I spent my 34th birthday in the emergency room. That was last week. I'm still barely managing food and moving around. The depression is hitting hard, my mind is so tired of the fight to keep moving forward.
And yet, I will keep going.
Through nights full of ugly sobbing and pain so intense I can't sleep, through new symptoms that continually take bit by bit what little I still have left. I will stay, as long as I am able, until there is nothing left.
I don't know why this is my life. But it is mine, no matter how much worse it gets. And, I suppose faith is believing that there is a point, a purpose, a pivotal perception that will provide peace and understanding.
Someday.
Someday I believe I'll understand. Until then, I'll cry and be sarcastic, make my family and friends cringe and laugh at my morbid humor, and try to let go of the idea that I'm entitled to more than I currently have, and accept what is mine in this moment.
Year 34 is starting out in a discouraging and heartbreaking place.
But hope tells me if I hold on, it will change and I will be stronger.
Please let me be right.

#ChronicPain
#DiabetesType1
#GastroesophagealRefluxDisease
#Fibromyalgia
#PolycysticOvarySyndrome
#PPPD Dizziness
#pvc or premature ventricular contractions
#IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS
#Migraine
#Depression
#Anxiety
#Agoraphobia
#Grief