Nightmares

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    Community Voices

    Some hard answers

    I lost my first military husband a very many years ago. I had questions after reading the Casulty Report which indicated all was mechanical and no one was at fault. I learned some new truths.

    Warning: Possibly Triggering for Some

    My husband was required to fly with his squadron’s CO. I learned new information from eyewitness that the CO had an argument with the Quality Control Chief about the aircraft he had gotten ready to take off when it had been “downed”. All of a sudden the CO and 2 crew members ran to the jet, fired it up and it was airborne “faster then a cat could lick it (behind)”, without using more than a third of the runway. The eye witness said he’d never seen that type of aircraft take to the air that quickly before. Another said the CO earlier was known to aircraft that others wouldn’t fly and would put aircraft and crew at unnecessary risk. He switched to a new crew because of it. All this was not in the report. There was problems while flying over the oceans 20 min into the flight which he reported, yet he refused to turn back, even though buried in the Casulty report the same part, dealing with the aircraft’s hydraulics and electrics downed for carrier use, at that point in flight were one of the two were in jeopardy. He continued on to destination flying over the wide expansive ocean. By the time they were 20 min from destination the radar saw them in what indicated a power dive they plummeting so fast into the deepest water in the world that the aircraft and nor debris from it or those abroad were found. The report said something catastrophic must have happened prior.

    This was an aircraft that had the ability to glide 15 minutes without any power. They were 20 minutes out from being home. The weather and ocean conditions and equipment made it survivable. The search was 24/7 then called off.

    I’m thankful someone tried to stop the CO. I’m upset that his choices hadn’t been curbed before. It cost 9 lives including his own, my husband, and our families having to go the rest of our lives without them. It is a terrible lose and consequences. I’ve had days after learning more about this were I felt inner panic at about 10 pm. I started rocking myself and a few days later tried tapping mostly over my heart. I don’t know what I was doing but it helped. I had one of my old nightmares return of being rejected though I know that is not true. I’ve prayed and the nightmare hasn’t come back so far. I had them on and off for ten years after my husband died, until I got counseling. I should have done that sooner. It was when they came closer and closer together that I sought help. I’m thankful for a place to type this out. Maybe it to will help me process. I don’t seem to have the words for my feelings that that panic convaded in my body.

    Those others in the Squadron during that time many still reeling from those events as well. It made International news then and the only Squardon Commander to lose his life. Never do schedule before safety. Safety first, then schedule.

    If you’ve read this far thank you for reading. #traumatic grief #ComplicatedGrief

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    Community Voices

    Ptsd getting worse

    I have a lot on my plate right now and as a result I'm having nightmares and night terrors. I'm having trouble with my insurance so I am unable to see my therapist. I don't like it when things like that are out of my control. I have a hard time coping and as a result it triggers my ptsd .I can't focus and mybrain will not process what people say help

    Community Voices

    Something I wrote about a month ago ….

    Shattered Pieces

    Time stood still. Lost. Blinking. Breathing? Alive? Talking. Crying. Talking. Anger. Alive? Time stood still. Pausing. No! Don’t sit next to me. Get away from me! Shattered pieces everywhere. Suspended up in the air. Pieces of me scattered. Threats. Yelling. Pushing. Time stood still. Running. Darkness. Fumbling. Shaking. Swerving. Panic. Fear. Not safe. Keep watching! Hard to think. Where do I go?! Friend. Safe. Breathe. Time standing still. Lost. Police. Pain coming back! All the things he did!!! People who didn’t want to listen. People who didn’t want to understand. Isolated. Alone. No one understands. Fear. Flashbacks. Shut it all out. Can’t function can’t think. I keep trying but I can’t. Everyone left. Can’t sleep. Nightmares. Flashbacks. Crying. Dissociation. Can’t leave the house. Watching, always watching for you. Everywhere. No matter where I go there you are. I am not safe anywhere. You let him go? Time stood still. I was falling so fast. How could you let him go after what he did to me?!?!?!? No. No more. So much pain. No one around. I fell so fast. I knew it was over. Looking out the window at the street far below. Jump. Just jump. There was nothing left. The fight in me fell away. All the pain rose up like a huge wave. I fell to my knees. Grief. Talk to a friend. Talk to God. Lots of pills. Waiting for peace. Finally happy. Really tired. Slipping away. Hoping for forever. Darkness. Bridge. Crickets. Dogs. Police. Couldn’t keep my eyes open. Goodbyes. Peace. Awake? Awake?!?!?? NO!!!!!!!! Anger. So much anger. I shouldn’t be here! I don’t want to be here!!!!! Got to finish this now! Find a way. Find a way. Get the fuck out of here! Stop breathing. Stop breathing!!!!!!!!!!!!! Close my eyes. I don’t want to be here!!! Police. Fucking police. Why the hell were they still around? I was supposed to be dead. Don’t look for someone who is already dead. Nothing to save. You talk I don’t listen. Who cares what I took? Leave me the fuck alone. So out of it, hitting me in waves. Ambulance? What for? Emergency room. People. Don’t fucking touch me!!! So much talking. So tired. I don’t care. Just leave me alone.

    05/22/22

    Community Voices

    Afraid to close my eyes

    <p>Afraid to close my eyes</p>
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    Community Voices

    The Loud Destruction

    Initally I didn't know what to call it it. But I remembered the first time I felt it. I hated the way it made me feel but still, I couldn't let people know that I had held it. It weakened me, but I refused to let people see the weak in me. I felt like it was eating me up from the inside out. And it made me want to tear the uneasiness from the insides out. Constantly having to deal with these monsters, where they seem to be winning this fight of destruction. Anxiety building with constant nightmares, with all around to stare. Laughter coming from the monsters, who just stand there, weighing me down without any care. All those lies bringing me down, where I can't seem to arise from what's above. Insecurities on display, where I can't seem to crush them down. This constant battle is all I've known for. Tearing me up inside, I feel constricted, where my veins are squeezing, my stomach is in knots, my nerves are out of whack, where does this end? My stomach is beating faster and faster, my brain is increasingly stimulating like crazy, but the monsters don't seem to care. All they seem to care is the constant lies that springs out of them, making me feel like I'm the victim of the destructed dooms. The dooms that cause loud kabooms inside my head.

    The monsters tell me that they are my friend, that they'll be with me, around every bend. But all they speak out is the things that I have fears of. Claiming that if I fail, consequences will be severe. And when I hear those sounds of kabooms, that's what everything spins and the torture begins. The monsters wakes me up at night, making my chest feel bounded and tight, robbing my sleep, sharply interrupting things I wish to keep. The words they say, distressed and oppresses me, where the peace is ripped away and I'm replaced with the unrest. My confidence is erased and my breath is out of place. Everything that I hoped for, falls away. My dreams and desires, they rot and decay. The monsters make me feel sharply alert and painfully aware of every moment and memory of despair. They remind me that no one cares, that my body and mind is beyond repair. I'm robbed of rationality, driven by their brutality of their presence. They keep pleading me for their attention, yet I know of their reality of their invasion is constricted. Even though they try to get under my skin, they will never win, because they are the dooms of my destruction.

    2 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    At 4 years old, I would cry myself to sleep because the children were starving in Africa. I'm a highly sensitive person.

    <p>At 4 years old, I would cry myself to sleep because the children were starving in Africa. I'm a highly sensitive person.</p>
    8 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    My brain has finally gone quiet

    Hello! I have ADHD which is quite severe. If I had to describe ADHD it would be a browser with 50 tabs open and one's playing music, one is talking, one has an advertisement going, and the rest would all be irrelevant information running through my head. But I finally found a way to quiet the endless buzzing and racing thoughts in my head. And it's been so incredibly helpful with falling asleep at night. It's brown noise. In case no one knows what that is I'll explain. It's kinda like a mixture between rain and tv static. But what it does is it completely quiets my brain because my brain is so focused on that one sound going on around me. It was to be loud enough though so it drowns everything out. It's even reduced my night terrors I get because of my c-ptsd. I did a little research on ways to reduce nightmares caused by trauma and thought I'd try the brown noise as a way to sort of drown out my thoughts but it's completely quieted it. I highly encourage anyone out there to try it. Especially at night if you deal with insomnia or nightmares. Anyways that's my new found coping skill.

    #ADHD #Nightmares #CPTSD #Insomnia #Anxiety

    1 person is talking about this
    Community Voices

    Trust No More

    Trust. Boundaries. Such buzzwords these days. But what is one to do when trust is necessary for survival yet reasonably nowhere to be found?

    I grew up overly trusting. Naive. A people pleaser. Yet it didn’t take long for me to lose my trust completely. It started at the end of June one year. By the 8th of July it was gone entirely.

    The last straw were the words that continue to echo in my head, “Are you sure you want to ruin a man’s life?”

    But let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

    I had fallen into a routine, one that you wouldn’t typically think a person could get used to. A routine of ending up in the psychiatric hospital, getting out, going back, repeat, repeat, repeat. Not your normal routine but people can get used to some pretty abnormal things. Especially people who aren’t exactly “normal” themselves. Those of us who are “certified crazy”. Legally disabled by severe #MentalHealth . Schizoaffective #BipolarDisorder in my case.

    The routine had been cycling for over a year. I went from books and classes and dorm parties to meds and doctors and a very different sort of dormitory. You would think someone diagnosed with bipolar would have more ups, but it was 18 months and the suicidal #Depression had no end in sight. Even after getting electricity pulsed through my brain eight times I still wanted to die. I had idea why I wanted to die. There was no trigger, no real reason why life didn’t seem worth living – yet I still craved death day in and day out.

    It was a voluntary admission this time. So to me that meant I wasn’t 100% suicidal. It was a step up but I still felt unsafe with myself. I still felt unsafe with my thoughts. I knew I couldn’t be left alone.

    So, I admitted myself once again. The intake was always the worst, being asked the same hundred questions about your history and health that they asked you last time. Little did I know, as I answered, was that this hospitalization was going to end far differently than ever before. It was going to end with police officers and detectives.

    It was a two week hospitalization this time. The memories are fuzzy due to the after effects of the electroconvulsive shock therapy from my last stay, but I remember wandering the halls, coloring books, new medications, a sweet roommate who was struggling with bulimia, and visits from my mom and sister.

    It isn’t something that is very clear in my mind and I’d like to keep it that way. The blame. The shame. The #Trauma . Yet still, 9 years later I suffer from #Nightmares . The thing that continues to affect me the most though is the lack of trust I now have while receiving treatment for my #SchizoaffectiveDisorder .

    It’s hard to trust mental health professionals when one of them repeatedly sexually harassed and eventually raped you.

    It’s hard to trust mental health professionals when one of them tried to make it seem like you were a consenting party (even though that’s legally and ethically not possible).

    It’s hard to trust mental health professionals when the police come and try to discourage you to report and say, “Are you sure you want to ruin a man’s life?” followed by the hospital staff not even asking you if you are okay after it.

    I stood my ground. I ignored their disbelief. I said what I had to say. I’m still shocked I was able to be so strong.

    Sometimes people say that I’m “lucky” that my rapist went to jail (for a short while). Even though I know I got more justice than most survivors do, it still hurts. I’m not lucky to have PTSD nightmares. I’m not lucky to have a hard time trusting my therapists and psychiatrist. I’m not lucky to fear going to the psychiatric hospital even when I’m in a psychotic and/or suicidal state.

    The trauma I experienced when I sought help – as we are taught to do – has in turn affected my ability to fully get the help I need. To be able to fully be truthful with my treatment team is, all these years later, a battle.

    A battle I am slowly winning. Slow and steady. Here I go

    5 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    I feel like my life been depression!

    What do you do when you have fear, anxiety and depression with suicidal thoughts almost on a regular basis. Been raised being told your handicapped and worthless. Ignored by family members and not accepted by them. Lies being told by your own parent so others will distance themselves from you, even family. I had once thought I had finally had a big change in my life an life would be better. Only to lose someone who made a difference to suicide. That brought it all back even worse than before, feeling I had no right to exist. Nightmares, suicide attempts, heart attacks and more physical ailments. I don't know why or what I am doing. I still put up a face an tell others what they want to hear. When I try to get out there, I only get lied too, stolen from an used. I just want to be away from everyone an trying to deal day to day.

    3 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    A nightmare

    Had a nightmare: A bunch of doctors are going to open my skull and do some brain surgery. They gave me something to sleep but I couldn’t sleep. I heard the sound of the saw cutting into my skull, but I don’t feel the pain.

    Been having a lot of nightmares recently.

    #depression #anxiety #socialanxiety#anxietydisorder #socialanxietydisorder #dependentpersonalitydisorder #paranoidpersonalitydisorder #avoidantpersonalitydisorder #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #psychosis #psychoticdisorder #delusionaldisorder #autismspectrumdisorder #mentalhealth #selfcare #memes

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