Noclosure

My dad in law died this afternoon. 😭
He was 97.5 years old.
My husband and I separated 2 years ago after 30+ years.
We were still doing twice weekly card nite up until early March. when Covid hit.
I wasn't able t visit due to his health and my own.
I loved my daddio with all my heart.
Not to be with him when he passed breaks me.
No goodbyes, service or funeral for a man who was more like a father to me than my own.
I feel like I'm shattering.
#COVID19 #Anxiety #Noclosure

Today is my dad’s birthday.
He’d be 68 if he were still alive.
I don’t feel an ounce of sadness today.
Rather I am a ball of pensive energy.

He was a witness for the defense, sworn to testify against me at the trial against my abuser.
Estranged from me most of my life, once I left.
Never accepting of any responsibility to his part of my destroyed childhood.

Dead when I was 25, nothing resolved.
No closure. No justice.
Just resentment and anger. Rage like.

Last night I dreamt of words, not images.
I dreamt of illness and struggle.
Of chaos and confusion.
Last night P T S D screamed in my head.

He doesn’t deserve this hold over me.
Yet he has it because he is my father.
A man I loved with all my being, terrified me as a child.

The damage he has done is extreme.
The wounds near impossible to heal.
I often long for days when his birthday was just a date on a calendar.
No emotions, barely an acknowledgement.

Just sweet dissociation.

#PTSD #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Trauma #Poetry #poems #Acceptance #MentalHealth #Noclosure #Nojustice