Numerous

I’m so glad there is this app where we can just get our thoughts out. I need this. I need something. Im once again caught in the cycle of using. I’ve been to numerous rehabs, but the last one I went to I stayed a long time and worked on my trauma and found out I had ptsd. I worked so hard at all of it, and when I got out I was doing really well. I felt secure within myself and I actually felt love towards myself. I went to a sober living for like another year after, and slowly things started falling apart. I managed to quickly put them back together, but never all the way,and that self esteem and everything else kept slowly like breaking. Now I’ve recently moved to my own apt and I love it so much. On the outside things are going so good. And I’m starting 2019 with going back to school and things looking good. But for the last like 6 months I started using kratom...on and off until it became on only and until I became totally hooked on it. And within the last 2 months, maybe a little less I’ve started using benzos. I put a week together off all of it like 2 wks ago and was so proud and day 7 my head told me some bullshit and I used again. I’m in this weird thing where it’s like I can put it down for at the MOST a week, and that’s it, and I know that won’t last long. My anxiety and depression are flying and I’m really not talking about any of this and it’s killing me. This isn’t who I want to be. And I don’t know why I can’t just put this stuff down, well esp something like kratom. I just needed to get it off my chest bc I’m scared and I’m not happy with myself, and I’ve been trying to make changes and then I picked up! I know it’s a process. But I’m so sick of myself. Thank you guys for listening.