Nightmares

CW for abuse, trauma, grief, and suicidal ideation. And since this post has adult topics, 18+ please
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I'm going through what is unequivocally the most difficult period of my life. I've been through a lot, including abuse of all kinds, losses and deaths in the family, and many heartbreaks and disappointments. But this right here, right now, is the worst period of my life. I can say this with certainty. I'm actively suicidal, with a plan, timeframe, intent, etc. But before you tell me to ask a professional for help with that, please know I just was hospitalized for it this month, and it was one of the scariest things I went through. It was violent, inhumane, and traumatizing. I get nightmares about it and sometimes if I see something that reminds me or it, I feel terrified. I will never, ever tell a professional I'm suicidal again. Not while being on Medicaid, at least.

I had been struggling for a long time. One of my particular issues are a terrible response to childhood and adult trauma. For whatever reason, perhaps to gain a sense of safety, security, or control, or love, I seek out abusive men and abusive dynamics. I only do this when I have lost my footing and I'm desperate for all these things — me as I write this post. I've been doing this for years. I guess it feels safe to me. Control feels like protection, abuse feels like love. I feel the weight of the whole world on my shoulders, and I'm desperate to escape having to control everything. I felt safety with my ex who hurt me, and I don't. So, one struggle I can't stop struggling with is retraumatizing myself and exposing myself to more abuse. I've been doing this since I was thirteen. But really, I've been engaging in this behavior without knowing it since I was in first grade. I'll never forget asking my sisters how they would leave me and abandon me, because somehow being hurt made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Do you see how fucking broken I am? I try to fight against it, but this happens time and time again. It's part of the reason I want to take my life, and plan to act on that..

So, I meet a person, my now ex and still current FP, and he gives this abusive dynamic. But he also gives me love. Love, support, safety, and the most kindness I've ever received from an intimate partner. He intentionally made himself to be an FP of mine (he told me). At first, we were repeating this very abusive dynamic, but then he stopped and no longer wanted to hurt me. After trepidation and protests, I eventually accepted that. And I grew to even want the healing, non abusive love he gave me. I loved him with all my heart, and he loved me. He no longer even wanted to hurt me. He just wanted to love me. I felt so loved, and I was okay with that. For a while, I stopped seeking out abuse, from him, and from anyone else. I wanted to marry him. He told me I was his soulmate, that he would protect me, that I was his special goose. I sought out love and safety and a foundation in this person. I thought everything was okay...but then he tells me no longer wants to be with me...it was heart wrenching. It shattered me. It hurt me so much. It broke my heart because I thought he felt the same as I did...he used to love me, so why didnt he love me any more? Why was I suddenly not worthy anymore? What did I do wrong? He cited it to values. I start looking at all the ways I'm not enough, how my values aren't enough, where I went wrong. Was it because I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, suddenly? Is it because I became Christian? Is it because I'm not acting like I used to, very promiscuous? Is it because you can't hurt me anymore?

But whatever...he continues to treat me like he's my partner still, even though we are friends. He tells me he loves me, he calls me his goose, we talk about the future things we will do together — how we will visit Oxford and his home town and all these things. I want more, but I'm able to pretend we are together because he's treating me like a partner anyways.

He leaves on a week long vacation with his "lesbian" ex, who he waxes lyrical "She's a lesbian" "It's okay if I stay in an Airbnb with her. She's a lesbian. We only dated for a week, eight years ago " and I tell him it hurts me, but I can't control him...

But then he suddenly and point blankly tells me that she suddenly isn't gay anymore and they fell in love with each other. By text. I woke up, and the day was normal. It was sunny, I had just gotten out of a crisis and was looking forward to a hopeful future. And then he slams that on me. So, I'm scrambling...what do I do? How do I navigate the fact that I wasn't prepared for this loss? How do I navigate the fact that he's still my FP? What about the fact he treated me like his partner until now? How do I handle what feels like a betrayal? How do I leave him to protect my dignity? How do I handle the rage inside me? Because truthfully, and I'm speaking candidly here, I've never had this much anger and wrath towards an individual in many, many years. How do I navigate the fact that there's two sides wrestling within me now? There's a part that wants to be kind, forgiving, and merciful. And I try to let that win. I am so careful with everything I say and do. Everything. I never want to cause him any harm. And then there's the part that is full of rage and wrath that shocks me. I find myself thinking things I never imagined I would ever think. I never show that side. I know the tongue is a weapon, and that's not really me. I don't want those things, but it's there. I wish I had someone to share these thoughts with..

But the worst is the grief...the betrayal. I sit with a constantly high degree of physical and emotional pain. I'm talking like over a 7 out of a ten. My chest hurts. I experience panic attacks. I have nightmares and crying spells. I binge eating and starve myself. I cope silently. I cry away from others and I try to lean on others for support, but no one wants to sit in the darkness with me. It's all platitudes.

But worst of all, he proved to me a deep seated fear...that only abusers love me. "Normal" people have basically always left me, been incompatible with me, disappeared, had it not work out, or dumped me. But oh no, abusers love me like hell. All I wanted was for someone to prove me wrong, and he didn't. He showed me point blank, with a powerful statement.

I tried to end the friendship but I couldn't go more than a week because I'm still trauma bonded or addicted or attached to him. It's extremely destructive to my self esteem and concept.

I kept trying to use my coping skills, but how do you cope when you're dealing with grief, betrayal, PTSD, OCD, BPD, depression, and suicidal thoughts? If you're me, you shut down. So I returned to my old pattern...I sought out the only people who seem to love me (abusers) and I'm going to starve myself. Maybe to death. I don't know. I'm dying inside.

For a while, I felt like I had hope. But now I feel I can't hang on long enough to see the dawn. I'm a broken person, who can't stop self harming and self destructive behaviors. My biggest supporter is gone. I am reeling in physical and emotional pain. I had a horrible bout of stomach pain twice last week, and I thought I had to go to the hospital. My tremors have gotten so bad. I can't cope. I have panic attacks and I disassociate. I'm terrified. I'm in therapy and with psychiatry but I just have no hope.

I want it to end, and I want to be in a peaceful place with no hurts and no betrayal and no suffering.

#MentalHealth
#Addiction
#Anxiety
#AnorexiaNervosa
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#Loneliness
#Grief
#EatingDisorders
#ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder
#PTSD
#Selfharm
#Suicide
#MightyTogether
#CheckInWithMe
#Relationships

Trigger warning for suicidal feelings...
I need to know that this emotional pain will go away, because I can't sit here every single day with an intensity level of 8/10+ each day. I can't do this. It's not right or fair. It makes me want to give up, it makes me want to attempt suicide attempt. I can't feel like this for months and months and months on end. I don't have the strength. I lean on God, I do DBT skills. But truthfully, I can't take it right now. Even if there is good on the other side, I am living in the here and now, which is full of unimaginable pain and horrific sorrow. I have nightmares frequently, many of them violent and terrifying. I'm struggling to eat. I can't take this anymore. How am I supposed to keep going like this? Grief has no definitive end date, and I don't have the strength to go on when my pain will continue indefinitely, in a way that's entirely outside of my control.

#MentalHealth
#Anxiety
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#Grief
#Loneliness
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder
#PTSD
#MightyTogether
#CheckInWithMe

Lately, I’ve been feeling a profound sense of disconnection from myself and the world around me. It’s like there’s a thick wall between me and everything I once found joy in. I often find myself wanting to sleep more than anything else, as if it’s the only escape from the weight of my thoughts and emotions.

When I try to talk to others about how I’m feeling, even my mom and my roommate, I often hear the same advice: “Just pray more,” or “Try to enjoy life.” When I mention the nightmares I’ve been having, they seem to think it’s a devil's influence or something similar. While I understand they mean well, it sometimes feels dismissive. It’s hard to find joy or connection when everything feels so heavy.

I just want to express these feelings and find a way through this fog.

I was diagnosed with trauma based ptsd, and dissociation. The nightmares have slowed down. But as the memories resurface I have a really hard time. People think I’m crazy and don’t understand or listen to my concerns. I feel like something is wrong. And I’m scared. But I have read that when there is a trigger, your senses r heightened. And your on high alert. I am just realizing that what I’m experiencing, isn’t always what I think. I would really love if anyone could share any, coping mechanisms they have used that have helped. I’m new to this, and, hiding from the world isn’t helping. So, thank you in advance

hey all, just want to say you are not alone. ive been trying to envision the other sleepless people when I am up all night again and it is some comfort. So many great artists and writers barely slept a wink. Tracy Emin, Van Gogh, Vladamir Nabokov. Sometimes i wonder if the worlds absolute obsession with the perfect nights sleep is responsible for making us, the insomniacs, feel even worse about our condition. So i may not be the talented artist those guys are but i try when i can to create, i try to help others, i try to care for the people and animals in my life to the best of my limited ability. my intentions are kind. and i am sure yours are too. in the worst insomnia bout of my life (chronic lifelong insomniac here). Last week I had four nights without even a minute. every other night the same fractured, hallucinating hellscape. decades now of hypnagogic hallucinations, waking nightmares. But i remember the great painting of the night demon sat on an insomniac womans chest - the nightmare by Henry Fusili (the painter clearly suffering sleep paralysis), and i feel a kinship there. I hope you all can too. www.artsy.net/article/artsy-editorial-famous-artists-dealt-insomnia

hey all, just want to say you are not alone. ive been trying to envision the other sleepless people when I am up all night again and it is some comfort. So many great artists and writers barely slept a wink. Tracy Emin, Van Gogh, Vladamir Nabokov. Sometimes i wonder if the worlds absolute obsession with the perfect nights sleep is responsible for making us, the insomniacs, feel even worse about our condition. So i may not be the talented artist those guys are but i try when i can to create, i try to help others, i try to care for the people and animals in my life to the best of my limited ability. my intentions are kind. and i am sure yours are too. in the worst insomnia bout of my life (chronic lifelong insomniac here). Last week I had four nights without even a minute. every other night the same fractured, hallucinating hellscape. decades now of hypnagogic hallucinations, waking nightmares. But i remember the great painting of the night demon sat on an insomniac womans chest - the nightmare by Henry Fusili (the painter clearly suffering sleep paralysis), and i feel a kinship there. I hope you all can too. www.artsy.net/article/artsy-editorial-famous-artists-dealt-insomnia

hey all, just want to say you are not alone. ive been trying to envision the other sleepless people when I am up all night again and it is some comfort. So many great artists and writers barely slept a wink. Tracy Emin, Van Gogh, Vladamir Nabokov. Sometimes i wonder if the worlds absolute obsession with the perfect nights sleep is responsible for making us, the insomniacs, feel even worse about our condition. So i may not be the talented artist those guys are but i try when i can to create, i try to help others, i try to care for the people and animals in my life to the best of my limited ability. my intentions are kind. and i am sure yours are too. in the worst insomnia bout of my life (chronic lifelong insomniac here). Last week I had four nights without even a minute. every other night the same fractured, hallucinating hellscape. decades now of hypnagogic hallucinations, waking nightmares. But i remember the great painting of the night demon sat on an insomniac womans chest - the nightmare by Henry Fusili (the painter clearly suffering sleep paralysis), and i feel a kinship there. I hope you all can too. www.artsy.net/article/artsy-editorial-famous-artists-dealt-insomnia

I’ve been doing some reading on the inner child theory and it applies to my case. I was sexually abused as a child and now that I actually remembered after years of not remembering, all these flashbacks keep coming back. I’m having nightmares and I’m afraid of my abuser who is still around. My stomach feels nauseated on the weekend when I see them most and I use marijuana to calm me down and self medicate feelings of fear and anxiety. My inner child is crying out. He’s afraid that he’s not safe and that no one is going to protect him from his abuser. Interestingly enough the only thing that calms me down is hugging my favorite plushie. I feel like I’m 10 years old again and I’m terrified of my abuser and no one is there to protect me again but as a 32 year old transman. I’m not sure what I wanted out of this post. If anyone has experience with this much obliged.

We all go through things from time to time, and the sun might come out to shed some light to let you know that you'll be OK. Other times said trial could go on for years, and it feels like there is no end, no light in sight. I'm there at the moment. What's the most bothersome is the fact that this person is not exhibiting any sign of growth, movement, or light. I can change my mindset, I can do as much as I possibly can to make things easier. Eventually, you get tired of making lemonade out of the lemons that were thrown at you. If allowed, my mom would apologize every day for the rest of her life behind everything that's happened. It's not her fault to begin with. I'm determined to do what I need to do to survive. I am contending with frequent anxiety and nightmares more than usual. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Nightmares

Hi there.
I'm really tired right now, but I'm terrified of what could be waiting for me if I close my eyes. I'm also alone at the moment, which makes waking up from nightmares even scarier... It's even harder to destinguish between past and present, nightmare and reality, in the first moments.

Wanted to share to maybe feel less alone.

#PTSD #Nightmares #Trauma