Pulmonary Embolism

They say time heals all wounds.
But some moments don’t heal —
they settle inside you, quietly shaping who you become.

I was still young — fresh into my medical journey.
Bright eyes, trembling hands, a heart full of hope.
And then came her.

A beautiful, glowing woman —
Pregnant, with obstructive jaundice, but always smiling.
She had the kind of presence that lit up the room —
soft laughter, big dreams,
and a baby girl waiting to be born.

She talked about names, painted nurseries,
and worried about stretch marks and baby clothes —
not about dying.

But death doesn’t wait for permission.
It sneaks in —
even into labor rooms filled with new life.

It happened suddenly.
During delivery.
A blink.
A pause.
Then chaos.She collapsed.
We rushed — I remember barking out orders with a voice that didn’t even sound like mine.
My hands were trembling, my mind racing.
Pulmonary embolism.
We knew it was critical — and we fought.
God, we fought.

But medicine doesn’t always win.
And neither did we.

She died.
Her baby girl — stillborn.

Two lives…
Gone.
Just like that.

And outside that room —
was her son.
Six years old.
Wide-eyed.
Confused.
Then screaming.
Not because someone told him,
but because somehow —
he knew.

And her husband…
I will never forget the sound he made.
A sound that didn’t come from the throat,
but from the soul —
like something inside him had shattered and could never be put back.

That was my first death.
The first time I saw a life —
two lives —
slip away.

And it broke me.
But I didn’t have time to grieve.
There were more patients.
More tasks.
More faces waiting for the doctor with the steady hands and calm voice.

But inside…
I wasn’t steady.
I wasn’t calm.

For weeks, I carried her with me.
I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t eat.
I would wash my hands over and over,
trying to scrub off something invisible.
Not blood —
but guilt.

Was there something more we could have done?
Did I miss a sign?
Did I say enough? Do enough?
It was a spiral —
and no one noticed.
Because we wear white coats.
And white coats hide everything.

That experience pushed me into a dark place.
A place where I questioned my calling,
my worth,
even my right to carry the title “Doctor.”

But here’s the thing no one tells you:
Grief doesn’t make you weak.
It makes you real.
It makes you human.

And if you don’t let yourself feel it —
you go numb.
And when a doctor goes numb,
patients become numbers.
And the healing dies with the compassion.

So to every healthcare worker who’s ever watched a life slip away:
It’s okay to break down.
It’s okay to cry.
It’s okay to need help.

We were taught to be strong.
But we were never taught to be kind to ourselves.
And that’s where we fail.

Mental health is not a luxury.
It is survival.

To the young doctor out there —
tired, scared, barely holding on —
please don’t bury your pain in silence.
Talk to someone.
Write it down.
Pray.
Breathe.
Let yourself feel —
so you don’t forget how to care.

And to the families who’ve lost someone in our hands —
I want you to know:
We remember.
We carry them with us.
Their names. Their faces.
Their last moments — etched into our souls.

She was my first loss.
She wasn’t just a patient.
She was a mother.
A wife.
A dreamer.
And now, part of her lives in me.

Because every time I deliver bad news,
every time I stand by a bed that goes quiet —
I remember her.

And I keep showing up —
not because it gets easier,
but because it matters.

What it feels like to see a life slip away?
It feels like your heart breaking…
and still choosing to return to the battlefield the next day.

That…
is the silent strength of being a healerLet there be light in healers’ lives so that they can heal us all.
#PTSD
#MentalHealth
#healthehealer
#empathyispower

We sent all my medical records to UCSD and it was a huge surprise they told us I could also get a quote for a PTE. I really didn't want to get one even when it was possible, because I knew it is a very risky procedure, your chest gets opened like a hot dog, you basically get killed for several minutes in a hypothermic circulatory arrest.

So we ignored the quote and just postponed the decision until one day Olga Cesena from the international department of UCSD called us directly and explained everything to us. She said that in Mexico it wasn't possible to do the PTE, but in San Diego it was, that they are more capable than anyone in the world and the mortality rates were about 1% , impressive considering anywhere else in the world the lowest mortality rates are about 15%. She also said that a BPA was possible but for my specific case it wouldn´t really make big improvments, the PTE was the way to go.

To get the PTE wasn't an easy decision, I was really afraid of dying, but we asked doctors here in Mexico their opinion and said it is the best decision I could take. My family was right all the time. When you're making life changing decisions such as choosing procedures and hospitals it's important to have other people help you find alternatives and show you the best options. We were told by Dr Madani and Dr Kim said it was very good i haven had any BPA before it would have been more difficult to perform the PTE, also that BPAs are not for young patients. So far my parents made perfect choices.

During my PTE I was in hypothermic circulatory arrest for 77 minutes in total, several more than other patients. Now I laugh about people that pretentiously say they have been clinically dead for 3 minutes. Dr Madani expected it to be of an average complexity but to his surprise he faced a challenge with my case.

Following the surgery, he remarked that he rated the difficulty level as a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the easiest and 10 being the most difficult PTE he had ever performed. Typically, patients are able to resume eating and walking the day after surgery, but in my case, it took me 5 days before I could walk again.

Now it has been two months since the surgery and I feel amazing. I feel so much energy all day , I even started to run. Yesterday I ran and walked a 5k in 50 min. I often say to my mother Dr Madani gave me superpowers. Certainly it feels like superpowers, so much I just signed up for the San Diego Marathon 2024. I know I have a long way before running 42 kilometers but it has been my goal since the intensive care unit.

I want to give my medal to the UCSD team and show them how they gave me back my burning desire to live. Not enough can't be said about how good Dr Kim, Dr Madani and their team are. I always tell people I got presidential quality open heart surgery, and sure it was, my scar is barely visible now and it never hurt bad at all.

So now my CTEPH journey is over and I feel responsible for making awareness of this disease so no one else has to live like me for 7 years ignoring there is a cure. I also feel part of the community of people with Pulmonary Hypertension due to other causes I know, just like the PTE there are potential cures being developed. I know maybe 20 years ago a surgery like this wouldn't have been possible but we have people like Dr Madani and Dr Kim who push the boundaries and make modern medicine miracles.

#cteph #pte #ucsd #PulmonaryEmbolism #pulmonaryhypertension #PAH #APS

💉 if you can get vaccinated, get vaccinated. Not all of us can make the antibodies due to the treatments we’re on so we’re counting on you to keep us safe. Yes the vaccination doesn’t guarantee you won’t get Covid but it lowers the bio load of the virus in your body. So when you sneeze instead of unleashing the army you only release some soldiers from reserves; Instead of the entire national defence haha. (Bit of my history I’ve had two PE’s (Pulmonary Embolism - blood clots in lungs 2014), have a lymphatic disease and potentially an undiagnosed autoimmune disease. I’ve had minimal to zero side effects from the two vaccinations I’ve received previously (Pfizer). I took Tylenol following my injections in 4hr increments for the first couple days and believe this help prevent/alleviate any side effects). Choice is yours, always loved.

Let’s get through this, let’s protect each other 💪

“I’m jabbing, just jabbing, I just wanna jab it in you.” 💉 🎵

#Immunocompromised #thankyouforwearingamask
#washyourhands
#safetyfirst
#rituxan