Queeranddisabled

About a month ago I started an intensive BPD DBT program at New York Presbyterian. (All virtual now of course) this program is supposed to last a year but at this point I cannot see lasting another month. It takes so much time out of my life. I miss getting to my studio as much as I want (especially since I left my home for 6 months because of Covid) I feel as depressed and suicidal as ever (maybe even more so) I intellectually know how important it is to stick with the program but I’m finding it almost impossible to go to groups for 3 or 4 hours everyday on zoom. I honestly want to die and or quit especially with everything else going on. I don’t know what to do.

This year has been the best year of my life. I got a year long fellowship that I applied for 7 times and was a finalist twice. I’ve made the best work of my life. I’ve made great friends. I had a solo show that was reviewed by multiple publications. I’ve made great connections with galleries and curators. But my gallery closed, my fellowship is ending in August, my career wasn’t launched the way I was hoping.I got this fellowship when I needed it the most. Last year I was suicidal, hopeless, lonely, and felt like an abject failure. I can see the darkness coming and I need help staving it off.