Panick

Every two to three months, I recall everything at once.All involved and all that have turned the other way. The past six to eight years seem to be an package deal.I am tired of going backwards,looking for facts, from those who are and were involved.Do I need to, yes.I will beable to move forward but not at the pace I should have.I was purposefully set up to fail.I will never forget that.I can forget again and I most likely will.They are never going to admit what they have done, ever.I cannot justify staying here knowing that I was set up to suffer, to question my reality, to phase me out.I do not have the support circle I felt proud to have.They chose to punish me instead of communication and grace.I cannot give others, what they do not give me.I will not go back.I can keep working towards a calmer reaction.I can have a decision without panick chasing it out the door.Panicking will not set things right.I need to stop to see my way forward and go.I could have and I regret not doing exactly what they told me to do.I will forgive myself but them, how do I, if they deny all of it.I would rather move away from the environment and be alone.There is no difference than my life here now.There is no we, no us or our.There hasn't been in six years, by his choice, not mine.I was the last to know but was the first to know he was pretending.Facts.

My husband,hates me.He has, for seven years but wouldn't admit it to me.He showed me with his actions and lack of connection.He feels because he paid the bills and is physically present,that was,should have been enough.it wasn't,ever.

I became extremely sick.He excludes the years prior to that.
I am on long term disability because of a cerebral AVM.
It effects my memories and my perception,of time,people and experiences.He has chosen to doubt, mock, and imply I have faked a disability since I am forcing myself to try to rebuild a life. He has not been a guidance or emotional support in six years.The last year in a half, he has spent his energy and gave someone free access,to set me up for full financial independence by force,hacking my accounts,pranking me, sabotaging me,testing me, isolating me and using phycological warfar,dark munipulation tactics, for revenge.Out of hate.They included my son and my pets,animals.That is another level of hurting others when you go after an animal.He was in contact with a Broker and now says he is planning on quitting his State job.That tells me, I am already taken off, for beneficiary. He never added me to the house, in any way.His heart, was never invested fully, ever.
My insurance will be next,taxes and he has been sabotaging my ability to make the car payments,by having my accounts stopped and draining my single account connected to it.His mother, now blatantly lies to me about her involvement. He is telling me to have nothing to do with his cousin,a 78 yr old, who I adore.He has given me no choice.He isolated me and no one came, no one.He told them its All in my head.He has, hundreds of friends,he goes out of his way for,in a drop of a second.For me, forced, acting, a burden, a chore to get a reward for,another responsibility.
He thought I would crawl away with my tail between my legs,in shame.I told him something was wrong, I told him and he didnt care or believe me, I fought to save, nothing.

He has now framed it as I am, was the abusive one, my medication makes me this way.He never went to a therapy session in my four years there.He has been led by a person who hates women, called his own daughter names.Now he, calls his stepson, our son names.
His mind had already been made up,two years now.I would forgot every couple weeks and he has been relying on my forgetting, ever since.I only have one more day.This has been going on for two out of four years, who does that to their partner?

Who becomes a daily fixture for 2 years and then explodes intoxicated?Someone who lied for too long.Tells you straight out that it was All Lies.A few later, screams and mocks you, that you are insignificant and even uses the They line.Can't say who they are though.This person puked all their emotional insecurities onto me within two phone calls.Ive never watched a more sadder display of narcissism....and I've seen alot of them.This one had the lines and used people to keep that going.Pays for friendship.Doesnt like to be out of control or not the center of attention.Cant see himself or have empathy ever.Tries but cant be honest.Its too hard.Swears by a character I only saw a few times.Liked to get a reaction for sport.Mocks people and tries to triangle relationships to talk trash.Sad.Didnt matter if peoples feelings are hurt.A constant effort to look a certain way,brags nonstop.I suppose it is overcompensation for the lies.Yep,thats it.Cant keep it up without props.no emotion involved.An actor and con man.A greasy car salesman.Who hurts and won't be happy.Understandable now, looking back.Sad they couldn't not be with that way with me.I keep letting liars in.I believe it all.People wonder why I'm selfenvolved.

Mental illness is very real and taken serious enough by some so claim Health professionals 😓