notavictim

When I’m hysterical and sobbing and trying with all of the ways I know how to tell someone how I am feeling and how empty and lonely and worthless I feel...and they respond “stop playing the victim”. I know in that moment this person does not know hurt like I do. This person has not stood at the gates to the loneliest, darkest pit and I thank God that they haven’t and pray that they won’t. But their response only makes me feel the need to explain more and prove and defend my position. It’s exhausting and I know I can never get them to agree to my side of things. And I usually back down on my because they get so tired of my persistence that they just ignore me for a while. This all leads to me feeling more empty, lonely and worthless. Wow.

So during my therapy session last night, my therapist brought up a good point that’s sticking with me.
I’ve been in a #ChronicPain flare up for the past month. But over the past month, I’ve stopped feeling like a victim and started standing up for myself. She said that maybe the reason I’m having pain is because I’m finally letting go of all the negative shit and the tension I’ve had for the past year is getting out of my body. I had to stop and think about this. I’ve been looking back on my past and it’s connection to my pain. It seems like every time I make a breakthrough I have a pain flare up.
My therapist also added that the pain could be temporary, so that gives me hope. #Depression #Pain #Trauma #notavictim #Standupforyourself

Just wanted to say hello world. I was a daddy's girl and for the last 5 days I struggled as his 5th death anniversary got closer and closer. I thought about how tired I am of dealing with the stigma that TV has put on people with #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder , and knowing as a child that I was different. I thought about just letting go so I could be with him again, but then it finally happened. My 3rd eye opened up and my dad showed up 2 nights in a row as I slept fitfully. (My dad also had mental health issues and whenever I had to be hospitalized or was having a major meltdown, he was the only person that I let get close enough to touch me). I don't remember everything but he said something to me that only he said but on that 2nd morning, really afternoon, when I woke up I looked at my phone and I had his number there and was texting him.
I made it through the grieving process with only one broken phone, which is what it's there for, and alot less self inflicted wounds than before.

Even in the afterlife, my daddy knew I needed him and he made himself known. I guess what I'm saying is that I know who really loves me because they are there besides me 💯. They are not looking at me like I have 2 heads or like I'm the antagonist from a horror movie. Thanks for letting me share. #CheckingIn #notavictim .

I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. ~ C. G. Jung