Nightmares

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Yeaterday night was so hard for me. I had panic attack which was so bad that i was literally gonna hurt myself again something i didn’t do for a long time. Cause i don’t want to hurt myself. I know how much pain i have endured. But,that time my mind wasn’t working. I again had suicidal thoughts. I was continuously looking at my medicines. Also i had knife. I don’t know what i wanted to do. I wanted to give up all on a sudden. Actually my mother told me something that triggered my anxiety so badly that i was pulling my hair so harshly and all. I felt i can't breathe and everything was suffocating me. I had to call my aunt someone who is very supportive and she is with me from the very beginning. I couldn’t even hold the phone properly. My hands were shaking. I hit my hand on the wall hard which is still hurting.. Then i somehow abke to calm down. She helped me to calm down. I am glad that i called her otherwise i don’t know what i would have done. After talking to her, i tried to sleep. Whenever i try to sleep, i feel something is piercing my heart.. And the whole night i had terrible nightmares. I didn’t wake up from the bed cause i was feeling so bad. Also i knew i can't stay without talking to my mother cause she is the only one who is goona do everything for me.. And after that,she was also crying.. I have seen my mother crying with me everything i cried. She is the one who has seen my suffering so closely. So,whatever happens,i know she is there for me .. So she is the one. Yes,she is. I just talked to her crying and she was also crying. I knew she would do that. She said she would do anything for me and i know she really meant it. After talking to her, i feel much better. I can't stay angry at her cause if i door talk to her,then i can never be okay.. And i am glad having my mother and my aunt beside me.. They are my safe place. They are the one who are with me and goona be with me always. Also yesterday i did something. My sister,she always told me that if you weren’t like this,it would have been better. She never understood.. I never got to talk to her about my pain cause i was afraid of her judmental words. But, i wrote my feelings, how much i suffered and everything. Also told her if you ever find someone like me,then never tell them something like this. Yeah, i expressed my feelings. I did. It made me feel good. We all need a chance to share our feelings acuse only we know how much sufferings and pains we are going through. It’s up to then they will understand or not. But, we got our right to speak for ourselves against all these judgements.. Yeah, we do.. #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SuicidalThoughts

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Nightmares 🕳️

Hello,
I could use a little support.
One of the things I hate the most are nightmares, it makes me feel exhausted and desperate.
I just want to sleep normal!
I've tried many things to help me sleep better. [Breathing exercises, sleep yoga, Valerian, Kurkuma, Melatonine, listening to calming music, ], but it didn't worked.
Does maybe anyone here has some tips for me how to make nightmares disappear?

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Horrible day today #Grief #MentalHealth #Depression

So after another night of no sleep and nightmares, I woke up so emotional. Havent stopped crying all day. I've snapped at my partner over stupid things, like making a cup of tea. It's ridiculous.

After a long heart to heart and a lot of reassurance from my partner, I feel a little better but not much. My partner sat with me while I made the call to my doctor. I have an appointment in a week.

Ive had a shower, with help from my partner, as embarrassed as i felt, it does feel nice to be clean and wearing nice comfy pjs. Then my partner made me something to eat, a lovely bowl of pasta. He's a right sweetheart, dont know what id do without him.

Not sure how much longer I can keep fighting these nightmares or fighting to survive each day. But I've made the call for help, just got to keep hanging on.

Thank you for all the kind comments on my last post, I havent replied but I have read and appreciate every word. It helps knowing other people understand, so thank you.

17 reactions 5 comments
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Nightmares #MentalHealth #Depression #Grief

5 years ago, I watched my mum die of cancer. Me and my partner looked after her for months. I watched her go yellow, not be able to get out of bed and she couldn't do anything. I was there when she was so bad they took her to the hospice. I watched my mum disappear right in front of my eyes 🥺

I remember everything about that day. She didn't even know I was there, she just looked straight through me. She passed at 11.20am on 3rd June 2019. I remember having to phone my nan and grandad and tell them that their only daughter was dead, in hindsight my dad should have done that but he doesn't get on with them, and if I hadn't, he wouldn't have told them.

Anyway, since then I have slipped into the worst depression I've ever suffered. I dont want to get out of bed, can't remember the last time I showered or brushed my hair. I'm a mess, I dont know how my partner puts up with me.

I cant sleep and even if I do manage to sleep, I suffer nightmares. I'm constantly reliving that day, watching her go and everything. I end up waking up in tears. I dont know what else to do, im so tired, I just want to sleep. But I also want my mum back, I miss her so much. She really was my best friend, feel like my hearts been ripped out, like I've lost half of myself. I'm not me no more, I love my partner, he's the only reason I'm still here, but some days (like today) I don't think I want to be here anymore. I dont know how to get passed this. I'm falling apart and there's no way I can stop it or put myself back together.

Not really sure why I've written this post, dont want sympathy. Just needed to get it out I suppose

42 reactions 10 comments
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Tw I talk about sexual assault

I've got schizoaffective, BPD, disaccociative identity disorder, sexual aversion disorder, and PTSD. I have nightmares about my kids. I lost both of them because I trusted the wrong person. I dream that I am struggling to get my kids back and they scream that they don't know me. It's been 14 years since I last saw them. My daughter turns 18 this November. I've been thinking about reaching out to her but I want her to not feel pressured to talk to me so I don't think I will. But that's my PTSD. I was also sexually assaulted at gunpoint when I was 18. I'm terrified of loud sound especially fireworks. 5 years ago I was sexually assaulted by a guy who claimed that he was bisexual but he wasn't. He did some really fucked up shit to me. Now I can't even talk about sex without wanting to wretch my guts out. I'm asexual now. It's better this way.

Mental health is really complicated and messy sometimes. We just gotta get through each day.

#SchizoaffectiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #MentalHealth

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7 reactions 2 comments
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March 12th, 2024 Review

Currently just laying in bed while listening to music and feeling rather numb.
Nothing particularly happened to me today but my past got triggered again and I have been trying to make progress but it seems like nothing has really improved.
Still having flashbacks and nightmares; is it odd that I find the nightmare easier to deal with than the flashbacks?
I guess it depends on the person.
I’m pretty numb to nightmares but whenever I get reminded of my past trauma I feel like my heart stops and I get such an anxious feeling in my stomach accompanied by fear as I immediately distract and distance myself from the trigger.
Some are more intense than others I think but I still get just as scared in a flashback in the present as I did in the past.
It’s like I haven’t really improved much.
#MentalHealth #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma

5 reactions 1 comment
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March 8th, 2024 Review and Thoughts

Currently in physical pain but also mental pain.
I have had several people bring up the possibility of me having PTSD but I just ignore it because I don’t want to flat out suggest that myself to a therapist.
It’s even more difficult and complicated when my trauma revolves around mental health settings and topics.
I avoid them at all costs because I cannot have what happened to me possibly happen ever again even though I logically know that it isn’t likely to happen again.
The fear just has such a tight grip on me,
I can handle the nightmares but the flashbacks can be awful.
Feeling like I’m in that situation again and not in the present is a scary feeling to me.
I have such a tough time advocating for myself as well when my symptoms are very much there but I don’t have a diagnosis.
As well as my trauma made it impossible for me to be myself and have opinions or boundaries because it was unsafe to do so.
I also don’t want to talk about the trauma,
It’s like my body physically cannot handle it; shaky hands and breathing unsteady while trying not to cry about it and more happens all the time and I find it not something I want someone seeing.
I guess I don’t like being vulnerable.
Just typing my current thoughts.
#MentalHealth #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #MajorDepressiveDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

6 reactions 1 comment
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Nightmares

I had the second nightmare this month last night and it really rattled me. I woke up anxious this morning from it. #Anxiety #nightmare

7 reactions 4 comments
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It's not a million dreams keeping me awake. It's nightmares, night terrors, and fear.

I'm exhausted. All I want and need is sleep. With EMDR and Prazosin, coping skills - I'm mad. Mad turns to anger. To rage. I'm scared to fall asleep. I wake up screaming, gasping for breath, sweating, unsure of what's happening. Of what happened. Reliving it over and over. Having nightmares that make me want to stay awake. Make me want to not cozy up and fall asleep. I linger awake until I can't. I have nightlights everywhere. I feel frozen sometimes when I wake up in fear or terror. No sound comes out. Or screaming comes out. And these moments, sometimes I feel like I'm not getting air in. And there are nights I want to break stuff. Even now. I sit here calmly, eyes getting heavy, and with the no energy I have, still wanting to thrash. Shouldn't sleep be a respite?! Yet every single night, something happens. Eyes closed - images. Eyes open - images. #PTSD #Nightmares

14 reactions 4 comments
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Nightmares

I'm so frustrated. Twice in the last few days I've had nightmares related to my parents. In the first one, I came home early to hearing them fighting just as if I was a kid....and when my dad came out of the room I screamed at him "you have no idea how that affected us!" Meaning me and my younger sister.

Last night's dream was a lot more mellow, but still upsetting. It was about my parent's getting divorced.

Now, in neither case did it happen the way things happened in my dreams. But both dreams left me feeling shaky and in my head.

I hate it when I do this. It brings me right back to my teen years right in the middle of all of that stuff. I had nightmares that wouldn't quit back then. It scares me that these are happening now, more than 30 years after the fact. I don't have therapy for another week. Trying desperately to bring myself back to reality, but it's tough today.

I guess there is no real question, just reaching out to folks I figure would understand.

9 reactions 5 comments