I received some more bad medical news today. I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared for it and I need time to process the information. I'm terrified, devastated and it put me into an immediate depression.
My chronic Lyme Disease seems to have never gone into remission, like I thought. I'm still infected with Chronic Lyme and Bartonella, assuming Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever too, but that one wasn't tested. I have a lot of unresolved trauma from treating my Lyme disease, and suffering for years.
It took two years to get that diagnosis when I was in my early 20s, having insane symptoms and that's when the suffering really started. I was 21. I started treatment at the age of 23. It was hell, the treatment was intense, painful and made me much sicker. I didn't have the long list of diseases and complications that I do now. I was also much younger and had more energy and spirit then.
Going through that again, with the body and physical ailments I have now, it's seriously frightening. I'm devastated that I didn't find out sooner. I knew that Lyme Disease caused a massive amount of damage in my body, I didn't know that it was still doing that to this day. It's a ton to process for me. I was 24 when my treatment ended. I'm 38 now. I'm feeling hopeless and I have already been tired of fighting. This body doesn't seem to want to live. It's very hard now, the idea of making it harder isn't fathomable to me right now.
I stopped reacting to new diagnoses a long time ago. The last time that I was truly afraid and shocked was when I had a Pulmonary Embolism in 2018. I survived. They are normally deadly. I remember getting the call 6 months later that I had a rare autoimmune blood clotting disorder and a genetic clotting disorder. Blood thinners for life. I didn't react. I literally laughed on the phone. Not because it was funny or not serious, because I couldn't take it anymore but I also wasn't even surprised that something else was wrong. Another one to add to the list.
I had internal struggles when I thought I had lung cancer in 2021. But I knew that I would fight it and I had a plan to be strong like I always am. 5 months later, I found out that it was Sarcoidosis. Also rare and can be deadly. It's a terrible disease. Add it to the list. Later in 2021, Autoimmune Polyneuropathy all over my body - small and large fiber nerve damage everywhere. I was just happy to get it over with and have it in writing finally, rather than my doctors and I just assuming that's what it was. I seem to get a new diagnosis every 12 to 24 months. I've grown used to it.
Today was different. I'm at my max. I just had my nerves burned from my spine a week ago. I'm still in recovery from that. My doctor gave me steroids while I was under without my knowledge or consent, knowing I'm allergic. I don't know why this is my life and why I was chosen to live in my own personal hell since childhood. I started crying while the doctor was talking about treatment options. The idea of going through that again is what set me off. I told her that I barely want to keep fighting now. I don't want to make my life harder.
Yes, I get depressed very often in the last year. I'm overburdened and overwhelmed. I'm angry and I'm sad. I am scared. I live one day at a time. Making distant plans is hard for me. When I get my handouts emailed to me for my intensive trauma class 24 hours prior, I don't even look at them. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I'm here today. Everything that is planned must be in my calendar or it's not real to me.
I hold onto those bit of love that I have in my life. That's what keeps me going. My animals and the important people in my life that share love and compassion with me.