Another post about my navigation and struggle. As always constructive input always welcome #Borderlinerelationships #outofmyhead
Ok so I'm unsure of so much the only sure thing I know is I love her and am proud of her.
So she quit amphetamines a month ago after a decade of abuse that's the reason for my pride but we haven't seen each other in this time either. We pretty much text every day but the texts are starting to seem hollow or generic as if pre-recorded lol. She says she isn't sleeping well and is always tired due to withdrawals which I do understand I am trying to be as supportive as possible but it's hard when we live an hour apart and I'm lucky to get a response within 90 mins from her.
I have undiagnosed mental issues of my own that I am seeing a therapist about. heaps of trust and emotional suppression for 15-20 years as a survival tool for my life style/choices
Every week when I get excited to spend time with her only to be disappointed when she doesn't want me around. I find myself hating me and starting to believe I had it right for all those years.
I've always prepared for the worst and dulled my emotions accordingly while hoping for the best or just did pre-emptive strike with close to zero emotional attachment depending on the situation
my mind is drifting to thoughts of her using me even if this was the case I constantly keep asking if I can help with money among other things. if this was true I wouldn't care because I offer and I do it so the woman I love and adore doesn't have to struggle so much however it would be the deceit that'd devour me.
Also thoughts of her cheating on me physically or emotionally plague the back of my mind even though she hasn't really given me a reason to have these thoughts other than not wanting me around and a series of unfortunate events earlier in the relationship.
Before she came back into my life I didn't think I was able to love a woman as much as I do her and I definitely wouldn't allow it just so I couldn't get hurt.
Because of this I'm starting to fall into old habits of preparation of my emotions, thoughts of sabotage and possibly straight up telling her i love her so much and to contact me If and or when she wants and has time for a relationship with me.
I constantly have to keep checking myself because I don't want any of these things to happen however I don't know how much more I can take before I snap and the old me just takes control and ruins it
And as always I forget what I was writing and apologise for how incoherent and all over the place my writing is