acceptance

Well I am definitely in a flare. I am so sort of breath and it is very hard to eat. I still have to work and do all the normal stuff in life so I am just gonna take the best care of myself as I can and take my meds and get plenty of rest every day after work. It is just so hard. I can’t hardly stand it. I just want to be healthy again. I want to be able to go out and run like I used to. And to stay busy like I used to. It has been years since I could…and it is still very hard to accept. I am not sure if I ever can which keeps me very depressed. #Sarcoidosis #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicMigraineSyndrome #Depression #Anxiety

Sometimes, I think about all that I struggle with on the inside & all the outside forces only contributing to my struggles, but then I try to remind myself how lucky I am. How lucky I am to have had a family who got me the help I needed. So lucky to be born in a lifetime where things certainly aren't perfect, but better than anything there was before it. I'm lucky that my weaknesses & struggles come with innumerable strengths that I have learned to use to overcome any obstacles my struggles might create. I am so privileged in so many ways. But this is not to say that my pain, my struggles are not real or not worthy of crying over. It just means that on days when the world looks far to dark, I have hope that things can get better once more. #Autism #Acceptance #Disability

Just submitted another story for the Mighty. Hopefully it gets accepted!! #Autism #Neurodiversity #ADHD #OCD #IntrusiveThoughts #Acceptance

Yesterday I had a talk with my boyfriend and I allowed myself to say what I had never said before, what I had never acknowledged.
Something broke me. A very specific, very unfortunate series of events happened and I never quite recovered. I have been running around, burying myself in work, friends, therapy, travels, studies, problems and daydreams just so I wouldn’t have to face that terrible, unbearable truth : I have been broken.
It sounds defeated and depressed but it actually is the first time in thirteen years I feel a little bit at peace with myself. No more running, no more fighting, no more ocean of anxiety washing over me every day, nothing but the mere acknowledgement and acceptance of that fact. I have been broken, I have tried everything there was to try to get my old self back, to erase what happened to me, to turn back time, I have raged and fought and I have held on for as long as I could but ultimately it always caught up with me, and I am tired of playing a losing game.
I will never be who I was before again. That person - she was nice, she was interesting, she had a lot going on - that person is gone. It simply is. I have been trying to keep alive something that’s been long dead. I have been trying to imitate a memory and I have become a ghost.
It’s no wonder my stomach aches. It’s no wonder I cannot sleep. Its no wonder every human interaction is a blessing and a torture. It’s no wonder I am frightened of my family. It’s no wonder I have no sense of self, of direction, of purpose. It’s no wonder my physical sensations are turned off, my emotions are shut out and my mind is spiraling down crazy paths. It’s no wonder I still have eating disorder tendencies from time to time. It’s no wonder I go from to do lists to to do lists, not even remembering to have fun or enjoy anything.
It might sound like a pitiful, very sad first step but for the first time in thirteen years, I am able to sit and look at myself and say out loud : “Something broke me. Something utterly destroyed me and I haven’t even been picking up pieces because I was too busy drowning myself in occupation so I would never have to face it. I haven’t started to heal, I haven’t started to grow, I have just been running forward and forward, hoping to outrun the traumatism and get back to how it was before.”
It might not sound great, but it is that first realization that might make everything to come possible. #CPTSD #Depression #Acceptance