Realizing I am in over my head
Still trying to figure out this app and how to get my posts seen, but now I have hashtags!
I feel very fragile today. I think that I might have had a flashback lastnight and I am trying to come to terms with this. They started around a year ago but I dont think the trauma that caused them is from then. Instead, it was probably retraumatization.
It was scary. I didnt know what was going on and my body was filled with adrenaline. I hope I never experience it again but I know that I will. Right now I am not in a place in my life where I can afford to have this happening to me, but it did anyways. It's scary as I am now very far from family and doubley scary because I realize they caused this. So, I am not sure they would help nowadays.
I dont usually feel sorry for myself but I do right now. I am in a hole of insecurity and distrust towards the world because the retraumatizing event that catalyzed these fearful experiences also made me loathe others. Before lastnight I had begun to come to terms with the fact that I dont trust my family anymore, and it may have had something to do with the ease with which I felt this event lastnight. It is possible that most of my life I had found ways to avoid these feelings internally, or experience them in some alternative fashion, and now they are in full bloom for me to deal with at this moment.
My head was spinning and aching at the same time, my mouth ran dry and I felt surrounded on all sides. It felt like I was being attacked by my own body and I couldn't stop thinking about the innocuous stimulus that caused this. It grew to a shocking intensity and over 3 to 5 hours began to settle after I took some benadryl to sleep. Then, in the middle of my sleeping I felt it again and thank God that it was less bad this time. I had nightmares all night and they were filled with this combination of loneliness, fear, and abject failure.
As I woke up I heard what my dreams were telling me in the night and the dream-people who tortured me said they didnt realize I was such a weak failure. Since it was right on the edge of my dreaming and awakeness it stuck with me. The thing I am calling a flashback, I am not totally sure as I am no expert, dragged on in the form of mildly shaking, more fear, self hatred, and thoughts spiraling out of control. As this awful thing kept rolling and I kept accidentally spurring it on by reminding myself of the triggering stimulus, I finally realized it was this thing I had also experienced months ago.
It makes a lot of sense now, if these things I have begun experiencing are flashbacks. The worst of them all so far was about a year ago now. I was so afraid that my legs picked me up and walked me to another location, a park. It was very dream-like and I remember watching myself walk under not-my own control, shocked by what was happening. The fear I felt that day was monumental, so much so that I was in more of a dissociated state rather than what happened lastnight.
I have not felt right all day and I am glad in some sense that it was the weekend. It ruined my Sunday, but that's a small price to pay to get a day to recover. I found this app because I had to call a crisis line today sometime after I woke up. I didnt know what to do and felt very alone in the world. If anyone read this up to this sentence I appreciate it! It has been a surprisingly hard day and I feel very fragile like I just had surgery, which is not how I am used to feeling.
This sudden realization that I am not invulnerable is a good thing and a bad thing. My parents, who I believe also have deep traumas, never act vulnerable. Maybe their way of dealing with trauma is shedding from me like a dead, thick skin and I can face whatever causes this in me, unlike them.
Have a good day, please.
Mega super sensitive
I must be mega super sensitive because I have found I've been crying so much lately and I know I am easily triggered by a lot of things right now but it still just makes me feel so useless. I used to be a lot stronger than this. My therapist is away until the 4th October and I'm trying my hardest even although I didn't have the guts last 2 sessions to say just how low I feel. Nightmares and worries and stress in general is just causing me to feel really low along with feelings of shame and just generally feeling worthless. I know I have to try but there is very little ways to turn right now for various reasons. I sometimes wish my mind could shut off just for a wee while and I could wake up again. Not do all this every single day... #SocialAnxiety #ChronicDepression #SuicidalIdeation #Therapy
I arrived at treatment facility in Florida this morning, they have had me just rest up in my private room today and put my belongings away. I do appreciate that I'm allowed my laptop and phone, not like I have anyone to call anymore but I can still reach out here. I had dinner about 30min ago it was good a nice grilled chicken salad. I also get to go to the beach tomorrow afternoon after morning routine and meeting therapist. So that's nice the beach reminds me of my grandma who I miss dearly. I am really going to apply myself while I'm here which I was told 30 days but found out could be longer ugh. Hey not like home sounds great right now anyway. So I hope I can sleep well tonight and no sleep walking or nightmares. I hope everyone has a restful peaceful night. #TheMighty #Anxiety #Depression #CPTSD #Selfharm #incestsurvivor #childtrafficsurvivor #Nightmares
I have always had very vivid dreams and nightmares. They wake me up and usually I am replaying something that happened in the past. An event. A person from past times. I sometimes can look back on the previous day and find a link, but most of the time the memories are there for no reason I can figure out. #PTSD #dreams #Memories #Dementia
Do you experience vivid nightmares?
Do you have trouble sleeping due to flashbacks?
* trigger warning*
As a child I was molested by my best friend’s brother while he thought I was sleeping, it happened serveral nights. I laid there, frozen, not knowing what else to do. To this day I’m still unable to sleep unless my lower body is covered and against a wall and even then I toss and turn all night, scared, on high alert. I even have nightmares frequently where he takes it further. #PTSD #Flashbacks #Molested #Abuse #ChildAbuse #SexualAbuse
Is this not normal that I do this ? I see triggger warning an I stop for a second then continue an read or watch a video of it or whatever it is that’s being said shown I have a fear of driving due to a violent car accident I was in as a teen , yet I drive because it’s how I feel safe I don’t enjoy not driving unless they very safe drivers an I get worried at that . But I drive , I also have nightmares about it but I’ll read about similar situations cause I’m curious.
I have issues with driving an a few other things that I’m not comfortable saying one had sex involved not rape but still very traumatized by it it hurt me remembering what happened to me , yet I will still read about it instead of hide from it . I often think that this will help me to learn to live with myself an what has happened in my life so far an to accept the type of person I have become due to it . Does anyone else do this ? Or am I a weirdo who thinks wrong and is going about the healing process wrong ?
I assume to myself that I do this because inside my heart 💜 I know that these things will never change an that I will most likely never actually forget , so I assume that if I can learn to accept them , an live with them , as in accepting who I am and what I became cause of the things that I did or that were done to harm me . If I can do that I might just find peace in my life again kinda like when I was young growing up life was so fun easy no worries no hate no anger an the feeling of being innocent 😇 which is such a at peace feeling that I’ll find that feeling again kinda like getting a new drug free body after having lives in a body that used everyday for decades that body doesn’t even taste food much the stomach always hurts cause of the drugs am well a new body is cool am I can’t make a new one so I’m trying to accept me an what I got .
Hello everyone I am a bit stressed 😩 I have been having trouble sleeping for some time now it started with a back injury I lost a little sleep then the injury worsened and the pain started nerve pain I believe well bye to sleep is what happened I would knock out for a few hours on opiates then wake up in pain I was getting like 1-4 a night if that well I had an operation the intense pain went away but left me living with chronic pain . It took like two years after the surgery for the intense pain to completely stop because of it being from a nerve is what I was told . And well I’m still struggling to fall asleep , I’m tired 🥱 and when I crash out I wake either from nightmares or discomfort due to the chronic pain does anyone have any tricks that help a person fall asleep? I use that sleep tea or warm milk I tried music a shower helps if I take a quick one an straight to bed but I wake within half an hour cause of discomfort. Such a bummer sometimes