Yeaterday night was so hard for me. I had panic attack which was so bad that i was literally gonna hurt myself again something i didn’t do for a long time. Cause i don’t want to hurt myself. I know how much pain i have endured. But,that time my mind wasn’t working. I again had suicidal thoughts. I was continuously looking at my medicines. Also i had knife. I don’t know what i wanted to do. I wanted to give up all on a sudden. Actually my mother told me something that triggered my anxiety so badly that i was pulling my hair so harshly and all. I felt i can't breathe and everything was suffocating me. I had to call my aunt someone who is very supportive and she is with me from the very beginning. I couldn’t even hold the phone properly. My hands were shaking. I hit my hand on the wall hard which is still hurting.. Then i somehow abke to calm down. She helped me to calm down. I am glad that i called her otherwise i don’t know what i would have done. After talking to her, i tried to sleep. Whenever i try to sleep, i feel something is piercing my heart.. And the whole night i had terrible nightmares. I didn’t wake up from the bed cause i was feeling so bad. Also i knew i can't stay without talking to my mother cause she is the only one who is goona do everything for me.. And after that,she was also crying.. I have seen my mother crying with me everything i cried. She is the one who has seen my suffering so closely. So,whatever happens,i know she is there for me .. So she is the one. Yes,she is. I just talked to her crying and she was also crying. I knew she would do that. She said she would do anything for me and i know she really meant it. After talking to her, i feel much better. I can't stay angry at her cause if i door talk to her,then i can never be okay.. And i am glad having my mother and my aunt beside me.. They are my safe place. They are the one who are with me and goona be with me always. Also yesterday i did something. My sister,she always told me that if you weren’t like this,it would have been better. She never understood.. I never got to talk to her about my pain cause i was afraid of her judmental words. But, i wrote my feelings, how much i suffered and everything. Also told her if you ever find someone like me,then never tell them something like this. Yeah, i expressed my feelings. I did. It made me feel good. We all need a chance to share our feelings acuse only we know how much sufferings and pains we are going through. It’s up to then they will understand or not. But, we got our right to speak for ourselves against all these judgements.. Yeah, we do.. #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SuicidalThoughts