Nightmares

Three weeks ago today, I was involved in a traumatic, life-or-death car crash on the freeway. I was lost in thought, on my way to a doctor's appointment for an eating disorder that had, up until the crash, consumed my life. While I was ruminating in my mind, I didn't notice that I was too close to the car ahead of me. I was not speeding or anything. I breaked fast, and when I did, I lost control of the car. The car started to spin out of control. I panicked and started to cry out, then I lost consciousness. I fainted. And when I fainted, my car spun and spun and spun out of control, on the busy interstate highway at 3ish pm. As I was spinning, I was T-boned by a truck, and then hit the side rail of the freeway. I broke my hip, my sacrum, and a small bone in my pelvis. I have no recollection of the crash itself. When the EMTs and firefighters came to get me, I had no idea why I was in the road. I didn't remember anything. I looked at myself in the mirror and had blood on my face, a chipped tooth, and a headache from the whiplash. My leg hurt as if I had sat on it for hours.

EMS picked me up and took me to the hospital, where I had surgery. I was discharged a few days later, and then a deep darkness hurt me. All the mental health struggles I had struggled with before came alive to hurt me. The OCD, guilt and shame, grief, depression, and everything else. I cried day in and day out. I never got to somatically process the trauma I had faced while I was in the hospital, but when I was at home and felt safe, I could release it. I had nightmares and panic. But I've been leaning on God each day, and I know He's my only lifeline. God has worked miracles in my life, both in my body but also in my heart and soul. Each day I get better. efore the accident, I hated my body, ate a very little amount of calories, and wanted to die a lot. Now, I treat my body with kindness, respect, and honor. I've been through so much, both through this accident but all the trauma from abuse and violence. I'm a survivor. God has forgiven me, and is restoring me day by day. For the first time in so many years, I eat an appropriate amount of food. I eat a healthy diet that will strengthen my bones and my soul. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. I eat what I want, when I want and need to. I'm committed to practicing love for my body. When I have anxious or distressing thoughts, I give them to God.

In about eight weeks, I'll be able to put weight down on my leg, but for now I use a walker/wheelchair to help me get around.

I still exercise (for health) on my chair as best as I can, and I'm so grateful because I found a fun and engaging YouTube channel that helps me with chair exercises. He's even a fellow Christian, too! I found a good therapist online, and I started an online eating disorder treatment program, called Equip.

I feel like my bone will heal in no time, and my soul is healing day by day. I'll come out of this with a whole new love and appreciation for myself, plus a total healing of the mental illnesses that I've struggled with for most of my life. It's not always easy: I still get crying spells and anxiety, and nightmares, and I sometimes fight my body and feel deeply insecure. But each day I'm trying my best. That's all we can do, right?

#MentalHealth
#AnorexiaNervosa
#Anxiety
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#EatingDisorders
#Grief
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder
#PTSD
#Trauma
#MightyTogether
#CheckInWithMe

Saw my pain management provider this morning.
My last procedure didn't help me.
She's going to talk with the surgeon and see if there is anything else they try, but she didn't seem very confident, almost to the point of being sad as she talked.
She's also leaving her position at the pain management department at the hospital,.
and going to a different position .
Hope is gone.
Wishes are gone.
Happiness is gone.
I'm almost gone.
Nobody should have to live like this.
Thank you for the kind words you've said to me.
I can't fight anymore, I give in.
My nightmare is ending.

Don't let me give up

Another night of no sleep because the pain won't give up.
I spend so many nights not being able to fall asleep when the meds don't help.
I tried for 2 and a half years trying to get my doctor to listen to me.
This started in 2019 with a list of things I wrote down and tried to tell my doctor.
But he insisted on only letting me talk about "the worst thing", which was diarrhea and stomach pain.
I told him that those symptoms were only one percent worse than the rest of the things on my list, but that didn't matter to him. For dozens of appointments with him, four different GI doctors, and seven emergency room visits, nobody would let me talk about anything except the stomach problems.
Dozens of tests with no idea what was going on.
After I stopped seeing my primary care doctor because he wouldn't listen, I tried four other doctors with the same result, nobody would listen to my list.
Finally, in 2014, I found a new doctor who still cares about her patients, and she listened to me and my list.
They ordered an xray of my stomach, and accidentally found a compression fracture in one of my thoracic virtabra.
Then she ordered an MRI for my thoracic portion of my spine, and saw that there are actually 3 fractured virtabra in my spine.
All of those things on my list are all connected to the same thing, including the stomach problems.
Thanks to the doctors who refused to listen, nothing can be done to fix the nerve damage in my abdomen, and the compression fractures are so bad that it will take a major surgery to fix.
But being on Medicaid, they won't do anything about it until it's a life threatening issue.
So now, I get to live with all of the terrible pain for who knows how long.
Aren't doctors who won't listen to their patients awesome?
Doctors have destroyed my quality of life because they refused to listen to me, and a psychiatrist destroyed my mental health.
What does a person do now 🤔?
Why is He not letting me die so everything stops hurting?
I pray for the exact same thing every night, but I keep waking up anyway.
What did I do to piss God off in my past lives?
When there is no quality of life, you can't live and enjoy everything life has to offer you.
I can't do anything I used to enjoy so much, so what's the point 🤷?
I can't make it end because of my youngest son and what it would do to him 😪, but I can't keep going like this anymore.
I don't want to keep going like this, I want it to end.

But, I also want to be able to live again.

Can anyone please tell me why God won't answer my prayers to not wake up to go through another day of crawling on my knees just to get to the end of the day and go back to sleep?
The only relief I get from the horror of living like this is to sleep.
Every night I pray that I don't wake up anymore 🙏, but every morning I wake up again anyway.
Just crawl on my knees just to make it through the day, impatient for night to come and go to sleep.
My life for the past 6 years has been pure terror because of doctors who refused to listen, letting the true cause of my health problem to just keep getting worse, along with all the symptoms I begged them to listen to .
The nerve damage is now permanent, and will never stop hurting.
The psychiatrist who forced me to remember being raped by a foster father got away with it because the State Medical Board of Ethics and Professional Services completed ignored everything I explained to them, and never even talked to me like I requested many times.
Her lawyer used my brain damage against me and told the State Medical Board that I just got everything mixed up and really don't remember what happened that day.
That day has been stuck in my head every day for the past 6 years because I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and what she did.
My life ahead of me is simply fucked, and I wish it would end.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm tired of trying to hold on, knowing that things will never get better.
#PTSD
#Nightmares
#MentalHealth
#givingup
#Selfharm
#tired

Hi, my name is Myhereandnow. I'm here because for the past several months I have been remembering repressed trauma. I now remember being brutally sexually assaulted and raped several times as a 4 and 7 year old. These memories have thrown my reality for a loop. I feel like my feet have been kicked out from under me and I have struggled to cope and do daily responsibilities. I have very little capacity for my kids. I have constant panic attacks and horifying nightmares. The memories feel fragmented and foggy. I am having a hard time trusting they are real since it’s so far the childhood I thought I had. But the reaction my body is having to remembering them is so strong that it’s hard not to believe they are real. So many other fears and aversions and relationships throughout life make sense now. I have a really good therapist that I have been seeing and doing A.R.T. and EMDR therapy with. That is helping. I mostly want to talk to others that have gone through this. Was it this disorienting for you too? Do you have a hard time believing it is true? I feel crazy and dramatic and scared to tell my parents and sister about this. I remember protecting my little sister from this perpetrator, but knowing her and my parents, I think they will dismiss all of it and call me crazy. My husband is very supportive and I have told a few friends, but all of them say things like, “how sad,” “how horrible,”. Then the conversation moves on. Know one knows just how horrible it really is. It feels so lonely to hold something so heavy by myself. Does anyone have recommendations for good books or resources to learn more about what I am dealing with? I am reading “the body keeps the score” it is triggering but helpful. I would love to learn more.

#MightyTogether #PTSD #Repressed memories#Anxiety

Stop making me wake up
Stop making me wake up
Stop making me wake up
Stop making me wake up
Stop making me wake up
Stop it 🛑 ✋️
Please 🙏
#Nightmares
#Trauma
#PTSD
#Flashbacks
#Selfharm

​I can now at age 48 remember images and sounds that I saw and heard when I was 9 months old. But I have always been completely aware of 3 ongoing colorful nightmares I had over those 48 years. With self-reflection and therapy, all of those images, sounds, and the ongoing nightmares tied back to specific instances of abuse in my childhood.