in life and I just need to get this fixed or someone to finally step in and help because I can’t keep declining like this.

I am a veteran. I have little say in my health care. I can’t get a second opinion. Getting a rheumatologist seems to be impossible despite numerous doctors telling me I should see rheumatology. I’m feeling so defeated. If I could at least narrow things down it would help so much, so I could share my research with my doctors. I have several things on my list but I need to get a really good list. Please help if you can think of what may be causing all of this.

Thank you.

*** I would share many more pictures if I could 💕

#chronichealth #Pain #hurting #mother #Veteran #Desperate #pleaselisten #sick #someonegetmedrhouse #illeventakethegoofysidekickguy #ijustwanttofeelbetter #helpme #Genetics #hematology #labs #Skin #Dermatology #IBS #GERD #autoimmune #Disorder #PTSD #Fibro #Rheumatology

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